andy just called me. asked if i was read to go out yet. i told him i was sick, which i am, but i'm okay for themost part. i feel like a bitch. but if he didn't realize it, i was only in this for the sex. a one night stand, or whatever people call it these days. i was planning on ignoring him afterwards anyway. but i've decided i really like ryan. i mean, i want to have a relationship with ryan, not just sex and a movie. i want hugs, kisses, memories. you know, the cute mushy stuff. and i'm very sure ryan likes me too. because he's so flirtacious, he hugs me a lot, we dance, we wrestle(in a fun way)... i accidentallt kicked him in the privates while kicking his ass today, and i gave him a hug afterwards, as i was walking him to his car... and he was so fine with that, he hugged and held me back, which was really nice. and he's all "this is really nice, thanks" and i'm thinking "omgcanimarryyou" he stayed an extra 20 minutes after work just to talk with me. i mean, he could've gone home and do whatever he does... but he came into the back just to talk. im excited for monday night. we both work together for like, 5 hours, by ourselves. which is nice for a change, because i usually work by myself. but anyway, back to what i was talking about. it would be nice to be in a relationship again. i haven't been in one for a couple months now... and that was with zach, and i'm not sure if the feelings were even mutual. zach and i got way too involved wayy too soon. this is nice writing about this, i haven't before. and it's been a good 7 months. i originally liked zach at first, and we were both high when we first started dating.. he just led me on for a couple months or so, so not to hurt my feelings. i wish he hadn't done that. oh well, it's done, it's over. anyway, he wasn't very good, if i say so myself.

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so. ryan or andy. i really like ryan, a lot. i spend most of my time with him, and he knows a lot about me and vice-versa. plus, joe wants us to go out, and ryan's way attractive, there are girls who come in the store just to talk to him- which is kind of freaky. and he's way protective of me. andy on the other hand knows barely anything about me. but he calls me like everyday, 2-3 times, even when i'm at work. i'm attracted to andy, but i'm not sure how much. andy and i are going out on friday night. but i know what to expect with andy... a half of a movie, and sex. ryan and i would probably move a little slower than that, though.i don't know if i trust andy enough... knowing how little i know about him, he could have some crazy STD which all his friends know about, so he's dating someone younger and more naive so he can get it on. or whatever. the bad thing about both of them, is their both older than me, and i'm not exactly what you could call legal. andy doesn't care about that. ryan's always so worried about it, he doesn't want me to get into trouble, which is why he got annoyed with andy, when andy asked me out the other day. tonight ryan and i were flirting, and he's all, "wait. are your parents here?" "no" "okay then" sigh. i don't know. i really like ryan, actually. forget andy. i think i'm just going to cancel that date. say i'm busy or something. ryan wanted to catch a movie with me anyway, we were thinking of going to midnight movie... friday night at 12. so i'd get home around 3. and i get off work that night at 9... so hmmm.. i dont know. i'll just have to see.

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since i obviously can't write this in my publc journal, i'll write it here. i hate how my mom reads my other journal... but anyway. i have to write an article on a review for something. so i'm thinking of writing a review for shark tale. that movie with the animated fish and stuff. andy said he'd take me, so that's a good thing, i'll have a ride there, and a ride home. plus some sex, provided i'm up for it, and he's protected. i don't want to end up pregnant, and have to explain that to my mom. ahhhhh! that would make my ife miserable. yuck. a date with andy... i'm not sure how i want to look at this. good or bad?? hmmm....

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i got my report card today in the mail. my mom got hella mad because i have a D in algebra 2. i hate the fact she can't accept i do not understand math. any math. whatsoever. which is why i have a C in chem instead of an A. because you need to know math to do chemistry. she's all saying i'm going to have to quit my job if my grades don't come up. great. i have to fucking lose my only way of income, because i don't understand one stupid fucking subject. fuck. i'm doing pretty well in my other classes, though. which is good. like, 20 million people came in to my work tonight, all buying beer, cigs, liquor. did you know i've been sober since school started? not a whif of mj, or a sip of alcohol. it's a good thing, health wise. but the fact i have no social life really pisses me off. all my friends are always like, "dude, remember the other night at the beach...." and i'm like, "no, shut the fuck up, i fucking hate you." i don't know. i'm just really mad right now. i've been in a shitty mood all day, since ryan left. because i was stuck with fucking joseph and rodrigo. and they piss me off beyond all belief. then my mom didn't make the ride home very easy, because all she was able to talk about was my fucking lame-ass report card. andy called me today. again. he's fucking telling me his whole fucking schedule, just to see when we both have free time together. i think he should realize i'm still in high school and i have obligations i need to attend to. but whatever, he's just a man in his late 20s working at a grocery store for 14 bucks an hour. actually, i could totally use a screw right now. but noooo, i have to finish my am lit paper. so that's out of the question. maybe next weekend. i got a letter from the union, they want me to shell out almost 15% of my paycheck. which really blows. actually, to join the union i had to give them a whole freakin-a check. joining the union is mandatory with this damn job. i need to get out and have fun.

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okay, let's see... since i wasn't up for writing about it yesterday, i'll write about it today. at work, this guy i met asked me out. his name is andy. he's way cool. he's 29 years old. oh my god. what is this with me and pedophiles?? i mean, i'm 16, he's 29. that's like, a 13 year difference. which is kind of gross if you think about it. i thought ryan liking me was kind of weird, and he was 24. oh actually, rodrigo and gabriel hit on me too. they're both way older, and they're both hispanic. this is terrible sounding, and being the ncbi president, this is like a sin, but i really am not too crazy about mexican people. but maybe it's just the ones i've met thus far in my life. i don't like how they act around here, they're all cheap around here... but i don't like anybody whose cheap, so i guess it's unfair to judge. also being brought up in a racist family doesn't help the matter, as long as i'm trying to get better is what amtters most, right? if andy and ryan were both my age, i'm pretty sure i'd be hella attractied to them, because they aren't bad looking, they're just way too old. which hella blows. but whatever, maybe in a couple years.

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i said i needed a newer private journal, so here it is. i don't really care if nutangers read/comment on it. i just don't want my other blog to get into the hand of the wrong people, ie- my friends, family, and whoever else i may know and tend to talk about. this will be filled mostly with prom/winterball/asb/ncbi complaints, people gossip, secrets, things that drive me nuts, probably some other stuff. i dont know. mostly to keeps my complaints hidden somewhere, and so i can tell someone/thing all of my secrets so i don't go mad under normal circumstances.

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