Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 6.5 hours.

I went to Piloxing today and was the only person in the class for most of it because they messed up the listing for the online registration, and it said it was going to be Bootcamp. One other lady came in, but she left after twenty minutes because she had to do something. So... it was just me and the instructor, and she gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card for sticking around. I gave the gift card to my mom, because I never go to Starbucks.

Yesterday I did Bootcamp and Cycle. Cycle is still being subbed by the instructor who turns off the lights and puts on disco lights and stuff, so that was cool.

I told my therapist about what happened on April 26th and I think he disapproved. He was relieved that things didn't go a lot worse than they did, but he clearly had a lot of reservations about my decisions that night. He told me that I could have just left.

The idea of leaving just never occurs to me. I think it's a leftover from my time spent depersonalized. I'm always sort of astonished when I tell people my experiences with weird or bad interactions and they say they wouldn't put up with it, or they wouldn't have engaged with people who seemed weird. It comes off as tolerance on my part, I guess, but it seems like tolerance would imply I'm making more of a choice. I often don't feel bothered by weird people or situations because I don't really feel like I'm there, and why would I be bothered by something that's not actually happening to me? Even when I do feel present though, I guess it's not generally a huge deal. Discomfort doesn't seem like a persuasive reason to exit most situations... Maybe I just don't feel a need to withdraw unless something seems legitimately dangerous.

---

I added someone new on Skype, and we haven't gotten to talk much, but it seems like there's potential for us to have very interesting conversations. He asked for my opinion on something this morning...

[5/11/2016 11:17:38 AM] J: okay, so i think one of the reason i often have trouble communicating is that, aside from respecting others and following my heart (or however you want to word it) in life, I can pretty comfortably say that I don't really care about anything, and so i generally find myself disinterested with most convos. And it isn't that I judge other peoples' concerns as trivial - i think they're vital and think everyone should follow their own path and all that - but i just don't feel the desire to be involved. Does that sound apathetic to you? I mean, I don't feeeeel apathetic, but i just want an outside opinion.
[5/11/2016 11:23:55 AM] Me: Oh, were you done typing?
[5/11/2016 11:26:10 AM] J: i'm not sure if i worded that correctly, to be honest. It has less to do with being disinterested in other peoples' concerns and more to do with not caring about many "things" in my own life, so I have very little to talk about. I like to just go about my day and enjoy the little parts of it. the walking, breathing, etc. The "quiet repose," as you worded it so nicely. So when people talk about their interests, i often can't get past the general concept of like, "oh, that's cool that you're investing yourself in something you're interested in," but nothing further than that.
[5/11/2016 11:26:23 AM] J: i was done but then felt the need to expand, sorry
[5/11/2016 11:26:31 AM] Me: No worries.
[5/11/2016 11:26:34 AM] J: done now though!
[5/11/2016 11:26:34 AM] Me: More details are helpful.
[5/11/2016 11:27:25 AM] Me: I think with just the first part, I would have said you do sound apathetic, but it seems like maybe the things you're interested in just don't really line up well with what other people are interested in?
[5/11/2016 11:27:34 AM] J: yes
[5/11/2016 11:28:03 AM] Me: Mm, that's a tricky one.
[5/11/2016 11:29:58 AM] J: or that maybe i'm just not interested in anything permanently. i have moments of interest and i follow them until my interest is exhausted, and then I move on. I have relatively few constants, and my interactions with other people - outside of when i'm in a relationship and living with a partner, since they're around during moments of interest and pursuit - generally take place in between those moments.
[5/11/2016 11:30:47 AM] J: so i'm often just trying to summon an artificial interest in something for the sake of creating a topic for discussion
[5/11/2016 11:30:50 AM] J: does that make sense?
[5/11/2016 11:31:27 AM] Me: Yeah, I think it does.
[5/11/2016 11:31:38 AM] Me: There's really nothing you're consistently interested in at all?
[5/11/2016 11:35:55 AM] J: Well, self development is probably the only thing I couldn't do without. There are things I enjoy, like video games or ukulele/singing or drawing / etc. etc. (i can find a way to enjoy almost anything), but they're all things that I could live without, and none of them are interests that involve strong opinions or content for discussion (or interest in discussing), I just enjoy immersing myself in them, to where the activity itself almost becomes it's own sort of quiet repose.
[5/11/2016 11:36:34 AM] Me: High five for self development. ^_^
[5/11/2016 11:36:45 AM] J: lol thanks *high-fives*
[5/11/2016 11:37:32 AM] Me: I get what you mean, though.
[5/11/2016 11:37:56 AM] Me I kind of hate being asked what my interests are, because it's not something I find that interesting to talk about, on average, haha.
[5/11/2016 11:43:21 AM] J: yeah, maybe it's the same for me and i'm just overanalyzing it. it's like, my interests exist for my own experience of life. they don't have anything to do with other people, even if someone is interested in the same thing. But like, if i'm learning rock-climbing or something and someone has a tip for me, that's awesome and I'll really appreciate it, but that's different than discussion. I love sharing experiences with people who have similar interests. I guess i'm just not one for conversation in general. Unless it's something more philosophical-ish.

I was very pleasantly surprised when he said that self development was the only thing he couldn't do without. Before he gave his answer, I was thinking about that exact thing. I felt like I could really relate to what he was saying, although his phrasing threw me off at first. Told my therapist about the conversation today in the session... I'm trying to avoid my usual tendency to enthusiastically throw myself into a new friendship in the hopes that I may have met a koi, but maybe...? I guess all I can do is try to proceed cautiously, and find that balance between being overly enthusiastic and being overly guarded.

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I had an honest, purely happy moment today in the car while driving back from babysitting. "If I Had A Million Dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies came on the radio and it had been so long since I heard it, but something about it was so comforting and funny and I sang along to it in the car and things felt really good. It was like reconnecting with a beloved old friend.

Also got a very lovely bird-themed A5-sized notebook for only $3.15 when I was out with Alex tonight. And just spent a good twenty minutes browsing through budgie-themed notebooks on Redbubble... You know, when I really think about it, it's actually not that difficult to get me gifts, because I'd be pretty happy with virtually anything if it had a cute budgie on it. The description of this notebook on Amazon says "For Parakeet Lover," and when I saw that I was like "HEY THAT'S ME! I'M THE TARGET MARKET FOR THIS PRODUCT!"

If I had a million dollars, I'd buy all the budgie things.

I've been listening to this lately.

"Afraid Of Heights" by Wavves.

I breathe in, so deeply
I�m stealing all the air
Unseated, still dizzy
From acting like I care

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Seem to have lost around three pounds since Saturday... Couldn't even hold down water on Saturday night, and was just gingerly sipping on water and nibbling on saltines yesterday.

Saturday night/Sunday morning was spent in a state of constant exhaustion, trying to sleep, possibly succeeding for a few minutes at a time, but waking up frequently because of pain and discomfort. The bathroom never feels so far away as when you have to slowly crawl to it in the dark.

I didn't want to drink anything or eat anything, but my dad encouraged me to keep drinking water. "That's how people die from cholera," he said, "it's the dehydration."

In some moments I wished I would just die. In other moments I thought about purposely depriving myself of food and water for that purpose. Not an experiment I could take back though.

It kind of felt like my stomach was dying and my body was trying to rip pieces off of it to eject them from me before any of my other organs were affected.

Still... I went to San Francisco yesterday with Esther, which was not really the best decision, considering how I felt. We went to Urban Air Market, but I didn't end up actually buying anything from it... got a tank top and a new messenger bag for the upcoming school year, though. My old school bag is seven years old and fraying pretty badly, so it'll be good to have a new (waterproof) one.

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Mike liked this article on the smug style in American Liberalism on Facebook, so I spent a bit of time reading that just now. It reminded me of why I don't really like The Daily Show or similar programs. I got tired of all the episodes pretty much being the host just expressing disbelief at people's seemingly stupid or senseless behavior in different ways. I guess it wasn't something I thought of as being a trend in liberalism overall, though. There is an unfortunate tendency for people (in general I think, although the article specifically names liberals) to be dismissive of things/viewpoints they don't understand. It's easier than putting in the time and energy required to understand them. But... I think it's not the right thing to do. I think the right thing to do is to fight our instincts in that regard and make the effort to understand other people and other things, and why they act they think and act the way they do. Understanding is an important part of empathy.

Empathy is one of my core values, and I think I will follow my therapist's advice and not question that either.

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I threw up more times last night than I have in probably the last five years combined.

feels bad man

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