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i hope you find someone new, because i'm not the one for you
Saturday. 10.25.08 6:22 pm
I can feel the hot Arizona air, turning to a cold winter breeze.... And I FUCKING HATE IT!!!

Anyways, times are harder than ever for this last month and a half that Iím here. Saving up money is DEFINITELY proving to be harder than ever. Staying out of a relationship is proving to be easier than I thought. And moving away from my friends is gonna be the hardest thing im gonna be going through.

Anyways, as most of you people know, I cut my hair. Its like... the shortest its EVER been... ever. Its so crazy and I also forget that I cut it until I like run my hand over my head, or look in the mirror... its achange, but its a good one. And I felt like I needed it. Lol. Plus, my hair will grow evenly all over, lol. Its so crazy! I just cut my hair like... a week or 2 ago, and its already starting to grow back. Haha. Wow. And im excited for my black hair. Im sick of dying it, lol.

Im starting to get a more healthier... lifestyle. Well trying to at least. I can start to look as good as I want. Im starting to eat more and stop looking so damn skinny. Eating 3 times a day, trying to pick more healthier substitutes for food, lol. Hopefully that'll work for me, but is a really hard process, especially when your trying to save money. Being healthy can definitely get expensive. So that by the time I move, ill be sexy as ever. Or at least by January =D. But I really wanna look amazing for Halloween for my Aladdin costume. Lol. Jank huh? But I totally finished it and it looks amazing. I cant wait to wear it next Saturday for the Halloween party. W00t w00t.

Friendships are harder to maintain nowadays. I haven't made up with Tiffany. And in a way, I miss her, but in another way, its probably better. I really don't think we can repair our friendship like it was before. Not now anyways. I just feel like I can see her in the same light anymore. Whatever. Some people are starting to piss me off more now. Its like, Iím so done with your immaturity, your lies, your trash talking, your unreliability, YOU. It just sucks. But I guess its a good thing Iím moving, to get away from that. But no one can replace the few AMAZING friends that I have: Rochelle, Cheri, Jennifer, Alyse, Mathew, Chris, Chris, and Sierra. Those are down ass people. And I love them all. But really, friendship is such a hard thing to come by nowadays.
Relationships are harder. Especially with the trust issues I have. Or should I say, too much trust and trusting too early. I realized that I have a trust problem. Its not really a problem with trusting people, its more a problem of I trust them too much. Then I FREAK out on what should I care about, should I care about this, or that, or am I getting myself into something I shouldn't, or blah blah blah, and it just... frustrates me! You know? Its not something I can just look over but its the way I think. And I guess I just need to tone it down a little bit. =/.

Idk, but that way I feel... I guess. I honestly hate it. I really do, and Iíd much rather be alone in life than have my trust issues. But I do so I have to live with it. I mean I cant help the way I feel, you know. If you donít like it, well, you donít have to. Iím not gonna change my whole being for someone whom I THINK I might have a chance with because you never know whats gonna happen in the future. All you can do really is hope. Itís a very fickle thing, I think. And I really like having a companion, a partner in crime, a clyde to my bonnie, a peanut butter to my jelly, and banana to my nut loaf and so on. I really donít like it when people are being shady to me. And it makes it harder if your in a different state because you really donít know whats going on. You can really start to like someone but not really know who the real person is until youíve met them. And it really sucks not knowing who they are because they can be as fake as a press ons. Or hair extensions, unless your like Cheri whose extensions are FABUOUS and amazing. =]. But really I need to stop talking to boys altogether and focus on moving and getting a job. Because a boy cant get me either. I think that I wanna be single for a while when I get there. I mean, I wont know anyone, so its not like id be talking to guys all the time. Idk. Who knows, I might find love there. But in my heart, I know I wanna be alone for a while. But thatís just me saying it, I donít know if Iíll be able to keep my word about it but I really hope I do. Thatíd be most beneficial.

Iím definitely trying to save up some money. And its not going so well. But on Friday, ill have had some things paid off and so I won't have to spend as much on things. Or not spend any money at all. I've
been bringing lunches to work, so that I don't spend money at this damn food court. Saving money AND less empty calories, big plus. =D. Jennifer has been in England for 2 weeks and I've been taking up her hrs and good golly its a lot. I worked 48 hrs last week. =/. Hopefully ill have a big pay off this Friday and ill feel more relieved about my money situation... BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I CAN SPEND IT ON UNNECESSARY THINGS! And that's what I need to keep telling myself. And definitely my boss has quit his job just a couple days ago and so im hoping to get a lot of hours these last 3 weeks. I would really like to save up at LEAST $1,000 - $2,000 for my move. Hopefully that'll be enough, you know?

I also really hate it when people talk politics with me, like, I know my shit, I know the candidates and what they do and the pros and cons about both, I don't need you to educate me about things. I have my own mind. I hate it when my friends go and start saying shit on McCain and Palin. Shit, I like them, YOU don't have to. I don't need to hear about their bullshit, I already know. You think that just because I support them means I look at all the good things and then I don't look at their bad assets? No. Iím not stupid. I do know their faults, and I know Obama's faults and forte's too. I definitely don't need education on that, so
SHUT THE FUCK UP. I like who I like and you can't change that. You can't please everyone!
On that note, donít comment me about politics. I have my opinions, you have yours, Iím not trying to piss anyone off. Iíve already lost a lot of friends because of it.
XOXO Gossip Girl.
Haha jk,

Adrey

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goddamn you adrian
Saturday. 7.19.08 8:43 pm
soooo basically today was blahhh. work work work. i got a stain on my shirt which isn't going away and its kinda pissing me off. but whatevs. i'm gonna go to this party tonight that Ivan invited me too and it's being hosted at this kids hizzouse or something like that but hopefully it'll be fun. but honestly, i could care less for it.

blahh. i havent talked to Nate all day. and i think he's mad at me. but i do know that he's chillin with his aunt or something. ah well. it's all good in the hood.

sooo i found out that i'm an overly jealous person. how? because i went to the midnight screening of The Dark Knight which was FUGGGGGGIN' amazing as shit and i loved it. =]. but i invited Ivan along with us and he sat next to Nate and then we all start talking and its a good old time... but then he starts txting him on my phone... then i take it back from him and i keep it for myself txting my other friends. and then he takes Ivans phone and then they have this coversation on his phone and im sitting there FUMING... like completely livid. but i'm like "whatever Adrian, just let it go. it doesn't matter. he's leaving in a couple of weeks so you wont have to be hung up on him for very long." and it TOTALLY sucks because i'm attached... he's i admit. i got attached to him, even though i said i am swearing off guys for a while... hypocritical Adrian went and got himself hung up on some guy who he met like a couple weeks ago whose moving back to NY in a week and a half.

like this is how hung up i am, im making him a scarf, a multi colored scarf, im throwing him a party next friday, i'm taking hella pix so that i could make him a scrapbook for when he goes back and stuff. like... how pathetic is that? but idon't really care. i wanna do it because thats what friends do... well thats what i do for MY friends because ilike to believe im a good friend. but he doesn't want me. i bet he doesn't even like me. but whatever, i told him since he was moving that i'll show him a good time. but lately i've just been cold and bitchy to him. which i totally regret because he prolly doesn't like me even more now. but whatever. i have good intentions for it but thats nnot really a good excuse, i should be a better friend and just hiding my feelings and just keeping to myself. but i can't. im a very complicated person and i realized that. i realized that i cant have a relationship and i wanna be alone. i kinda wish i didn't have feelings for anyone so i could go on living my life by myself. im young! im turning 19 August 1st and i have my whole life ahead of me. i just need to concentrate on the more important things than having a relationship with someone. and i want someone to punch me in the face if i get into another relationship within the next month. LITERALLY.

but a good friend isnt a bitch to their friends... thatsmore of enemies, and i wanna be far from an enemy. and i feel really guilty about it. =[. im so stupid. i wanna talk to him, but im afraid of what he'll say... maybe somethings are better left unsaid. but iknow that in my heart, he's leaving so soon and im gonna hate seeing him go and i know why i was being short, and bitchy, and cold to him... it's because i dont wanna say goodbye and i;m trying to unattach myself so that it wont hurt as bad when he leaves.... and thats terrible. i shouldn't be doing that. i should be spending as much time with him as i can and letting him have fun but i dont wanna say goodbye... i really dont.... it hurts too much to even think about it. jeezus adrian.

im gonna go finish making that scarf now.

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