- Don't eat anything that's served to you from a window
unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili.

Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?


- Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards.


- If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of
your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.


- Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much
men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.


- There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.


- Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the Social Security crisis.


- The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf
grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh,
you're a huge asshole.


- I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.


- Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in
it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're
not spiritual. You're just high.


- Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


- I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry
for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


- If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.



- and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
mint like I just had sex with George Cloony. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want
to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.


- When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


- If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a
job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce
or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
saying" Do you want fries with that?"

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Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is thatthey don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see ifanyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of thescreen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have thefirst 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic andyou turn around to go and get it .

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting yourcoffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward thismessage.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 onthis list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

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Math test for Surrey High schools

NAME: NICK-NAME:

GANG:

1. Sandhar has half a kilo of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Ranjit>for $300 and 90 grams to Avtar for $90 a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Tyrone pimps 3 whores. If the price is $40 a trick, how many tricks>per day must each whore perform to support Tyrone's $500 a day crack habit?

3. Lo Ping wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for $7,000 to make 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Tony got 6 years for murder. He also received $350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends $33,100 per month, how much money will be left when gets out?

(Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Tony get for killing the bitch that spent his money?)

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Kwok steals Hareem's skateboard. As Kwok skates away at a speed of 35 kph, Hareem loads his brother's piece. If it takes Hareem 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Kwok have traveled when he gets whacked?

Comment! (3) | Recommend! | Categories: Funny [t], Humor [t], Joke [t], Test [t], Surrey [t]