it's just really hard tp type with a low blood sugar...shakey, dizzy, no energy to fix the typos... itll take me forever too...so thissll be fun...

tonights sugar of choice...poptarts! i ran out of juice, and hard candys not cuttin it tonight...usually less fat = quicker, but oh well...

tonights protein of choice...vering from the usual peanut butter...cheese! i think this brick is technically chris', but we've got 2 bricks of pepper jack, so i don't think he'll mind...if he does, too bad...he can go in and get it...i tend to overtreat because i panic when its been a minute and im not all better...avg takes 5-10, so that gives me several minutes to overtreat and make myself sick...its been donwe..so i munch something sugar free, and protein or fat will help the last bit of sugar slow down and hhold on for a little longer to avoid crashin again in an hour...i really dont wanna wake up at 5 or 6am to do this all again...you're not helpin the diet, pop tarts!!

i hate wakin up like this...but at least this time there was no panic attack...the last few weeks my low symptoms have included panic attacks and quick, bright, floaters, which make me really nervous...for those of you new to the game, my mom went blind at the age of 22 (to be exact almost a whoe yr younger than i am now) from diabetic retinopathy while she was pregnant with me...as someone who enjoys my sight...and as a frickin photographer, this is the complication that actually scares the shit out of me...heart problems, neuropathy, dialysis i watched her deal with, and it never really terrified me...but they mentioned ONCE a few yrs ago that they were starting to see the slightest signs of leakage (rtinopathy is when the blood vessels in the eyes get thin, start to leak, and break, causing blindness as the retinas detatch) i freaked out and nearly ended up in the loony bin ( a talk for another day)...luckily, i improved my control a lot, and the damage wasn't too bad not to heal. it was the one thing that bothered me when i was pregnant...the heart things i could deal with, but suddenly losing my art work? unacceptable. so this panic attack, floaters thing...bothers me to say the least..and doesnt helpt he panic attack.

in the last few months ive really pulled in the reins and managed to get my sugars into severely improved control...i wasnt too badly over, but it was slipping, so i worked really hard to improve it...the only problem with that is that ive yet to peerfect the balance...so being ina normal range the rest of the day is usually followed (or preceeded) by a crash late night/early morning. i am not happy to be awake right now, but its starting to get better....and bed calls.

thanks for tolerating my shakey narrative.
gnight...and good cheese

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so this whole thing with lauren turned pretty wrong pretty fast. ive apologized all i can at this point.

today i got up and went to work on an hour or 2 of sleep. thank you to a few special people who kept me from getting dangerously experimental in my desperate insomnia last night. i got through an hour of my shift before my body went into shutdown mode and bekah drove me home. i really cant afford to lose the hours...but i wasnt going to last the day through. ive spent the rest of the day trying to find my berrings again. no dice.

on a happier note. chad went with me to get red lobster takeout. i havent felt up to eating it yet, but its waiting for me when i can stomach the thought of food again. we had a long talk about the state of the union. its nioce to at least vent a little bit. i know he cant really give me advice or take sides, and im not asking for that. i just need to talk sometimes to sort my own thoughts.

i also started layout and prelim writing for the book i want to at least start this year. im not really sure where its headed, but well see. i wonder if i could borrow or rent a laptop for when im in dallas. id get some choice writing done. otherwise ill take a notebook and write until my fingers fall off. i might start a separate blog somewhere for writing. i dunno.

speaking of which...jennifer from chicago called me today! i LOVE hearing from jennifer from chicago because it means im one step closer! i havent called her back yet, because i like to be coherent when i talk to her, but i expect good things...maybe even a start date! yay!

ok there'll be more later...for now ive got some writing to do before i start to fade.

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*yawn*
i had an extremely restless night...it'd be easy to blame chris' boisterous fish-flopping, but in reality i was having a hard time falling asleep before he was having a hard time being asleep. i think i need a new pillow. mine feels like a rock lately. when my mom started getting sick and spending 16+ hours a day in bed the doctor recommended one of those memory foam pillows. it seemed to work really well for her head. maybe i'll try one. i've had these ones for at least 10 years...and i can feel it.

so here i am. i'd gone to bed with already less than 7 hours to go before alarm time, and i didn't sleep anywhere near a majority of the time i was in bed. i feel exhausted and slightly sick to my stomach, but tara's coming over to s hoot this morning, so i'm, still a bit excited. we haven't shot in over a year!

later today, while chris is at work, i'll probably take a nap. issac will be here to get me at 4am to get me to the airport. i owe him uber friend favour points.

so that's that...i need to go get some breakfast to wake me up!

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