i just do

why can't i seem to get over my petty jealousy?

I need to move on. seriously . . .

kjsld; lks df lsjdf gd l;dgs aslkf!!!!!!!!!!!!!

counting the days till it all ends

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sometimes, no all time, i wish i could go back on what i said, what i did. i would change everything, to make it better. but would it really do any good? to live life with many regrets, it's not a good way to live. there are somethings i don't regret, but they seem so few and far between. is there a reason i feel so unhappy? what can explain it? i wish i could get rid of all my insecurities. why does it seem like everyone else is happy. i know this is not the case, but sometimes, when you look at people they seem so content with their life. i've never felt that. we, as a society want more, need more, we can't just be happy. why? it's as if there is a void, a hole that can't be covered. we dig ourselves into a pit we can never climb out of. hope. a word i haven't used in awhile. i gotta have hope and determination, it's the only way things will get better. lord help me out of this rut. i hope i'm not making a big deal out of little things again. but i always feel that the little things matter. i dunno i just want to feel like i belong somewhere, like people really care about me. but at the same time i feel like i'm taking things for granted or not taking full advantage of what's given to me. i hate self-realization. sometimes i wanna believe that he likes me, like how i use to like him. but i don't like him in that way anymore, so i guess its no loss. it's something i can't get over. i guess because things didn't turn out the way i wanted them to. they never do. but its these little things like, working on a project with me, but i guess its because we like the same things. here i go again overanalyzing. i need someone to tell me its no big deal. what's past is past. at least your still friends. why do people get so hung up on love? i know i don't have a crush on him anymore, but sometimes i get these fleeting emotions. they quickly appear then fade away. i keep hope that one day, i'll meet the one. he isn't the one. no, but at least i've had so sort of experience in that department. let's face it, my love life and my social life sucks. i guess it's because lots of my friends work often or have strick parents. i hardly ever go out. i try to make plans, but they always fall through. the only way i can really hang out with my friends is thru school activities. which isn't so bad, at least we get sometime. but now, with senior year more than halfway thru, what'll we do when graduation comes? i don't want to not see these people ever again, or at the 10 year reunion. i want to stay in contact with them. these people i've meet ,for the first time, i really appreciate them, even those i hate. maybe i just don't want high school to end. maybe, i finally found myself.

edit: or maybe i'm just really stupid . . .

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boys are stupid

. . . and hard to get over

i wish i could find someone, he might be right under my nose, but i could never think of my guy friends as more than friends

when will i stop feeling like everything i do is meaningless?

on another note, i'm totally digging the magic numbers right now

so many thoughts . . .

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life is complicated, but it'll get better . . . i hope . . .

maybe it's not as big a deal as i make it out to be . . .

when will i get my moment of enlightenment, of clarity?

i dunno we'll see . . .

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random thoughts currently in my mind:

i think my teacher is still mad at me, but i don't like her either, i know she's young, but still a teacher should be more mature and not make fun of their students. sometimes the things she says are uncalled for.

what the hell am i gonna do with my life? i can't stay here. i don't want to feel like i lived my life in one place, that my be fine for some people, but not for me. there is so much in this world, so much to explore. how could anyone be satisfied staying in one place?

but more importantly, how am i gonna achieve that goal. i can't stay here, there's nothing for me here, no real reason to stay. sure all my family and friends are here, but i feel i need to experience life outside of this comfort zone. i think that's what its all about. i guess i feel that i can grow as a person if i'm put in uncomfortable situations. i want to improve myself. for my sake, i better change.

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where can i get the motivation to change?

guess i gotta start w/ little baby steps first.

but where to begin??

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