i tried to nap...and failed miserably.
chris got home and we watched half of the island before we both felt exhausted...so we wandered off to bed...everytime i got really comfy id wake up, so i decided to come sit...that was 3 hours ago...he needs the sleep, btut he's gonna be a lil peeved when he realizes hes slept so far an hour past when he wanted to get up...ive been trying to waste time so maybe i can nap too...id love to be in there cuddled up and sleeping..but im here, bored, sick, tired, alone...bleh.

looking up bridesmaid dresses...every one i look at makes me feel more and more fat and grotesque...sok, no one will notice once they get past tara (who despite what she tells you looks gorgeous in her gown) and the matron of honour (who happens to be a model). i could wear a pink bunny suit and no one would notice (except from what i hear, maybe taras mom) so im still looking. found a couple reasonably priced gowns on ebay, but after last yr im slightly weary of dresses i cant try on first. im a weird fit. fat. plus sizes are too big and regular sizes are too small. chris and i have to figure out how were getting to the wedding, but im sure we'll figure something out. i'll be there, bunny!

mike gave me a demo last night to find a couple songs to audition with. it sounds completely different from what i remember from the myspace samples. i dunno if this is really what i want to do. im not sure he'd be willing to let me shake them up a little. they dont sounds bad, i guess, if youre into belle and sebastian. im just...not.

i apologize for all the whining today..im sick and feeling gross....i did pay for my new backdrops today. priced some new lighting (which is pretty far off)...

there was something else, but i cant find a good transition, so if its still important later, maybe ill post again...
heh
gonna go crawl into bed and try to sleep again

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First an update on my ebay situation...I sent the guy a message explaining what happened, all very diplomaticaly I must add, and I get a snide reply message stating "as far as we're concerned, we sent the items to your confirmed address and have no more say in the matter." I immediately went to PayPal to open a case against him, restating everything I'd already said. Now, their resolution center serves as an official mediator so two parties can work things out on t heir own. The parties have 20 days to either resolve the situation or escalate the case to a "claim" which means PayPal decides the outcome. The seller pretty much reiterated his "confirmed address" bullshit and escalated it to a claim himself. Asshole. So now I'm waiting for PayPal's decision. Then I go to ebay. He's definitely getting some extremely negative feedback from me.

In other news, I bid on and won a dress for Tara's wedding today. Hopefully it fits...according to the measurements it should.

Somehow tonight my blood sugar is 500, and I don't like that. I can't call out tomorrow, and I'm going to be exhausted. Hopefully at least the number goes down overnight.

I finally got an endocronology appointment..for December because the new woman I'm trying to get an appointment with is on maternity leave. But at least I finally have a date!

<<<>>>

In addition to all this, my depression cycle is back, and this time taking a huge toll in addition to my other stresses, first and foremost being money. I seriously considered giving up my photography today. It costs me a lot of money, and I don't see affording a new camera being in my near future at all, especially since it's going to cost us a lot of money for a new car, and this one's coming up for inspection in a few months, which doesn't give us much time to make a decision. I'm trying so hard to keep afloat, I DONT know how we're covering bills AND rent (which is due in a week), and I'm tired of falling further and further. I've always had fairly good credit, and now it's all falling apart because we CANT save and we're NOT getting by every month. The guy interested in me singing for his band gave me a demo, and as much as I TRY to learn t hese songs I can't. I don't like them. I don't like the style, I don't like the words...I just don't feel it. Do I want to sing? More than anything, that's why I'm trying to be satisfied here. I wanted to play with Chris more than anything, but they decided I'm not right for them. I was disappointed with my audition for them, but they assured me it was great, so I had some hope...all I want is one chance. One night behind a mic. I miss it. I miss the life that fills me on a stage. I just don't know how to get there again. That's why I'm trying so hard to dig what Mike's doing...it's just not me... so what do i do? I feel like giving up everything that makes me happy or passionate...i feel like id almost be better if i were a drone content to work all the time so we could get a car...ive been crying all day for no good goddamned reason, and im really tired of it...no wonder my blood sugars so high...i just cant do this anymore tonight...*sigh* i cant concentrate anymore...im goin to bed...

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And it's been rather eventful already. There was a rather eye-opening conversation over Boston Market, but I'll get into that later...

Yesterday I experience the "seventh level of Hell" of any girl who's just found herself in relationship turmoil....or for anyone who hates dresses or dress shopping, or girls like me with odd proportions... David's Bridal. Yes, yesterday I talked Chris into taking me to Plymouth Meeting to David's Bridal, as it was the last possible day I could've found anyone to take me. I hate dragging him to those kinds of places, and now that we're in this stage of whatever we are I feel even worse, but he was my only ride option, so we went. We got there with relatively little hurrah, but there was a Guitar Center next door, so I ditched the idea of making him help me find something suitable and let him go wander (the lucky bastard!). My dress girl, Jill, was wonderfully patient with me. I have got to be the most uncouth, ridiculous person to help find a dress. Fortunately for Jill, the colour Christina picked for us to wear is one of the least available colours in the store. The same condition is quite unfortunate for me...who doesn't particularly look like I belong in ANY dress. BUT! I squashed my "just got my plans of ever getting married waylaid by a relationship semi truck" depression, tried not to look at the gorgeously happy brides all around me, and tried on as many dresses as Jill could unearth in my size. Several rounds of wrestling with lining, back zippers, and strapless bras later, I found it. I have to admit, once it's hemmed (ha ha Jenn's short....I get it), it's gonna look pretty damned good on me. Maybe not in the ungodly teal colour I tried on, but I'm told it looks fantastic in clover. So, I stood in the slowest checkout line in history and bought the most expensive dress I've ever owned. (Christina! Help! I'm poor!)

After our dress adventure, we headed to band practice. I got to meet Vinny and hear how he's influenced their sound. I like it.

Today Chris headed out to work, and I went back to bed for a couple hours. I haven't slept that long in weeks, and my body's been so exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally....I've been out of it. So I slept until I woke up and decided "it's Easter, dammit! I'm dying eggs!" At ACME, the cutest little boy in the world called me "mommy" (yay for sore spot number 2 this week). Dad didn't seem amused by any of it, so I tried not to talk to the baby, but he was so cute. I wish I could be that amused at the grocery store.

So my list for the day includes doing the dishes, hemming at least a couple pairs of my uniform pants, doing Chris' taxes, and working on the most multifaceted song I've ever tried to write lyrics to...seriously, Trev, we need to work on continuity. Hah.

So chores before Chris gets home and his mom comes over for pizza and movies. Not the usual Easter fare, but this isn't really usual circumstance anymore, is it?

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