i hope you find someone new, because i'm not the one for you
Saturday. 10.25.08 6:22 pm
I can feel the hot Arizona air, turning to a cold winter breeze.... And I FUCKING HATE IT!!!
Anyways, times are harder than ever for this last month and a half that Iím here. Saving up money is DEFINITELY proving to be harder than ever. Staying out of a relationship is proving to be easier than I thought. And moving away from my friends is gonna be the hardest thing im gonna be going through.
Anyways, as most of you people know, I cut my hair. Its like... the shortest its EVER been... ever. Its so crazy and I also forget that I cut it until I like run my hand over my head, or look in the mirror... its achange, but its a good one. And I felt like I needed it. Lol. Plus, my hair will grow evenly all over, lol. Its so crazy! I just cut my hair like... a week or 2 ago, and its already starting to grow back. Haha. Wow. And im excited for my black hair. Im sick of dying it, lol.
Im starting to get a more healthier... lifestyle. Well trying to at least. I can start to look as good as I want. Im starting to eat more and stop looking so damn skinny. Eating 3 times a day, trying to pick more healthier substitutes for food, lol. Hopefully that'll work for me, but is a really hard process, especially when your trying to save money. Being healthy can definitely get expensive. So that by the time I move, ill be sexy as ever. Or at least by January =D. But I really wanna look amazing for Halloween for my Aladdin costume. Lol. Jank huh? But I totally finished it and it looks amazing. I cant wait to wear it next Saturday for the Halloween party. W00t w00t.
Friendships are harder to maintain nowadays. I haven't made up with Tiffany. And in a way, I miss her, but in another way, its probably better. I really don't think we can repair our friendship like it was before. Not now anyways. I just feel like I can see her in the same light anymore. Whatever. Some people are starting to piss me off more now. Its like, Iím so done with your immaturity, your lies, your trash talking, your unreliability, YOU. It just sucks. But I guess its a good thing Iím moving, to get away from that. But no one can replace the few AMAZING friends that I have: Rochelle, Cheri, Jennifer, Alyse, Mathew, Chris, Chris, and Sierra. Those are down ass people. And I love them all. But really, friendship is such a hard thing to come by nowadays.
Relationships are harder. Especially with the trust issues I have. Or should I say, too much trust and trusting too early. I realized that I have a trust problem. Its not really a problem with trusting people, its more a problem of I trust them too much. Then I FREAK out on what should I care about, should I care about this, or that, or am I getting myself into something I shouldn't, or blah blah blah, and it just... frustrates me! You know? Its not something I can just look over but its the way I think. And I guess I just need to tone it down a little bit. =/.
Idk, but that way I feel... I guess. I honestly hate it. I really do, and Iíd much rather be alone in life than have my trust issues. But I do so I have to live with it. I mean I cant help the way I feel, you know. If you donít like it, well, you donít have to. Iím not gonna change my whole being for someone whom I THINK I might have a chance with because you never know whats gonna happen in the future. All you can do really is hope. Itís a very fickle thing, I think. And I really like having a companion, a partner in crime, a clyde to my bonnie, a peanut butter to my jelly, and banana to my nut loaf and so on. I really donít like it when people are being shady to me. And it makes it harder if your in a different state because you really donít know whats going on. You can really start to like someone but not really know who the real person is until youíve met them. And it really sucks not knowing who they are because they can be as fake as a press ons. Or hair extensions, unless your like Cheri whose extensions are FABUOUS and amazing. =]. But really I need to stop talking to boys altogether and focus on moving and getting a job. Because a boy cant get me either. I think that I wanna be single for a while when I get there. I mean, I wont know anyone, so its not like id be talking to guys all the time. Idk. Who knows, I might find love there. But in my heart, I know I wanna be alone for a while. But thatís just me saying it, I donít know if Iíll be able to keep my word about it but I really hope I do. Thatíd be most beneficial.
Iím definitely trying to save up some money. And its not going so well. But on Friday, ill have had some things paid off and so I won't have to spend as much on things. Or not spend any money at all. I've
been bringing lunches to work, so that I don't spend money at this damn food court. Saving money AND less empty calories, big plus. =D. Jennifer has been in England for 2 weeks and I've been taking up her hrs and good golly its a lot. I worked 48 hrs last week. =/. Hopefully ill have a big pay off this Friday and ill feel more relieved about my money situation... BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I CAN SPEND IT ON UNNECESSARY THINGS! And that's what I need to keep telling myself. And definitely my boss has quit his job just a couple days ago and so im hoping to get a lot of hours these last 3 weeks. I would really like to save up at LEAST $1,000 - $2,000 for my move. Hopefully that'll be enough, you know?
I also really hate it when people talk politics with me, like, I know my shit, I know the candidates and what they do and the pros and cons about both, I don't need you to educate me about things. I have my own mind. I hate it when my friends go and start saying shit on McCain and Palin. Shit, I like them, YOU don't have to. I don't need to hear about their bullshit, I already know. You think that just because I support them means I look at all the good things and then I don't look at their bad assets? No. Iím not stupid. I do know their faults, and I know Obama's faults and forte's too. I definitely don't need education on that, so
SHUT THE FUCK UP. I like who I like and you can't change that. You can't please everyone!
On that note, donít comment me about politics. I have my opinions, you have yours, Iím not trying to piss anyone off. Iíve already lost a lot of friends because of it.
XOXO Gossip Girl.
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my one true love
Saturday. 3.28.09 12:59 pm
i don't remember how many times i've written about love... but i feel like this will be this wont be the last time...
what is love? i have no idea. but to me, i think it's when you know that your comfortable with this person your with, and that you could see yourself living with this person and that your life will be BETTER with this person in the future, through thick and thin. day and night. love and lust. i haven't felt love from someone other than my family in a very long time, and i'm beginning to miss it. but the thing is is that i don't just wanna jump into something that i don't know what's gonna come out of it, you know?
i would like to date. i would like to confide into someone intimately. i would love to cuddle with someone on a dreary day like today. i would like to someone to go running with me in the mornings or at night. i would love to have late night talks and fooling around. i would love for my family to have dinner with this person and be happy for me. i would love to have simple romantic nights, and i would love to have super romantic nights. i would love to be in love. but i don't wanna be in love with the fact of being in love. i want the real thing.
is that weird?
i know, i ask that question a lot, but really. someone my age wants to be in love. i'm not saying i wanna find it now, but eventually. it'll come to me when it comes to me, but i guess i'm just lonely. yeah, i have friends and what-not but they are just friends. i want a spark. i want someone whom i wanna see everyday, who wants to see me everyday. who'll lay in my arms while i sing them to sleep. who will accept me for who i am. whom i can trust and be honest with. who i will accept for who they are. who will listen to me cry and bitch and moan. who i can listen to them bitch and moan. who'll laugh at my un-comical jokes and participate in my families crazy antics and i can in his. i want a guy whose mine, as i am his.
sometimes i think that i'm gonna be alone forever... only because society these days, it seems like everyone is in a relationship, just to be in a relationship, or they're just out for sex. sometimes i just feel like i think differently about things than... most people. and when i talk to people about it, they always say that... blahhh, blah blah your too young to be in love, enjoy being young, blah blah blah. but to me, that just makes me mad. because they don't KNOW the way i feel.
i really HATE boasting about myself... i don't like to put myself over others, and saying i'm better than others, because I'M NOT. i know i'm not better than you. all i can do is be better than the person i was before... but what i do know is that i have a big heart, but i FEEL (not KNOW) i FEEL like i'm too mature for my age. is that arrogant of me to say? i hope not. but really... i feel that way. i haven't met someone who has the same views as me or anything like that. i haven't met someone who would level me out, and bring me down to my 19 year old side. yes, i do have it, but i constantly think about the future and what it may hold and how i'm living and how what i do now, is going to affect me later. i can be immature... when i'm around the right people. and it makes me crazy. i just hope a lot of the things i've done in the past don't haunt me in the future. even they might, i'm trying to prepare for that day. soooooo as you can see. a lot goes through my tiny little head. which sucks, but i can't change the way i feel.
it's so difficult.
okay i'm done with that little tangent.
i think this has inspired me to write a new song. not very many things inspire me i think because i'm a difficult person. it takes a while for things to come to me and i feel like now, something has. like, i don't write a lot of songs, because i'm not inspired too. and when i am, it turns out great, and i'm like... how the hell did i write this song because this isn't something i would really play or sing. it's a like a little baton of musicality that conducts me until i come out with a song.
when did this blog about romance and relationships turn into a blog about music? lol.
i guess, music will always be my one true love.
Tuesday. 5.27.08 2:01 pm
i miss my boyfriend. and my in securities are starting to flood in. everytime i'm not with him or not talking to him.... i get a big ball of insecurities in the pit of my stomach. i feel bad but i feel like he still has feelings for his ex-boyfriend. his ex has been texting him lately and he's been talking to him... and it makes me worry. because his ex broke up with him and now he's all trying to text him and apologize and stuff. and i just start to worry that maybe i gave him the confidence to start talking to other guys and i'm just afriad that he's building back his relationship with his ex. and i really don't want that to happen. i cant even count how many times i think about it and i just feel like i want to cry... because i really do. i guess it's my insecurities. and its getting a hold of me... because i'm clingy... i know this. and not very many people like clingy people so i normally dont tell people that i'm clingy... but thats the case with me. i really like him... so i get clingy, and after all the good times and he goes away... i start to think about the negative stuff. but when he calls me... he it makes my day soooo much brighter and i love it. my heart begins to flutter and i just... i don't know. i very much am in love with him. and i've done so much to build this relationship with him and i don't wanna let it go. right now... he's my everything... but i don't know how long it will last before his ex gets to him.... or my insecurities get a hold of me and i just break down. i don't know why i feel like this. but i know that if his ex DOES try to get back with him... WOOOOOOO there'll be blood on the floor and it sure as hell wont be mine. im willing to fight for my man.
ughhhhhhh yesterday? blahhhh.
Saturday. 3.15.08 10:55 am
watching: computer screen
listening to: mariah carey
grrrrrr. ok so yesterday... ughh. my gosh. so i woke up at 930am and started to get ready for work and it was exciting because i start work at 1130am right? but me and my brother had to go buy some cupcakes and drop them off at my little sisters school because it was her bday... sooo i get done at 1030am waiting for my friggin' lazy ass brother to finish getting ready, and he doesn't finish til friggin 1050am.. and i'm like yelling and screaming because we still have to drive to Fry's wait in line, buy the cupcakes then drive to the school and then get me to work... and the Fry's and the school are about 5 minutes away from each other but it still takes about 10 to get to the Fry's.
But THEN my friggin' brother take shis sweet ass time in BUYING the cupcakes and taking them to my little sisters classroom. WHAT THE FUCK. Mind you, we live about 35 minutes away from town, and we leave at 1118am so i am driving friggin 90mph weaving in and around through traffic and thankfully i txted my co-worker and told her i was gonna be late. And I get there at arounf 1140am whicho got me there in 20 minutes, because i'm amazingggg, and i know how to drive FAST but SAFE, at least i'm not stupid and taking super duper risks and stuff. I'm not retarded. And all the mean while, my friggin' brother is dancing in the car and blah dee blah not EVEN apologizing for making me late.... WHAT A DICK!!!!! Fuckin stupid.
Well, work was pretty exciting. I was kinda irritated but I got over it after I had some customers. I sold quite a bunch. It was exciting. Made like.... what 8 bucks in commission? ughhh laaaaame, but thats ok. But it was exciting. Then my friend came and we talked about life in general, about how our friend moved away for 2 years and moved back just so she can be with her girfriend... and their engaged... i honestly don't think its gonna work out... i mean they're already living with each other, and arent getting married for 3 years, it's not gonna work out. But whatevs, i just think they are caught up in the moment. And me and my friend made plans to go to this canyon that we went to when i was straight and i went out with her and we took pictures there, and we're gonna go back and take pictures again. I think it's gonna be hella exciting. =]]]. then we DROVE back to her house, picked up somestuff, and went to my house to see what was up with my sis party... well, it's 12 girls... prepubascent little girls running around causing hella ruckus... omfg, i almost shot myself. But we just ate, cleaned, went up stairs and watched Sweeney Todd, which is AN AMAZINGGGGGG MOVIE!!!!! You would most definitely love it =]]]]]l. Then she went home and went to sleeeeep. But anyways, now i'm awake and rushing this entry because i have to be at work innnnnnn..... 52 minutes? Lets seee if i make it.
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goddamn you adrian
Saturday. 7.19.08 8:43 pm
soooo basically today was blahhh. work work work. i got a stain on my shirt which isn't going away and its kinda pissing me off. but whatevs. i'm gonna go to this party tonight that Ivan invited me too and it's being hosted at this kids hizzouse or something like that but hopefully it'll be fun. but honestly, i could care less for it.
blahh. i havent talked to Nate all day. and i think he's mad at me. but i do know that he's chillin with his aunt or something. ah well. it's all good in the hood.
sooo i found out that i'm an overly jealous person. how? because i went to the midnight screening of The Dark Knight which was FUGGGGGGIN' amazing as shit and i loved it. =]. but i invited Ivan along with us and he sat next to Nate and then we all start talking and its a good old time... but then he starts txting him on my phone... then i take it back from him and i keep it for myself txting my other friends. and then he takes Ivans phone and then they have this coversation on his phone and im sitting there FUMING... like completely livid. but i'm like "whatever Adrian, just let it go. it doesn't matter. he's leaving in a couple of weeks so you wont have to be hung up on him for very long." and it TOTALLY sucks because i'm attached... he's i admit. i got attached to him, even though i said i am swearing off guys for a while... hypocritical Adrian went and got himself hung up on some guy who he met like a couple weeks ago whose moving back to NY in a week and a half.
like this is how hung up i am, im making him a scarf, a multi colored scarf, im throwing him a party next friday, i'm taking hella pix so that i could make him a scrapbook for when he goes back and stuff. like... how pathetic is that? but idon't really care. i wanna do it because thats what friends do... well thats what i do for MY friends because ilike to believe im a good friend. but he doesn't want me. i bet he doesn't even like me. but whatever, i told him since he was moving that i'll show him a good time. but lately i've just been cold and bitchy to him. which i totally regret because he prolly doesn't like me even more now. but whatever. i have good intentions for it but thats nnot really a good excuse, i should be a better friend and just hiding my feelings and just keeping to myself. but i can't. im a very complicated person and i realized that. i realized that i cant have a relationship and i wanna be alone. i kinda wish i didn't have feelings for anyone so i could go on living my life by myself. im young! im turning 19 August 1st and i have my whole life ahead of me. i just need to concentrate on the more important things than having a relationship with someone. and i want someone to punch me in the face if i get into another relationship within the next month. LITERALLY.
but a good friend isnt a bitch to their friends... thatsmore of enemies, and i wanna be far from an enemy. and i feel really guilty about it. =[. im so stupid. i wanna talk to him, but im afraid of what he'll say... maybe somethings are better left unsaid. but iknow that in my heart, he's leaving so soon and im gonna hate seeing him go and i know why i was being short, and bitchy, and cold to him... it's because i dont wanna say goodbye and i;m trying to unattach myself so that it wont hurt as bad when he leaves.... and thats terrible. i shouldn't be doing that. i should be spending as much time with him as i can and letting him have fun but i dont wanna say goodbye... i really dont.... it hurts too much to even think about it. jeezus adrian.
im gonna go finish making that scarf now.
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moving to texassss. =]
Saturday. 8.30.08 6:30 pm
Hey guys. So definitely, im moving to Fort Worth, Texas... my hometown, my birthplace, my roots. Im really excited to go, but im really scared too.
It all started a couple days ago when me and my mom got into this huge fight after she found out that I lost my ID card again. She cussed me out, telling me that I am irresponsible and I never help out around the house, that my job sucks, and other bullshit. she yelled at me about finding another job, and I told her that I've been looking and she had the nerve! To tell me the most hateful words someone could say to me, and it was like a big ol jab in the heart... did those words come from my mother? Did they really? .... fuckk, they did. And it just hurts that they did... a lot, and I think about it and it makes my stomach churn... ughh... then she told me that I should go move to Texas to my auntie Maribel in Houston and that she'd help me... and that I make it seem like I hate her and don't respect her because I don't listen to what she says and that I give her like a devilish look. But I don't hate her, like at all, if fact, I love my mom with all my heart, she gave me life, she provided for me, she could've left me with my dad back in Guam but she put a roof over my head, and I could never thank her enough.
But in my defense, I know I give a mean mug, but that's just me, and I listen loud and clear, but I just don't wanna listen to some bullshit if its all just gonna be about how I can't survive unless I have my parents or unless I join the military... just because my dad and my step dad were in it, like what makes you think id want to join it? Yeah, its gonna be a lot of money and they'll pay for my school and ill have a job and blah blah blah, but what I really want to be is happy, and will joining the military make me happy? I don't know, and I don't really wanna find out, its just not for me and I know it isn't.
And so I considered going to Texas, but not to Houston, right after me and my mom got into that huge fight. I called my cousin over there and talked to them about it and they loved the idea, they said they would help me find a job, introduce me to new people, help me redirect my life.
I thought about it a lot, and I found out that... my mom is right. I live in a kinda small town, where im familiar with everything and everyone, with a jank ass job, and there's not very many places tofind a job here either. School is a pain, and will always be a pain, I know a lot of the people, and it just... lemme see, ok... lemme put it this way... I feel like, im so familiar with this place that I just don't care about things, and I know ways to get by, and im not progressing in life. I feel like a slacker, and its not a good feeling. =[. And I feel like if I get pushed into a situation where I need to do stuff on my own, ill stuggle, but ill do it, and ill get by.
And you know, it might not work out over at Texas, and I talked to my parents about it, and they said that I could come back. We actually took the time to talk it through. And im glad I did. I really wanna make it on my own, and I think Texas will help me through it... I really hope so. I really hope I find solace, and myself and love in Texas.
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