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i hope you find someone new, because i'm not the one for you
Saturday. 10.25.08 6:22 pm
I can feel the hot Arizona air, turning to a cold winter breeze.... And I FUCKING HATE IT!!!

Anyways, times are harder than ever for this last month and a half that Iím here. Saving up money is DEFINITELY proving to be harder than ever. Staying out of a relationship is proving to be easier than I thought. And moving away from my friends is gonna be the hardest thing im gonna be going through.

Anyways, as most of you people know, I cut my hair. Its like... the shortest its EVER been... ever. Its so crazy and I also forget that I cut it until I like run my hand over my head, or look in the mirror... its achange, but its a good one. And I felt like I needed it. Lol. Plus, my hair will grow evenly all over, lol. Its so crazy! I just cut my hair like... a week or 2 ago, and its already starting to grow back. Haha. Wow. And im excited for my black hair. Im sick of dying it, lol.

Im starting to get a more healthier... lifestyle. Well trying to at least. I can start to look as good as I want. Im starting to eat more and stop looking so damn skinny. Eating 3 times a day, trying to pick more healthier substitutes for food, lol. Hopefully that'll work for me, but is a really hard process, especially when your trying to save money. Being healthy can definitely get expensive. So that by the time I move, ill be sexy as ever. Or at least by January =D. But I really wanna look amazing for Halloween for my Aladdin costume. Lol. Jank huh? But I totally finished it and it looks amazing. I cant wait to wear it next Saturday for the Halloween party. W00t w00t.

Friendships are harder to maintain nowadays. I haven't made up with Tiffany. And in a way, I miss her, but in another way, its probably better. I really don't think we can repair our friendship like it was before. Not now anyways. I just feel like I can see her in the same light anymore. Whatever. Some people are starting to piss me off more now. Its like, Iím so done with your immaturity, your lies, your trash talking, your unreliability, YOU. It just sucks. But I guess its a good thing Iím moving, to get away from that. But no one can replace the few AMAZING friends that I have: Rochelle, Cheri, Jennifer, Alyse, Mathew, Chris, Chris, and Sierra. Those are down ass people. And I love them all. But really, friendship is such a hard thing to come by nowadays.
Relationships are harder. Especially with the trust issues I have. Or should I say, too much trust and trusting too early. I realized that I have a trust problem. Its not really a problem with trusting people, its more a problem of I trust them too much. Then I FREAK out on what should I care about, should I care about this, or that, or am I getting myself into something I shouldn't, or blah blah blah, and it just... frustrates me! You know? Its not something I can just look over but its the way I think. And I guess I just need to tone it down a little bit. =/.

Idk, but that way I feel... I guess. I honestly hate it. I really do, and Iíd much rather be alone in life than have my trust issues. But I do so I have to live with it. I mean I cant help the way I feel, you know. If you donít like it, well, you donít have to. Iím not gonna change my whole being for someone whom I THINK I might have a chance with because you never know whats gonna happen in the future. All you can do really is hope. Itís a very fickle thing, I think. And I really like having a companion, a partner in crime, a clyde to my bonnie, a peanut butter to my jelly, and banana to my nut loaf and so on. I really donít like it when people are being shady to me. And it makes it harder if your in a different state because you really donít know whats going on. You can really start to like someone but not really know who the real person is until youíve met them. And it really sucks not knowing who they are because they can be as fake as a press ons. Or hair extensions, unless your like Cheri whose extensions are FABUOUS and amazing. =]. But really I need to stop talking to boys altogether and focus on moving and getting a job. Because a boy cant get me either. I think that I wanna be single for a while when I get there. I mean, I wont know anyone, so its not like id be talking to guys all the time. Idk. Who knows, I might find love there. But in my heart, I know I wanna be alone for a while. But thatís just me saying it, I donít know if Iíll be able to keep my word about it but I really hope I do. Thatíd be most beneficial.

Iím definitely trying to save up some money. And its not going so well. But on Friday, ill have had some things paid off and so I won't have to spend as much on things. Or not spend any money at all. I've
been bringing lunches to work, so that I don't spend money at this damn food court. Saving money AND less empty calories, big plus. =D. Jennifer has been in England for 2 weeks and I've been taking up her hrs and good golly its a lot. I worked 48 hrs last week. =/. Hopefully ill have a big pay off this Friday and ill feel more relieved about my money situation... BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I CAN SPEND IT ON UNNECESSARY THINGS! And that's what I need to keep telling myself. And definitely my boss has quit his job just a couple days ago and so im hoping to get a lot of hours these last 3 weeks. I would really like to save up at LEAST $1,000 - $2,000 for my move. Hopefully that'll be enough, you know?

I also really hate it when people talk politics with me, like, I know my shit, I know the candidates and what they do and the pros and cons about both, I don't need you to educate me about things. I have my own mind. I hate it when my friends go and start saying shit on McCain and Palin. Shit, I like them, YOU don't have to. I don't need to hear about their bullshit, I already know. You think that just because I support them means I look at all the good things and then I don't look at their bad assets? No. Iím not stupid. I do know their faults, and I know Obama's faults and forte's too. I definitely don't need education on that, so
SHUT THE FUCK UP. I like who I like and you can't change that. You can't please everyone!
On that note, donít comment me about politics. I have my opinions, you have yours, Iím not trying to piss anyone off. Iíve already lost a lot of friends because of it.
XOXO Gossip Girl.
Haha jk,

Adrey

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my one true love
Saturday. 3.28.09 12:59 pm
i don't remember how many times i've written about love... but i feel like this will be this wont be the last time...

what is love? i have no idea. but to me, i think it's when you know that your comfortable with this person your with, and that you could see yourself living with this person and that your life will be BETTER with this person in the future, through thick and thin. day and night. love and lust. i haven't felt love from someone other than my family in a very long time, and i'm beginning to miss it. but the thing is is that i don't just wanna jump into something that i don't know what's gonna come out of it, you know?

i would like to date. i would like to confide into someone intimately. i would love to cuddle with someone on a dreary day like today. i would like to someone to go running with me in the mornings or at night. i would love to have late night talks and fooling around. i would love for my family to have dinner with this person and be happy for me. i would love to have simple romantic nights, and i would love to have super romantic nights. i would love to be in love. but i don't wanna be in love with the fact of being in love. i want the real thing.

is that weird?

i know, i ask that question a lot, but really. someone my age wants to be in love. i'm not saying i wanna find it now, but eventually. it'll come to me when it comes to me, but i guess i'm just lonely. yeah, i have friends and what-not but they are just friends. i want a spark. i want someone whom i wanna see everyday, who wants to see me everyday. who'll lay in my arms while i sing them to sleep. who will accept me for who i am. whom i can trust and be honest with. who i will accept for who they are. who will listen to me cry and bitch and moan. who i can listen to them bitch and moan. who'll laugh at my un-comical jokes and participate in my families crazy antics and i can in his. i want a guy whose mine, as i am his.

sometimes i think that i'm gonna be alone forever... only because society these days, it seems like everyone is in a relationship, just to be in a relationship, or they're just out for sex. sometimes i just feel like i think differently about things than... most people. and when i talk to people about it, they always say that... blahhh, blah blah your too young to be in love, enjoy being young, blah blah blah. but to me, that just makes me mad. because they don't KNOW the way i feel.

i really HATE boasting about myself... i don't like to put myself over others, and saying i'm better than others, because I'M NOT. i know i'm not better than you. all i can do is be better than the person i was before... but what i do know is that i have a big heart, but i FEEL (not KNOW) i FEEL like i'm too mature for my age. is that arrogant of me to say? i hope not. but really... i feel that way. i haven't met someone who has the same views as me or anything like that. i haven't met someone who would level me out, and bring me down to my 19 year old side. yes, i do have it, but i constantly think about the future and what it may hold and how i'm living and how what i do now, is going to affect me later. i can be immature... when i'm around the right people. and it makes me crazy. i just hope a lot of the things i've done in the past don't haunt me in the future. even they might, i'm trying to prepare for that day. soooooo as you can see. a lot goes through my tiny little head. which sucks, but i can't change the way i feel.

it's so difficult.

okay i'm done with that little tangent.

i think this has inspired me to write a new song. not very many things inspire me i think because i'm a difficult person. it takes a while for things to come to me and i feel like now, something has. like, i don't write a lot of songs, because i'm not inspired too. and when i am, it turns out great, and i'm like... how the hell did i write this song because this isn't something i would really play or sing. it's a like a little baton of musicality that conducts me until i come out with a song.

when did this blog about romance and relationships turn into a blog about music? lol.

i guess, music will always be my one true love.

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