i cant sleep...bah!
my eyes wanna close and im all tired-shivery..but when i lie down i cant sleep...bah!
christmas eve was nice...didnt make church AGAIN but its nice to see chris' family.
his grandpa and i actually had a nice little conversation about cameras. then he almost fell on me.
tomorrow ill see the same group of folks plus one. should be a good time.

presents in the am...im thinking of sleeping on the couch in the glow of the tree...that always used to make me sleep peacefully when i was little...

wish me luck...
im SO tired...
merry christmas to all
and to all a good night...?

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im so fucking tired!
and all i can do is lie there, listening to him snore, grinding my teeth....not sleeping.
gah!
*sigh*

lauren sent me a message saying she's stuck at the airport because she's short on parking garage money. shes understandably frustrated and worried, and im worried for her, and i wish i could say im sorry... im sorry for every time shes picked me up which meant she had to pay for gas sooner, im sorry everyone i know at the airport is already gone for the night, im sorry septa stops trains especially on sundays, im sorry i cant drive to save my life, im sorry i cant go back in time and not make you spend an extra $2, im sorry i couldnt make the internet fare last another 12 hours, im sorry im sorry im sorry....im sorry i was only available to yell at via text message at 1am because i care, and i offered as much help as i could...im sorry that wasnt good enough.

and no...im never good enough.
not a good enough friend
not a good enough girlfriend
not a good enough photographer
not a good enough singer
not a good enough writer
not a good enough employee
not a good enough daughter, granddaughter
not smart enough, skinny enough, healthy enough, happy enough...
unreliable, undependable, inconsistent, inevitably a failure...
ya, thats me...

and i. can't. sleep.

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*yawn*
i had an extremely restless night...it'd be easy to blame chris' boisterous fish-flopping, but in reality i was having a hard time falling asleep before he was having a hard time being asleep. i think i need a new pillow. mine feels like a rock lately. when my mom started getting sick and spending 16+ hours a day in bed the doctor recommended one of those memory foam pillows. it seemed to work really well for her head. maybe i'll try one. i've had these ones for at least 10 years...and i can feel it.

so here i am. i'd gone to bed with already less than 7 hours to go before alarm time, and i didn't sleep anywhere near a majority of the time i was in bed. i feel exhausted and slightly sick to my stomach, but tara's coming over to s hoot this morning, so i'm, still a bit excited. we haven't shot in over a year!

later today, while chris is at work, i'll probably take a nap. issac will be here to get me at 4am to get me to the airport. i owe him uber friend favour points.

so that's that...i need to go get some breakfast to wake me up!

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