PORNO!?!?!?

Omfg people, ok. So i was deifnitely watching the Tyra Banks show today. And it was an episode on people who became porn stars without their consent A.K.A. their jank ass exes put up nude pics or vids of them having sex for blackmail. GOOOOD JOBBB. And I was very intrigued by these stories. One ruined a girls life, she went to rehab, dropped outta school, became a stripper and some other stuff and the same went for some other girls too. But anyways, what i have to say to people....

is that if I'M gonna go and make a sex tape with my boyfriend... which I doubt I ever will, i wanna make that shit look like a movie. Like a feature movie, put it up on WIndows Movie Maker, add a menu and some deleted scenes and have a movie. There's gonna be production on it, lighting, good filters, photoshop, dialogue... the entire works. I'ma make it like a porno... except... like a good movie. Fuck that nasty nightvision and janked up cam holding crap. There's gonna be a stand holding that camera or someone there. I don't even care. But that's IF I ever do one of those... which is likely to NOT happen.... hopefully....

but also, if i'ma make it... I'M keeping it damnit... putting it in a safe over in my bank so that NO ONE can get their hands on it. or if someone does... i'ma put a copyright thingy on there so i get the money for it. fuckkk. if it goes out... might as well get money for it right?

jeeezus people.

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Ok so last night me and my boyfriend were in my friends neightborhood just chillin and stuff in my car in front of this persons house. And omfgggg we started doing some orchestral maneuvers in the dark and things got heated... but soon after that... the persons house that we were parked in front of? ..... yeah... they came home... and we were butt naked. And he started walking toward my car! So I hopped into the front seat and drove off before he could get to my car. Jeeeezus, so we park somewhere else and do more orchestral movements in the dark for a bit when THE SAME GUY circles around the block we were parked at about 3 times before he pulls up to us slowly then goes onto a driveway and preceeds to do a 3-point turn... so he does it and AGAIN I hop into the front seat and sped off around the neighborhood.

So we go around the block and find out that there's only one way to get outta the neighborhood and he's waiting for us so I speed up and pass him, and he follows us!!! ALL THE WAY AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AND ALL THE WAY DOWN TO I-10 TO I-19 WHERE WE FINALLY LOST HIM!!!!

Sad thing is. I have to housesit for the friend we were parked across the street from. >.<. so i know that ima get confronted somehow. =[.

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i don't remember how many times i've written about love... but i feel like this will be this wont be the last time...

what is love? i have no idea. but to me, i think it's when you know that your comfortable with this person your with, and that you could see yourself living with this person and that your life will be BETTER with this person in the future, through thick and thin. day and night. love and lust. i haven't felt love from someone other than my family in a very long time, and i'm beginning to miss it. but the thing is is that i don't just wanna jump into something that i don't know what's gonna come out of it, you know?

i would like to date. i would like to confide into someone intimately. i would love to cuddle with someone on a dreary day like today. i would like to someone to go running with me in the mornings or at night. i would love to have late night talks and fooling around. i would love for my family to have dinner with this person and be happy for me. i would love to have simple romantic nights, and i would love to have super romantic nights. i would love to be in love. but i don't wanna be in love with the fact of being in love. i want the real thing.

is that weird?

i know, i ask that question a lot, but really. someone my age wants to be in love. i'm not saying i wanna find it now, but eventually. it'll come to me when it comes to me, but i guess i'm just lonely. yeah, i have friends and what-not but they are just friends. i want a spark. i want someone whom i wanna see everyday, who wants to see me everyday. who'll lay in my arms while i sing them to sleep. who will accept me for who i am. whom i can trust and be honest with. who i will accept for who they are. who will listen to me cry and bitch and moan. who i can listen to them bitch and moan. who'll laugh at my un-comical jokes and participate in my families crazy antics and i can in his. i want a guy whose mine, as i am his.

sometimes i think that i'm gonna be alone forever... only because society these days, it seems like everyone is in a relationship, just to be in a relationship, or they're just out for sex. sometimes i just feel like i think differently about things than... most people. and when i talk to people about it, they always say that... blahhh, blah blah your too young to be in love, enjoy being young, blah blah blah. but to me, that just makes me mad. because they don't KNOW the way i feel.

i really HATE boasting about myself... i don't like to put myself over others, and saying i'm better than others, because I'M NOT. i know i'm not better than you. all i can do is be better than the person i was before... but what i do know is that i have a big heart, but i FEEL (not KNOW) i FEEL like i'm too mature for my age. is that arrogant of me to say? i hope not. but really... i feel that way. i haven't met someone who has the same views as me or anything like that. i haven't met someone who would level me out, and bring me down to my 19 year old side. yes, i do have it, but i constantly think about the future and what it may hold and how i'm living and how what i do now, is going to affect me later. i can be immature... when i'm around the right people. and it makes me crazy. i just hope a lot of the things i've done in the past don't haunt me in the future. even they might, i'm trying to prepare for that day. soooooo as you can see. a lot goes through my tiny little head. which sucks, but i can't change the way i feel.

it's so difficult.

okay i'm done with that little tangent.

i think this has inspired me to write a new song. not very many things inspire me i think because i'm a difficult person. it takes a while for things to come to me and i feel like now, something has. like, i don't write a lot of songs, because i'm not inspired too. and when i am, it turns out great, and i'm like... how the hell did i write this song because this isn't something i would really play or sing. it's a like a little baton of musicality that conducts me until i come out with a song.

when did this blog about romance and relationships turn into a blog about music? lol.

i guess, music will always be my one true love.

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hey guys,
so pretty much i'm new to this whole..... nutang.com thing. it's pretty rad right now.

i've been really excited pretty much this whole day because i've also put up a new myspace music page on myspace!!!!! it's pretty cool and i put up a song up so check it out. it is myspace.com/adreymcmazing[http://myspace.com/adreymcmazing]. hope you enjoy it.

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watching: computer screen
listening to: mariah carey
mood: ruhshhhhed

grrrrrr. ok so yesterday... ughh. my gosh. so i woke up at 930am and started to get ready for work and it was exciting because i start work at 1130am right? but me and my brother had to go buy some cupcakes and drop them off at my little sisters school because it was her bday... sooo i get done at 1030am waiting for my friggin' lazy ass brother to finish getting ready, and he doesn't finish til friggin 1050am.. and i'm like yelling and screaming because we still have to drive to Fry's wait in line, buy the cupcakes then drive to the school and then get me to work... and the Fry's and the school are about 5 minutes away from each other but it still takes about 10 to get to the Fry's.

But THEN my friggin' brother take shis sweet ass time in BUYING the cupcakes and taking them to my little sisters classroom. WHAT THE FUCK. Mind you, we live about 35 minutes away from town, and we leave at 1118am so i am driving friggin 90mph weaving in and around through traffic and thankfully i txted my co-worker and told her i was gonna be late. And I get there at arounf 1140am whicho got me there in 20 minutes, because i'm amazingggg, and i know how to drive FAST but SAFE, at least i'm not stupid and taking super duper risks and stuff. I'm not retarded. And all the mean while, my friggin' brother is dancing in the car and blah dee blah not EVEN apologizing for making me late.... WHAT A DICK!!!!! Fuckin stupid.

Well, work was pretty exciting. I was kinda irritated but I got over it after I had some customers. I sold quite a bunch. It was exciting. Made like.... what 8 bucks in commission? ughhh laaaaame, but thats ok. But it was exciting. Then my friend came and we talked about life in general, about how our friend moved away for 2 years and moved back just so she can be with her girfriend... and their engaged... i honestly don't think its gonna work out... i mean they're already living with each other, and arent getting married for 3 years, it's not gonna work out. But whatevs, i just think they are caught up in the moment. And me and my friend made plans to go to this canyon that we went to when i was straight and i went out with her and we took pictures there, and we're gonna go back and take pictures again. I think it's gonna be hella exciting. =]]]. then we DROVE back to her house, picked up somestuff, and went to my house to see what was up with my sis party... well, it's 12 girls... prepubascent little girls running around causing hella ruckus... omfg, i almost shot myself. But we just ate, cleaned, went up stairs and watched Sweeney Todd, which is AN AMAZINGGGGGG MOVIE!!!!! You would most definitely love it =]]]]]l. Then she went home and went to sleeeeep. But anyways, now i'm awake and rushing this entry because i have to be at work innnnnnn..... 52 minutes? Lets seee if i make it.

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soooo basically today was blahhh. work work work. i got a stain on my shirt which isn't going away and its kinda pissing me off. but whatevs. i'm gonna go to this party tonight that Ivan invited me too and it's being hosted at this kids hizzouse or something like that but hopefully it'll be fun. but honestly, i could care less for it.

blahh. i havent talked to Nate all day. and i think he's mad at me. but i do know that he's chillin with his aunt or something. ah well. it's all good in the hood.

sooo i found out that i'm an overly jealous person. how? because i went to the midnight screening of The Dark Knight which was FUGGGGGGIN' amazing as shit and i loved it. =]. but i invited Ivan along with us and he sat next to Nate and then we all start talking and its a good old time... but then he starts txting him on my phone... then i take it back from him and i keep it for myself txting my other friends. and then he takes Ivans phone and then they have this coversation on his phone and im sitting there FUMING... like completely livid. but i'm like "whatever Adrian, just let it go. it doesn't matter. he's leaving in a couple of weeks so you wont have to be hung up on him for very long." and it TOTALLY sucks because i'm attached... he's i admit. i got attached to him, even though i said i am swearing off guys for a while... hypocritical Adrian went and got himself hung up on some guy who he met like a couple weeks ago whose moving back to NY in a week and a half.

like this is how hung up i am, im making him a scarf, a multi colored scarf, im throwing him a party next friday, i'm taking hella pix so that i could make him a scrapbook for when he goes back and stuff. like... how pathetic is that? but idon't really care. i wanna do it because thats what friends do... well thats what i do for MY friends because ilike to believe im a good friend. but he doesn't want me. i bet he doesn't even like me. but whatever, i told him since he was moving that i'll show him a good time. but lately i've just been cold and bitchy to him. which i totally regret because he prolly doesn't like me even more now. but whatever. i have good intentions for it but thats nnot really a good excuse, i should be a better friend and just hiding my feelings and just keeping to myself. but i can't. im a very complicated person and i realized that. i realized that i cant have a relationship and i wanna be alone. i kinda wish i didn't have feelings for anyone so i could go on living my life by myself. im young! im turning 19 August 1st and i have my whole life ahead of me. i just need to concentrate on the more important things than having a relationship with someone. and i want someone to punch me in the face if i get into another relationship within the next month. LITERALLY.

but a good friend isnt a bitch to their friends... thatsmore of enemies, and i wanna be far from an enemy. and i feel really guilty about it. =[. im so stupid. i wanna talk to him, but im afraid of what he'll say... maybe somethings are better left unsaid. but iknow that in my heart, he's leaving so soon and im gonna hate seeing him go and i know why i was being short, and bitchy, and cold to him... it's because i dont wanna say goodbye and i;m trying to unattach myself so that it wont hurt as bad when he leaves.... and thats terrible. i shouldn't be doing that. i should be spending as much time with him as i can and letting him have fun but i dont wanna say goodbye... i really dont.... it hurts too much to even think about it. jeezus adrian.

im gonna go finish making that scarf now.

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