Ups and downs and whatnot. That's the extent of my life at the moment - one big mood swing. I get happy, then sad, but at least Emerald still does stuff that makes me happy.

Now that that's done with, I'll get to my week. In PE, we're playing this awesome game called Speedball. I won't get into the details because I don't understand them myself, but it's really awesome. It makes PE worthwhile. I get the crap beaten out of me every game we play... and I end up getting some accidental shots in on other people also. If you've never played it, you're missing out on some good fun... note I didn't say clean.

I hit that "caring about someone else more than myself" point again, so my grades have taken a lovely dive. At least they drop in symmetry.

I'm still kind of afraid of Casey after what she did, but we had a conversation... which I don't think helped her case with me at all. She really didn't give any hint that she was sorry at all. I realize that if I were to shun her completely, though, that I'd be doing to her exactly what I can't stand to be done to me so that's out. But, on a sidenote, I'm rather sure I would have gone for it were I the me of a year and a half ago today. It's a scary thought for me now, having changed so much in that time.

David is supposed to show me a hot guy friend of his sometime, also. It should be... interesting to meet him.

Well, that's about it. I don't want to think too much and depress myself again.

Later, DS
~ Hard work is for people short on talent.

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Yes, yes. Happy Thanksgiving or whatever. If you aren't celebrating it, you should. If there's no way you're going to do anything, have a fun with your break from school. I've got a whole lot of nothing to do today, but I won't bore you by making up details.

^{START - Stuff you probably don't want to read:}...I guess I'll just bore you with other details of my life. My attitude toward the Emerald situation is rather taxing. (Basically, I'm crushing the intangible...) That's all I'm going to say about that, though. Otherwise, life is pretty stagnant. Seriously. The most thought-provoking thing I've done all morning is eat an Altoid. I should probably go have a really deep conversation with someone... Maybe later.

It's weird. People have been really nice to me lately. Well, if I had to define weird, I'd say it's just plain creepy. I mean, on Friday, I was basically mobbed every time I took my earbuds out of my ears. First Daisy, then Angel, then Angelina, then Jacki, then Allison, and the list goes on. I found that good incentive to go hide out by the locker room and pretend to be busy. Coincidentally, I'm afraid to open my locker because of all the stuff said people have been shoving into it... Although the Crunch bar was pretty good. I'm still puzzled as to how whoever it was fit it in without breaking it, though... As I said. Things are creepy. _{END - Stuff you probably don't want to read.}

Y'know. I just got to thinking. I'm sure everyone has something to be thankful for, even if they think their life can't get any worse. If you really had no hopes or dreams and nothing positive ever happened to you, you wouldn't be here - alive that is. I don't know how anyone can say that there's nothing in the world that can help cheer them up. What about someone's care? Someone's love? There are a million possibilities and one has to fit. I obviously find happiness through my dreams and what I can do for people; I do so without even trying. So everyone has something whether it be on the surface or buried deep inside... You only need to work a little to find what you think is lost because it's really just around the corner, waiting to brighten your day.

Later, DS
~ "How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live." - Henry Thoreau

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Not being able to hear out of one ear for the entire day is kind of annoying. I was literally three feet away from someone without being able to understand what they were saying. I got home and called the doctor's office and he said that I have normal symptoms. Normal symptoms of what, I have no idea - I could be dying for all I know.

Also, yesterday, I was at Casey's house since I finally decided to stop being an ass to her and around six o'clock, I decided to take a nap. Unfortunately, said nap turned into a... thirteen hour sleep. She apparently tried to wake me up, but I didn't, so I ended up spending the night... and waking up in an odd room that I'd never seen before... and I'd rather not go into more detail. But anyway, it was pretty annoying. I got absolutely no homework done, save my French (but I did that in class). And I had a hell of a time getting something to Emerald also - I even forgot to say what I meant to.

Well... that was a random jumble of thoughts. Penguin!

Later, DS
~ (1/2)m(v)² = mgh

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Yes, it's finals week. They give us too much time for them, so I've resorted to playing games on my calculator to fill the empty time... well, I read a bit too, but that's my main waste of time. I haven't studied for anything since I really don't care how shitty my grades are at the moment. I'm too tired to care. Physics, which I'm taking the final for tomorrow, is probably the only thing I feel like I need to study for, but I don't want to. There are too many distractions.

I can think of multitudes of things I could do to occupy my time instead of studying, there's: listening to music, thinking of someone special, playing this really fun japanese fighting game I pirated yesterday, reading, fiddling with my calculator, playing instruments, sleeping, and many other forms of procrastination (such as this).

I forgot taking a shower. Je vais aller prendre une douche. Feeling clean on the last day of finals will have a good effect on me... hopefully. Of course I can't see why it's any different than any other shower I've taken this week, but it should be... At least I won't scare people away with anything but my ugliness.

Later, DS
~ One day Dad asked me to go fishing with him. I got scared. I had the feeling he was going to try to drown me. I don't know why I thought that, because so far he had never tried to kill me. But he had never taken me fishing either, so I was suspicious. When we got to the lake, he walked right up to it. "Hey, son, come here," he said. "Look at these minnows." "Nice try, Dad - if that's your real name!" I yelled. Then I ran back to the car and locked myself in. Dad never took me fishing again. So I think that proves my case.

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Yes, I'm back in Track. I really, really hate it now. Mr. McMullin is the main reason for my newfound hate. I've run two "warmups" in two days that've killed me beyond all comprehension. The first day, we ran five miles with drills breaking it into three and two miles segments. And today he decided to have us start out with a ten minute run... that turned into a fifteen minute run, so he killed my stamina as I did just over two miles. Then we started drills, which were sprints. Those were fine. But after each set of sprints, we had to run another lap. We had seven sets. For non-tracky people, that's a mile and three quarters... But an enitre lap after sprinting your brains out sucks. But, no, that's not it. When I finished my run, he had the nerve to come up to me and ask me to join cross-country. I swear, if I hadn't been about to collapse and had legs that felt like anything better than Jello that I would have punched him.

Also, I think I'm in pretty good shape considering the circumstances. At least I can force myself to go through with the workouts he's been giving... But I know I'm going to be sore as hell tomorrow. I seriously woke up a few minutes ago and I could not keep my legs from shaking as I walked to the kitchen. Hating track has never been so easy.

My new math teacher is pretty damn retarded. She went around to check homework and the first thing she asked when she saw mine was, "Whose is this?" When I explained that my handwriting can look rather girly, she asked, "Well, this looks like an answer sheet that I'd make. Where'd you get it?" I was getting sort of angry, so I tried to explain that I highlight things so it's easier to check so what's she do? She takes my paper out of my binder and says she's going to ask my other teachers if I make a habit out of cheating and lying about it. Being incredibly pissed, I walked over to her, took my paper, and stared. She got a really sour look on her face, went to her desk, and started writing something.

Lastly, and the subject which is most on my mind, I had an extremely depressing dream about Emerald last night. It was one of those dreams where you wake up and cry about it. Which I did. For quite a long time, in fact. From four, when I woke up depressed by what I'd "seen", until about five thirty. Of course, there were times of heavier crying than some, but it was pretty constant, if not entirely. I was going to tell her, but I had a feeling she wouldn't want to hear it... plus I wanted to say something that was inspired by said dream, but I didn't want her to get upset. I should've sat with her, though... I've been yelling at myself for that all day...

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A friend of mine and I have been talking about my Emerald situation... I don't think it's been helping, though. I'm still afraid of dozens of things. The worst part of it all, though, is that I'm afraid to think to hard about the general situation. I felt positively shitty a few nights ago when I read a single, mosty likely friendly comment, on her weblog because I pondered it for too long. As far as I'm concerned, digging a hole and hauling up would keep me from all of this and I could sit there, trying to remember all of the crazy things I've done, looking on them fondly, and then inevitably drowning when it rains and the hole fills with water. That's the problem with my plan. There's something else besides me and the hole. Emerald. I can't very well let the love I have drown me, I should be protecting it from the very same myself. That is to say, I feel like I should be doing something for her to make sure she's alright. I realize I've sort of been doing that anyway... but after that dream I had... I'm none too sure what I'd do if something were to happen, but I'm fairly certain my life would come to a halt. Not that it would have to slow very much. The entire world is spinning past my eyes. I can't say I'm not tired of it, but I've made the choice to be loyal to this cause and I'm not backing out of it. To be honest, I can't even really think of abandoning it.

So many people have tried to pull me out of this; to set me on a new track of sorts... Why can't people understand that I know I've fallen in love? Why can't they just see that I'm not kidding myself, that I've walked into my light, into her light? A light, a love, that warms me deep inside.

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