Music: Josh Groban : You Are Loved (Don't Give Up).

Okay time for another update. For one thing, I need new music. I know this song will probably sound sappy to some people, but I think it's really pretty.

As for everything else...

Things are... better. Not ideal, but better. We're still both going to be really busy for the next few weeks, but hopefully we'll have someone hired and trained in less than a month. Hopefully.

Things between me and Jenn are better too. Still not the way I want them to be, but love is about compromise. Even if I don't always feel it I do know she loves me. If only by seeing how readily she puts up with all my shit and how willing she is to make this relationship work.

Things are still frustrating sometimes, though. Like the fact that every time we fight it somehow ends up being my fault. Or the fact that, even though I repeatedly tell her otherwise, she thinks that every time I talk to her about something that's bothering me about our relationship I expect her to fix it. Which isn't the case. Usually I just need to talk it out with someone I care about who I feel understands me, and then I feel better. She's getting better at it, though. One day at a time.

God I wish we could move. I hate being here so much. Her needing to be friends with this other guy would be so much easier to deal with if I didn't know about it. If I could just trick myself into believing that she's just working late. Or at the very least if we were living somewhere where there's a ready supply of distractions. (Vegas will be perfect for that.)

I told her that I'm okay with it, but the truth is there's a part of me that will never understand why I'm not enough for her. Why she doesn't look forward to seeing me. Why she doesn't want to be around me as much as I want her around. She says these things, but even though I love her and trust her, there's a part of me that never believes. Actions speak louder than words, and if she really looked forward to seeing me she wouldn't need to make me wait a half hour so she could talk to some guy that doesn't give a shit about her.

Eventually I'll learn to ignore that part of me, but it will always be there. I'm always going to have a little voice trying to tell me everything that's wrong with me, or with my relationship. It's just one of the scars that someone like me, who has a nasty habit of falling in love with people that don't really care about you, carries the rest of their lives.

I do love Jenn for putting up with it this long, but I'm really going to have to shove the voice in a closet from now on, because I think she's reaching her limit.

It's just a hard thing to do. Give up on all the expectations you had for a relationship. These are things that I've thought about since I was 14. Since I first realized that I had reached a place most guys only get to in their 20's, and some never get to at all. The only thing I've ever known that I wanted from my future was that I wanted to be in a relationship. That I wanted to be in love. To be married, to have a family. Nothing else about my future was ever clear.

And whenever I thought about that future I always imagined being with someone who would, unlike anyone else, want me around all the time. Or at least as much as I wanted them around. Someone who didn't need anyone else but me to feel whole and normal. I can understand Jenn's need to feel like an individual, but I don't think she really understands the kind of relationship I imagined when I was young. I never wanted to be with a clone, or with someone exactly like me. I wanted to be in a relationship where we were both individuals. But individuals who need each other.

Isn't part of love reaching a point where you can't live without the other person? Isn't that normal? Or am I just deluding myself? Will she ever feel that way about me? If she doesn't, does that mean that she hasn't really fully given her heart to me? And if so, is it fear that stops her? Or will she just never need me?

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God life just sucks right now. Everything is so screwed up and there's nothing I can fucking do about it.

We're so short handed at the front desk that Jenn is still going to be working 7 day weeks. And apparently the girl that used to be working that had to go out on sick leave isn't coming back. So not only do we have to wait another month probably to hire a new person, but it's gonna be another few weeks after that before we can even use them because we'll have to train them.

This busy cycle is already putting a strain on our relationship and now it's probably going to last for another two months. Not that it bothers Jenn in the least. She doesn't seem to be bothered by anything. As long as she gets to take her walks and spend time alone she could care less how little time we get to spend together.

I'm apparently the only one in this relationship who's bothered by the fact that we only get to see each other for a few hours a day. Sometimes not even that. Sometimes we only get to see each other in the half hour transition while we're changing shifts. I'm the only one who's bothered by the fact that, even though we're supposed to be in love and have been together for over a year, we only get to have sex once a fucking month. That's not normal! And it's not like I'm sex crazed or anything. Sex actually means something to me and it would be nice to have sex with the only person that really makes me feel like having sex more than once every 30 fucking days.

It's so fucking frustrating. It hurts and it's pissing me off because I don't know what to do. I love her and I don't want to leave her but at the same time she's pissing me off. It's like our relationship doesn't mean anything to her.

I don't doubt that she enjoys being with me, but most of the time I feel like it doesn't matter to her one way or the other if we're together or not. Even when I'm with her it feels like we're always doing something else or she's thinking about something else. Like she never even gives me a second thought. I know she has a lot on her mind but how can she claim to be in love with me if she barely thinks about me?

I think about her all the time. Even when I'm working. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm crazy about her and most of the time I feel like she just... likes me a lot and that's all. She says she loves me but I'm honestly beginning to wonder just what the hell that means to her. I'd honestly like to know.

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