Sometimes I reflect on how my counselor at St. John's talked to me. He wasn't just a head-nodder like that therapist I had when I got home. I always felt really... I don't know... patronized by her, because she would analyze my dreams

("maybe you feel like a walrus inside")

and it seemed really ridiculous, especially in the wake of my breakup with my ex. She was kind of like my mom, didn't really challenge me in any meaningful way.

But my counselor did disagree with me on things and he voiced that, not in an aggressive way or anything, but in a way that seemed... reasonable. Like when I got way too wrapped up in philosophy and confusion (probably related to derealization) and was telling him I felt afraid to walk because I really didn't know if the ground would be there when I put my foot down... He seemed slightly disbelieving I guess, and not like he was just going to take me seriously about that.

("You know that's not real, right?")

I guess it took me by surprise that people would separate philosophical ideas from their concrete realities. Once I really started thinking about that though, it made a world of difference for me. It was like... all this stuff in my head is fine and well and all, but it's contained and it doesn't have to be screwing up what's outside my head. I can separate that.

Maybe that approach wouldn't work for everyone, but I think I really needed someone to basically tell me, "cut the crap and be more practical about this. You aren't as bad as you think and you're capable of handling the situation."

In a way that's what all the authority figures in my life have always told me though, I guess... but it was more like "I know you're capable of doing this, why aren't you trying harder?"

(My report cards always said "bright but needs to work harder")

My parents just assume I can figure things out on my own and I don't need help. It's very hard for me to ask for help because of that, since it seems like everybody thinks I should be able to do things on my own. With my counselor it was a bit different, because although he did want me to be more practical and realistic, he didn't just say that and walk away. There was more support.

I'm in my twenties now and still just starting to come to terms with the idea that it's okay to ask people for help. -__- Even if it's just something small like asking directions in an area I don't know... I don't know if that's just getting over shyness or realizing it's okay to ask for help, though.

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It seems strange that there was a time before we had mass-produced clothing. That there was a time when people's clothes were... specifically made for them.

Of course, we do have our different sizes to accommodate a variety of bodies, but for the most part it's still just a scale of the same general body shape...

I guess I feel lucky that I don't really have to worry too much about whether something will fit me if I'm shopping online. I fit within the size chart fairly well. As many body insecurities as I had in the past, things all evened out eventually I suppose... or at least I stopped having such a distorted perception.

It's weird, I'm not sure if my body actually changed that much or if I just see it differently now. I remember feeling like my hips were horribly big and my shoulders were way too broad, and now they just look.... proportional? Maybe it also has to do with making a small attempt to dress nicer now than I did in high school.

I should thank my boyfriend more often for helping my self esteem get better.

---

Watched Daydream Nation last night with him and thought it was pretty good. I don't know if I am just able to appreciate movies more now or if that was just something so good it got past my apathy. I wonder if I will able to be more interested in things again. That would be nice.

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Background info: My boyfriend is staying at his mom's house and helping his nephew with his homework. His nephew is kind of overweight (he eats whole blocks of cheese apparently...) and doesn't like doing his homework.

Me: Helping him with his homework?
Boyfriend: Yes.
He's pretty unintelligent and he keeps trying to weasel out of it.
Me: Maybe you should show him the hard labor alternative to doing well in school. :P
Boyfriend: What do you mean?
Me: Oh, I was just joking around about horrible parenting styles.
Like you make him reenact all the digging scenes in Holes.
"YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK?"
Boyfriend: Oh.
I'd love watching that.
Me: Well your mom's property is pretty big.
Tell him treasure is buried somewhere on it and wake him up at 6 AM to start digging!
Boyfriend: I'll be nice and give him the short shovel.
Me: But if he still doesn't want to do his homework make him use the long shovel.
Boyfriend: I'll tie two shovels together.
Me: Bring in some of those lizards too.
And only give him onions to eat.
Boyfriend: That would be a good weight loss plan.
Run from the lizards... reduced calories because he's only eating onions.
We're going to make fine parents.
Me: We'll be the best, baby. :*
All the other parents will ask us why our children are so well behaved, respectful, and appreciative.
And we'll smile knowingly at each other.
Boyfriend: We should write a book on parenting techniques.
Me: "Introduction: First of all, you need to get rid of the misconception that your children are people. They're just globs of clay you have to mold into what you want. We recommend having a basement 'time out' chamber for times when they decide to try being smartasses."
Me: "A few hours in complete darkness and silence will make them appreciate how hard you work to raise them."
Boyfriend: I have never loved you more than right now.

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Him: How was your day?
Me: Fine.
Him: Nice. What are your plans for the long weekend?
Me: Probably just going to hang out with friends.
Him: Are you going to be in San Jose? My buddy is having a party Sunday. What's your number? You seem interesting and I would like to get to know you better.
Me: I'm not really interested in going to a party or giving you my number, sorry.
Him: Good, because I didn't want to get you pregnant.
Me: ...How is that even relevant?

He is a pickup artist I think.

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Can't post the video itself here, but I thought this was pretty good:

Who's Gonna Save My Soul

I feel like I've been in this weird state for awhile where I can't tell if I'm emotionally healthy or unhealthy.

I don't feel particularly depressed anymore, I guess, but life just seems... kind of bland? And yet I don't pay that much attention to it, aside from the stray pondering here and there.

"Didn't there used to be something more to this?"

It kind of sucks that most of my creative inspiration seems to come from being unhappy. I'm not sure I'm actually capable of writing not-depressed poetry with any sincerity to it.

In other news, Lucy suggested we go out to karaoke sometime. I've never done karaoke before, so the prospect is a bit daunting... And I'm not sure what songs I would sing. I'm not sure what I both know well enough and have the range to sing.

...Or what I wouldn't feel embarrassed singing.


Never me another girl like you
Work me over
Never met another girl like you
Drag me under
If I meet another girl like you
I will tell her
Never want another girl like you
Have to say

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It's very strange to me that when I look back at my old entries from a few years ago they don't give the impression that I was depressed at all. Well, not the ones I looked at just now, anyway.

Of course, my journal and other private blogs (as small as Nutang is, I do consider this my public blog) might say otherwise.

I guess the poetry I wrote when I was in high school is probably the best indicator of my depressive state at the time.

It's... so... bad... >_<

Kind of interesting to see the progression of themes though.

2005: Sad, some self pity
2006: Anger (at self and others), some confusion, uncertainty, feelings of alienation
2007: Berating myself, desperate obsession
2008: ??? (Detachment?)
2009: Fear, self doubt, desire to escape, descent into nonsense
2010: Isolation, guilt, detachment, inability to relate, panic, emptiness, regret
2011: Resignation, dark humor, withdrawal
2012: Detached self observation

I haven't written much poetry this year.

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