it's difficult to change things that are out of your control. i wish i could, but everyone's stuck in their comfort zones. can i break that pattern and keep it that way? how can i get what i want? what do i want anyway? i just can't sit here and wait for the answers to magically appear to me anymore.

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was what i did bad? how come my friend feels worse than i do. it is both our faults, but it doesn't bother me as much as it should. i guess i see it as another bad mistake i made. we all make mistakes, but how come when i make one, everyone makes a big deal out if it? i guess it's because i'm the quiet nice one, and everyone expects me to behave. i hate that. why do people see me like that? how come no one expects me to screw up? i guess these people don't really know me all that well. it's because of my shyness, i'm afaid to speak up. i'm afraid people won't care or won't like what i say. how come i get caught for things other people can get away with? this was a wrong choice something to learn from. i just hope the person we did it to doesn't think ill of me, i'm not a bad person, i just screwed up. why with most of the stupid things i do, i don't think it through. but how are you suppose to? you just get caught up in the moment and go with the flow. why can't i think in pressured situations? i guess i'm just stupid. but after this, after all this ends, i hope everyone forgets. there are worse things that could've happened. this just seems big because my friend and i are good people. in the big picture this doesn't matter, but in our small world it does. i've screwed up before and people helped me. i don't why people like me when they hardly know me. maybe i should try to get out of this shell, try to be better, but it's hard when you've been like this for so long. it was a mistake, a screw up, bad judgement, a wrong decision. who cares, i just don't want people to think i'm a bad person, i messed up. i wonder what it'll be like from now on.

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today is the day i return from break, but i don't want to go to school yet. i think i'll skip out on the first three periods. i dunno, hopefully my parents won't find out. i still got to go to work though . . . damn.

i just want to waste time watching life pass me by . . .

so lazy . . .

everything feels so pointless right now.

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new year's resoultion: to be a better person.

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