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Memores acti prudentes futuri

It's easier to complain
but there is beauty in the mundane
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Some things that have happened
Monday, December 18, 2017
I had a dream about him last night and woke up feeling sad. The feeling persisted throughout the day.

My weekend was... sort of eventful? On Saturday I went birding with a group for the second time. It wasn't quite as fruitful an expedition as the first time, and it was very cold and windy, but I got a few decent pictures. This one of a black phoebe is my favorite:

I chatted a bit with one of the ladies in the group, and she gave me some tips on how to find more birding opportunities/outings. Something to look into!

On Sunday I went to ECS for the annual winter festival. It was an open mic/potluck deal, kinda low key. I shared a short story from one of my books, and I think it was well-received. At the end of the open mic part, one of the founders of the group put a bunch of instruments (drums, tambourines, maracas, etc.) in the middle of the room, and we all selected one and participated in a drum circle. I guess it's kind of a pagan thing, and it made me think of The Righteous Mind. The music was very organic, and everyone was making it together in this interesting, coordinated but unplanned way. I felt a bit awkward about it at first, but I actually really liked it and I feel like I would enjoy doing something like that again. The appeal of having a drum circle and dancing around a bonfire or something is making more sense to me now, although the drum circle we did was indoors, during the daytime, and I don't think it lasted long enough for anybody to be seized by the desire to dance. The guy who set it up said that drum circles often go all night. I guess I don't quite know how to describe how it felt, but we were all synced up, and that sense of being part of something was very cool.

I think I like ECS so much because I'm tired of feeling like I'm alone. I mean, I have my family, which is very important to me, but I haven't really had a community to be part of, not in person at least. I've had online things, including Nutang, but actually being with people in real life, doing things with them, hearing their voices and seeing their faces... it's a different experience. It's nice to go to something where it doesn't feel like people are just treating it as a stepping stone to something else, where I feel welcomed and safe. The IRC channel where I hang out is kind of like a virtual form of that, but it's not consistently active, and it's online. It made me really sad a couple months ago when RD disrupted that. I felt like he had set fire to something that was a safe space for me. Don't think he understood what it was to me. I'm relieved that I feel okay going back there now, though.

Went hiking today with that guy I met on the plane. It was nice, and pretty platonic I think (whew). I'm pretty sure I saw a phainopepla on the trail, although I couldn't ID it until I got home. No picture of it, but it basically looked like a black cardinal. Also maybe saw a mockingbird? The call it was making sounded familiar but I didn't get a good look at it because it was really high up in a tree.

Yesterday I went running with my mom. I did 2.5 miles and walked... uhh... maybe like 0.37ish of that? Not really sure. I forgot to stretch afterwards though, and didn't eat much yesterday, which I think is why my legs hurt today. >_> Also, I think the running activated my allergies, because I was sneezing a bunch yesterday night. Stupid exercise-induced rhinitis. >:C On the plus side, I felt fine about the distance/my pacing, and I think if I hadn't been dead bored by running around a track, I would have gone for longer. Kind of a relief, since I was worried I'd lose a bunch of stamina from not going to the gym regularly for like two months because of that awful cold.

"No one's around to help." by JerryTerry.

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Cookies, eyeliner, ambiguous hangout [2P]
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Mental health and friendship
Sunday, December 10, 2017
I guess I haven't really felt much like blogging lately. Most of my blogging gets done late at night when everybody's gone to sleep and I'm alone with my thoughts, but lately I've been kind of occupied late at night chatting with a new friendish person. He works nights, so he's around when nobody else is.

I like talking to him, but he seems pretty emotionally stable and that's kind of weird for me. It's not bad by any means, I'm just... not used to it. I don't think I've ever had lengthy conversations with anybody who didn't have some kind of emotional problems. Having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept that this dude is just... normal.

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Real people??
Monday, December 4, 2017
Whoa. On my flight back home, I sat next to a guy and we actually had a conversation instead of just completely ignoring each other. He asked if I'd like to get coffee sometime and I gave him my number.

I'm honestly shocked. I've thought about this scenario happening tons of times but didn't think it ever would, what with people being glued to their smartphones. Anyway, I don't expect it to go anywhere, but it would be nice to make a new friend.

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Visiting Kyle
Sunday, December 3, 2017
I'm at Kyle's house right now, visiting for the weekend + Monday. Yesterday we did a whole bunch of stuff. My flight got in pretty early, so we went to get breakfast at this strange cafe that was located in a business center. The front of it was a vape shop, and it seemed like it had just been set up temporarily, but also kind of looked like a Chinese restaurant. The dishes they gave us our food on had a "grandma's china" feel to them, and were strangely ornate compared to everything else. Both of us got omelettes, and the omelettes were weird too. Not bad per se, but they looked like they had been prepared in a circular mold, and instead of being folded over like a normal omelette, they just... had all the ingredients kind of suspended in the middle of the egg patty. Mine looked like it was injected with cheese.

After that, Kyle took me to this awesome bird store nearby. It had parrots just sitting out in the store! Realizing now that I was so wrapped up in looking at the birds that I didn't take any pictures... The birds were friendly though, and you could pick them up. I held a Hahn's macaw and it climbed up my arm and bit my ear. >.> It also bit Kyle's ear, so... I guess it got both of us, haha. Despite the pain, it was a cute experience.

Met up with a friend from IRC in LA once we were done at the bird store. We visited the Museum of Death, which was... kind of weird. Very graphic and gory. It wasn't quite what I was hoping for, but it was still interesting. They had conjoined twin turtles! Honestly that was kind of cooler than seeing all the horrifying pictures of dead people. We also walked around Hollywood a little. Nothing too exciting there, but it was somewhat enjoyable.

On the way back from LA, he and I stopped at Chick-fil-a because I had never been there. As it turns out, they have almost nothing to eat for people who don't eat chicken, but we both got an order of waffle fries because we were hungry. That took the edge off the hunger until we got to the Indian place near his work that we'd been planning to try during my visit. For... whatever reason, in between chill electronic songs, the restaurant played the Ghostbusters theme song.

Kyle bought a smoker recently, and wanted to try smoking fish, so we bought some salmon and mackerel after dinner.

Surprisingly, I didn't pass out at any point. I barely got any sleep the night before, but I stayed awake all through the day (got kind of sleepy sometimes but not badly). Was even awake enough to watch The Matrix at his house together and go for a walk. It was Kyle's first time seeing The Matrix somehow, and it had been a long time since I saw it, so that was fun.

Today was more laid back than yesterday. We got some wood chips for the smoker and some cheese from Whole Foods to try smoking, then got pizza for lunch. Man, that pizza was really good. @[email protected] Hard to go wrong with spinach, garlic, and feta. After eating, we seasoned the smoker and played a game, then watched some movies. The first movie was really awful and cringey and had three separate scenes within 30 minutes where women surprised a guy by stripping to naked when he wasn't looking. After the third time it happened I'd had enough and we switched to a different movie. Ended up picking Grave of the Fireflies, which neither of us enjoyed. It just dragged on and on and one of the main characters was annoying... I'm starting to think I just don't like Studio Ghibli films. Kiki's Delivery Service was similarly boring and unenjoyable to me.

I guess we stayed in more today because we were smoking fish and had to stick around for it. The salmon turned out pretty good though! The mackerel... eh, not so much. It was too salty, I think. Shouldn't have put it in the same brine as the salmon for so long. It's okay though, it was a learning experience.

We walked again for longer tonight, and went to a playground nearby. All the equipment was slightly damp, which surprised me. Kyle said it's probably because we're closer to the ocean than where I live, which I guess makes sense. We wandered over to a shopping center after the playground, but barely anything was open, so we got Choco Tacos from a weirdly upscale gas station store because I'd never had one before. It was pretty good, but I think mine might have been defrosted and refrozen at some point, because the shell wasn't crunchy at all. It reminded me of Drumsticks I'd had that had that problem. While we were headed back to his house, we passed a big fenced off lot that had a former car dealership on it. Kyle mentioned that he'd thought about climbing the fence to go see if the building was open before, but had never done it because he didn't want to get in trouble for trespassing. I suggested we go in anyway (there was a huge gap under the fence we could have crawled through), but he was very reluctant. We ended up walking around the fence and finding that it was open in a certain spot, so we just walked right in and looked in the buildings, a couple of which turned out to have open doors. Given the trash and stuff we found, it seems safe to guess that someone had been in there not too long ago. There was mostly just debris and abandoned furniture inside, and we didn't have flashlights so we couldn't see everything anyway, but it was cool. He took a picture of me in the second building we went into, which smelled gross. It had that San Francisco/homeless person/old urine odor. Didn't stay in there long, though if I'd had a flashlight and it didn't smell disgusting, maybe I would have wanted to?

Once we'd returned to the house, we melted some of the cheese we bought on pretzels and ate them. I don't think either of us was particularly hungry, but he'd realized that he wasn't sure if he could smoke cheese in his smoker, and we wanted to try the cheese if we weren't saving it for smoking. The pretzels were good with the cheese (New Zealand white cheddar and three chili Gouda), but I'm not sure if I thought they were significantly better than microwave nachos.

I've been asking Kyle a lot of hypothetical questions while I've been here. Mostly "If they were otherwise perfect, would you date someone who ___?" format. That's been fun, haha. I used to love asking people hypothetical questions, but I toned it down a lot after high school... I think my favorite one this trip was "If they were otherwise perfect, would you date someone who had a badly done full back tattoo of your face and they only wanted you to do it with them from behind with the lights on?" He said he wasn't sure, but maybe. Somehow though, when I asked "If they were otherwise perfect, would you date someone who played Candy Crush for three hours a day?" he said no instantly, hahaha. Apparently he wouldn't be able to respect someone like that, which I can't blame him for. I don't want to date people I can't respect either. Anyway, I've had a good time visiting him, and I feel... pretty good in general.

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Friday, December 1, 2017
Talked to someone new for almost 8 straight hours, whew. It's fun though, I like it when conversation flows like that.

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Isolated memory
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
It's sad to have a really good memory that you can't share with anybody who would understand it. Sometimes I wish I could go back and relive certain moments. Reminiscing with others is like a small step in that direction, but when even that option is unavailable, I just end up feeling mildly wistful.

I can't remember the last time I couldn't stop laughing the way I was in the memory I'm thinking about. There were a few times like that, actually, a few years ago... but nothing's been like that since.


This doesn't really feel like a cohesive song as much as a poem that some music was added to...

"Dark Cold Magic" by The Blow.

I hang around and I'm down for whatever you're into
And the things that you said still rattle inside me
Like a broken off piece
I don't think you meant to break me

But what happens to the love that you take from me
Does it hang around your head like a cloud?
Does it dissipate with the hot winds that blow out of your mouth?

It's not that I would argue that you're a bad person
It seems your heart's too big for your chest
So you trim off all the edges
And attempt to love with whatever's left

It's a dark cold magic that could make you love me
I don't want to be the me I know you would want
It's a dark cold magic that could make you want me
I don't want to be the me I know you would love

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Blogging for the sake of blogging
Monday, November 27, 2017
Interview tomorrow. I don't feel particularly worried. People tend to like me if they get to know me. When problems do arise it's usually because I get invested/attached, but that won't be a risk with an interview. No issues when things are kept at arm's length.


Was reading about how friends we feel ambivalently about cause more stress than people we actively dislike. That seems pretty true to my experience. People whose friendship I question stress me out much more than people I just don't like altogether. Maybe that's why it's so much easier to just transfer people to the dislike pile when things go downhill. Ambiguity is a heart breaker.


Still not totally healthy, but went to the gym and did a little on the treadmill. Felt bad, but I didn't die.

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