lifes gay, sometimes i dont even wanna think about it. i suppose now would be one of those times. stupid family responisbilities that shouldnt even be yours. friends youve lost over the years and everything thats changing which you try so desperately to keep still so as to maintain some constant in this shithole known as life. well fuck it.. it doesnt mend... no one can ever fix it and nothing for me ever seems to actually change for the better. the only good that happens is just something that creates an offguard moment in which you can be hurt more thoroughly. life just doesnt better itself and pain doesnt seem to mend.. what can i say anymore...

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but heres a new entry. going home was pretty good. it was great to see mag, and kris and josh again. i hadnt seen the harpers in so long i missed them so bad, and like dogs grown up so much. we had a good time just going around doing stupid shit or even nothin much at all.. me and look hung out and i bought her junk food to stash in her room, and then we did all the barn chores. it felt good to be back but it makes up here feel all the more out of place. i hate not fitting in rite, and i hate not being home....

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mid winter vacation began here last friday so ive got the next whole week off. thats pretty nice and so far its turned out mostly good, so thats a decent start, but tomorrow its outa here by 9:30 for a long car ride that i really dont feel like taking. oh well... what can i say. itll all be worth it in the end.

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god i hate valentines day.. today was more tolerable than they have been inthe past, but i still hate the holiday. its stupid and shouldnt have been invented. the only people its good for is hallmark and florists. ungrateful girls sit and complain that their boyfriends didnt get them anything or even enough, when they never intended on getting their boy something anyways. its ridiculous. i cant stand people like that. if you really care about someone it should be shown in your everyday actions. you shouldnt need some lame holiday to express the way you feel.

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yesterday was so boring... i hate having nothing to do. my sisters both left to go do shit and my grandparents came up to visit with my mom and dad. it pisses me off when my dad tries to act like such a good father when company are here but otherwise hes just stupid and doesnt know shit about anything because work is his home and hes never here. he thinks he can jump in as the strong father figure just like that, but hes wrong. i hate it and i cant look up to him like that. also i was going to hang out with randi or adam, but randi left with other people too early for me to go and adam went to hang out with other friends, so seeing as im a loser and those are the only people i hang out with, i was screwed for plans. it didnt help matters any that i had to listen to my grandpa talk for almost a half hour on how im the biggest loser and out of everyone in my family i am the least successful. he was making fun of the fact that i have no one... he didnt have to fucking move! fuck everyone....

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i couldnt sleep so i read the entire 400 page excorcist book last nite... and i still had time to wast... blah

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