First an update on my ebay situation...I sent the guy a message explaining what happened, all very diplomaticaly I must add, and I get a snide reply message stating "as far as we're concerned, we sent the items to your confirmed address and have no more say in the matter." I immediately went to PayPal to open a case against him, restating everything I'd already said. Now, their resolution center serves as an official mediator so two parties can work things out on t heir own. The parties have 20 days to either resolve the situation or escalate the case to a "claim" which means PayPal decides the outcome. The seller pretty much reiterated his "confirmed address" bullshit and escalated it to a claim himself. Asshole. So now I'm waiting for PayPal's decision. Then I go to ebay. He's definitely getting some extremely negative feedback from me.

In other news, I bid on and won a dress for Tara's wedding today. Hopefully it fits...according to the measurements it should.

Somehow tonight my blood sugar is 500, and I don't like that. I can't call out tomorrow, and I'm going to be exhausted. Hopefully at least the number goes down overnight.

I finally got an endocronology appointment..for December because the new woman I'm trying to get an appointment with is on maternity leave. But at least I finally have a date!

<<<>>>

In addition to all this, my depression cycle is back, and this time taking a huge toll in addition to my other stresses, first and foremost being money. I seriously considered giving up my photography today. It costs me a lot of money, and I don't see affording a new camera being in my near future at all, especially since it's going to cost us a lot of money for a new car, and this one's coming up for inspection in a few months, which doesn't give us much time to make a decision. I'm trying so hard to keep afloat, I DONT know how we're covering bills AND rent (which is due in a week), and I'm tired of falling further and further. I've always had fairly good credit, and now it's all falling apart because we CANT save and we're NOT getting by every month. The guy interested in me singing for his band gave me a demo, and as much as I TRY to learn t hese songs I can't. I don't like them. I don't like the style, I don't like the words...I just don't feel it. Do I want to sing? More than anything, that's why I'm trying to be satisfied here. I wanted to play with Chris more than anything, but they decided I'm not right for them. I was disappointed with my audition for them, but they assured me it was great, so I had some hope...all I want is one chance. One night behind a mic. I miss it. I miss the life that fills me on a stage. I just don't know how to get there again. That's why I'm trying so hard to dig what Mike's doing...it's just not me... so what do i do? I feel like giving up everything that makes me happy or passionate...i feel like id almost be better if i were a drone content to work all the time so we could get a car...ive been crying all day for no good goddamned reason, and im really tired of it...no wonder my blood sugars so high...i just cant do this anymore tonight...*sigh* i cant concentrate anymore...im goin to bed...

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i made dinner tonight that was really yummy...but it seemed to give chris and me both a tummyache...im sorry hunny!

while we ate we watched "running with scissors", based on the memoir by one of my favourite authors, augusten burroughs. reading the book inspired me to write more myself. reading his subsequent memoirs (dry and magical thinking) inspired me to start writing my own memoir of sorts...that may or may not ever actually reach completion. it was a good movie, with wonderful visual imagery. at first i was a little unsure of joseph cross being cast as augusten, but int he end i can say it was a good choice.

anywho...ive got a shoot in the morning..and hopefully i can talk chris into playin some music with me soon...was on the docket today but the time he had free i was in "verge of tears mode" which is not quite conducive to singing, especially when im working on getting my voice back.

im sleepy, and my tummy still hurts....wish us luck on the flip side!

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today was pretty relaxed.
headed over to the mall for a little bit. had lunch with ralph. got a new present for nicky. didn't get my hair trimmed as i had planned. chris got home, and we headed over to blockbuster and boston market. cat gave us a $25 gift card for boston market for christmas (*coughs* on friday), so we had yummy dinner with money left over for next time. came home and called my dad, headed to acme for stuff to take to lunch. we actually did pretty well with the healthy decisions. i need to start paying more attention to my numbers, and i'd like to eat healthier, so i did my best to make smart but reasonable (too much change at once generally leads to failure) choices. got home and watched "for your consideration" which was really funny. i love christopher guest movies. while we were watching i was finishing off my bag of peanut m&m's and suddenly i tasted something uh...tangy! m&m's aren't supposed to be tangy!!!! im convinced i ate a giant bug, even if chris tried to convince me it was another kind of candy that was candy shelled and bagged in with the m&m's. either way...gross! i'm not sure i'll be able to trust a bag of peanut m&m's for a while.

ok thats enough, a little more relaxing before bed...5am wake up to get to PHL by 8!

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I received a friend request today on Facebook...from my grandmother. After several years of managing to keep myself under the radar when it came to family, they've finally caught up with me. I am at that point faced with a dilemma. I can either deny the add and pretend I never got it, I can censor my page to be "grandma friendly, or I can accept the add sure of the inevitability that we'll have the "Jennifer is an adult and will live her life as she sees fit" conversation. I chose option 3 with only change being that I moved my marital status from "married" to "engaged". Our families don't yet know we're married, so for now it's the safest bet for everyone involved. Eventually this will, I have no doubt, lead to questions about my status updates, comments my friends make, my spiritual path (that side of my family is devout Catholic), and the way I choose to run my household ("Jennifer, it can't be sanitary. Just use Clorox and Windex like the rest of us!"). In the days when I first started using Livejournal, I made a separate account as a decoy for family. It worked for a short time before I let it go fallow. I was more insecure in my identity then, and less sure that what I was doing was the right choice for me. I now have no regrets and no hesitation. I am no longer ashamed of who I am. If my family chooses to enter a forum of my life that's not their living rooms...they will get the truth. Don't ask questions to which you might not want the answers...and don't get a Facebook if you don't want to really get to know someone. Hi, my name is Jennifer, and I refuse to censor myself for the sake of family ignorance.

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