Thursday. 7.22.10 4:51 pm
Not much going on. Things have taken a turning point for Tyler. I want things to go back to normal, but I know that won't happen. However, I am pleased to know this unfortunate event will not change future plans.
Moving on, my daughter is the best baby in the world. I love her dearly and wouldn't change anything about her. She is a day shy of 8 months, and getting bigger by the day. She still doesn't have too much hair, but it'll grow over time. My little Khloe Bell :) I thank God every night for blessing me, and giving me such a beautiful little girl.
I'm watching Sherlock Holmes right now. From what I've gathered it seems like a pretty good movie. I might watch it again later tonight. My mind is too unfocused to really get into the movie fully.
As I've said, or implied, in the past several entries I miss Tyler greatly. It will be another couple of weeks before I can see him again, and the days seem to drag on. Every time I get to see him it's like a checking point towards our goal of marraige. After this upcoming weekend trip to see him, it'll be a month or more untill the next visit.
I have reasoned with my mind that there is no point of stressing how much I miss him and the fact I rarely get to see him. This is how it will be for now and I need to get over it. We are young, and have the rest of our lives to spend together. These next 5 months will be difficult, but I know with a proper mind set it doesn't have to be tragic and depressing. Although apart, my love continues to grow stronger for him every day. In time things will come together.
Say Yes to the Dress
Tuesday. 7.20.10 11:37 am
I will be leaving soon to try on dresses :)
I am flooded with excitement and I feel a little nervous. I wish Tyler could be here... but at the same time I don't want him to see me in the dress. He'll have to wait untill the wedding. I just miss him. I'm planning on getting a short dress. I think it will be a little more apropriate for an outdoor setting. However, I could change my mind. One thing I know for sure is I'm definately NOT wearing a Cinderella type ball gown. That's a little too fancy for me. Not to mention I don't think my height would support that look. Shopping is never fun when you 6 ft tall lol
After dress hunting it's off to Cheesecake Factory! :D
Then maybe some trivia time down at the 3 Sisters Cafe.
Good times. :)
Found an amazing dress. Cheesecake Factory turned into Olive Garden, which is my favorite resturant anyway :) A lot got done today. I can't wait untill we're finally married :) I'm going to be off to trivia soon. Ta Ta for now
A dream away
Saturday. 7.17.10 12:21 am
I hate my mind
And the fighting it brings within itself
why cause doubt
Why try and bring me down
The happiness is darkened
Black and white suddenly becomes gray
But what if I'm not strong enough
What if it takes over
I have no regrets
Yet the fighting never stops
It wants to bring me down
I want it to go away
Another sleepless night ahead
Just another fight...
You're only a dream away
But I can't sleep without you
Why am I like this?
I don't understand
I can paint a memory
But they only last for so long
I can write an image
But I'll only lock it in the back of my mind
Left on a shelf to collect dust with the others
Reality is setting in
Yet I find myself sifting through files to find something
A written image to calm the insanity
I'm running into a wall at full force
No image or painting can mask reality anymore
This is it
It's right here in front of me
I want to run like always
But I'm going to stand my ground
I'll break through this wall
I will overcome
Fight if you will
I'm fighting back now
I will win this battle
I don't need to hide anymore
You're only a dream away....
I was afraid
Tuesday. 7.13.10 6:44 pm
Every relationship I've ever been in has always been like "I miss you!" blah blah "I love you" blah blah blah.
I feel like I'm crazy. I don't know how to handle these emotions. This is what I was afraid of all these years. My stomach is twisting into a knot and my heart aches. I miss him so much it's overwhelming. I've never felt this way for anyone. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him in my life. I can't see myself with any other man. I can't imagine a future without him. I think about him all day, and when I get to see him again (which may not be for another 3 weeks)
This is why I went through hell. I learned so much about myself and I've become a stronger person. Being in an abusive relationship opened my eyes to a new world of empowerment. I've learned to stand my ground and not let anyone or anything tear me down. But, this feeling is picking me to peices. Bit by bit I am slowly falling apart. God is really testing my strength now. I want to break down, but I remember what He taught me through my life experiences and I hold my head high.
I love this man unconditionally. I never thought being in love wold be this overwhelming. Don't get me wrong, it's an amazing feeling. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I just want to start things now. I hate being apart from him. If I had the option to drop everything and leave everything I've ever known and move away with my daughter I would. I will do anything for him. Sometimes I feel that he doesn't understand how much I am completely crazy in love with him. It's almost to much to understand myself.
He asks me why I never told him I loved him all these years. Why I kept it a secret even though I knew he loved me too. I've told him so many different reasons why I wouldn't tell him. Every story is different then the last. But, the honest truth as to why I never told him... I was afraid to fall in love. Becuase I know once you fall there's no turning back. If something happened and I lost him or we didn't work out I don't know what I'd do with myself. I'm a wreck now because I can't see him as often as I'd like. I can't comprehend what life would be like without him.
I've gone completely insane >.<
Floating and Falling
Thursday. 7.8.10 4:40 pm
Ever feel like you're floating on a cloud... and suddenly fall through and hit the ground with more force than you can bare?
I'm falling apart (are you happy?)
I feel like a failure
I went from having what I needed in hell and unhappy
To having what I want and happy without what I need
I need what I want
And I know in time everything will be ok
I'm just stuck in this mental rut
I can't climb out on my own
I need my love with me
I can't do this on my own
Wednesday. 7.7.10 10:43 am
This weekend was amazing. Spending it with friends and family and just having a good time. Something unexpected happened..
It's a good thing. With this symbol of commitment I look forward to the future. Next step.. Happiness :)
The 4th was a crazy evening. Fireworks and home made contraptions.. lol there was never a dull moment. Every day was a new adventure this weekend, and there was never a disapointment.
Unfortunately the time came where everyone had to go home. Now, I sit and think of the good times. However, I cannot dwell on this memories to keep me happy for long. Now we have something much bigger ahead. More memories are in store for us to look back on and laugh.
Next step... Happiness :)
The longest day EVER
Friday. 7.2.10 3:44 pm
This morning dragged out forever.. Now today is never ending..
Late tonight the man of my dreams will be here. It just seems as though this never ending day will never end! This weekend is going to be amazing :)
So... I continue to sit through this never ending day... >.< Time needs to speed up!
Tuesday. 6.29.10 2:21 pm
Could today have gone any better???
To my complete and utter surprise he was served. I do have one worry, and that is if he doesn't show up for court. but even then... I'm not too concered. This injunction is for domestic violence. The bigger issues are to come... >.<
Bring it on :)
As for my future plans, I know what I want and know where I'm going with my life. I just pray these court situations do not complicate my future plans. Either way nothing can break my love for this man (Not biological baby daddy). Our history together is going on 8 years. Now, God has brought us back together and I couldn't be more happy :)
My airplane may have been shot down.. But I can pick up the peices and build a new one :)
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