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blah213
Age. 35
Gender. Male
Ethnicity. Asian
Location West Coast, Canada, Canada
School. Univ of British Columbia
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68 Best things to do at a department store...
Wednesday. 11.22.06 1:41 am
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins. 18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."
52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.
54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."
58. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
59. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
60.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
61.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
62.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
63.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
64. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerpleshere?"
66. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!

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This Page Used to be Blank
Saturday. 11.11.06 3:03 pm
This page used to be blank. It’s not hard to believe – all pages are blank at some stage of their existence. Some pages are doomed to stay blank forever, but it’s not my place to judge them for their decisions. If they wish to remain blank, who am I to impose writing upon them?

But this page isn’t blank. Not anymore. This page is slowly being filled with words, like the ears of a lover are oft poured full of whispered niceties, insistent urgings and warm feelings… as the words appear, they are gifts, like the touch of a lover’s fingers on bare skin on a warm summers night, as a breeze flows through the open window and the room is filled with the scent of fresh limes and sound of soft murmurs… The communication of the writer and the page - two lovers, whispering in the dark.

The words, of course, are dowries, promises of commitment – replete with wrapping and bows, they remain. What’s said cannot be unsaid. What’s written must remain written. Not even god could come up with ‘ctrl-z’ – nor should a writer ever dream or dare to delete. The words should just come from whence they are bidden… flow from the mind to the fingers, to arrive and dress the page for polite company, resplendent in Sunday’s finest.

I’ll take a sip of my Nestea – the last of the fresh lemony taste is gone, it's essence bobbing quietly within the can, as the dawn of autumn’s cold arrives through my open windows. This page used to be blank, you know… but it’s becoming less and less so.

It’s a task, you see – a calling. A talent is a gift from the universe – it must be used. We should never become slaves to our abilities, but nor should we ever turn our backs upon them. Like drugs, danger and angry drunks, our ever-present aptitudes should be embraced and faced head on.

My task is simple. To change the world I live in, one word at a time. And that’s why this page used to blank, but now it’s not. I choose to write. I choose to place my hands upon the keyboard and massage my message upon the page, kneading phraseology and tempting my vocabulary – plumb it’s depths to see what fantastic creatures emerge from its inky depths.

The words should lilt – the prose become poetry, the pentameter spastic rather than iambic, but the message remains the same. Like an earnest stage actor in costume, the paper now wears the idea – grateful for the chance to be a part of the change that lies within the turbulent air. One word at a time… and the happiness of creation becomes infectious. Viral – each sentence a contagion of joy.

To create such works fills me with a tangible, visceral sense of excitement – a falling joy. Vertiginous, my mind full of the butterflies that normally reside in my stomach. To write without thinking – to walk a tightrope with no net. To put words upon the page.

These words are mine to share with you – and yours to share with me. This moment, you may not remember in two days, but I will. I’ve given you the best gift that I can. I’ve crafted something from nothing – the laws that govern our universe say that this is impossible, but I beg to differ.

Gaze upon an empty page. Compare its stark, universal whiteness. Run your fingers across its skin, and let your fingertips revel not in its emptiness, but its potential.

Go. Now. Find a page and make it yours. Write, scribble, draw, paint, fold – create. Share with me the pleasure I get from this simple exercise. And when you’re done, hold your creation in your hands, and imagine the people with whom you can share it. Imagine their joy at receiving your gift of creation. Envisage the smiles, the caresses, the kisses… and think to yourself…

This page used to be blank.

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Police Horoscope
Saturday. 11.11.06 11:46 pm
Aries - March 21 to April 19
This week, you yearn for the strength to break free from your emotional cocoon and embark upon a journey of self discovery. But be warned - no matter how far you run, no matter how well you hide, if you make the mistake of running from the Baker County Sheriff's Department, you'll be making an altogether different kind of journey - a journey into the back seat of a police cruiser!


Taurus - April 19 to May 20
Busting through stop signs as if they were green lights, a sense of disaffection at work careens straight into your emotional meridian! As the heavy traffic of Rush Hour starts to kick in, Cops will have to work fast before this vague feeling of malaise snowballs into a full-scale catastrophe!


Gemini - May 20 to June 21
This week's scenario is highlighted by your ability to multitask and balance your act - a skill you're sorely in need of when these Georgia patrolmen administer the DUI test after you're clocked barrelling down the highway at ninety miles per! Later, it is discovered that not only were you driving at FIVE TIMES the legal limit... you were also high on a deadly cocktail of street-bought methamphetamines! Now these Virginia State Troopers have one less drug-crazed maniac to worry about, and you've learned an important lesson: You may try to evade the long arm of the law, but the further you run, the longer it gets!


Cancer - June 21 to July 22
Indecision, even when self-imposed, is not an easy place to be. You'll soon be faced with a choice of which way to turn. You can try the high way, the low way, or the freeway, but in the end you won't GET A-WAY from determined police officers!

And soon you'll be learning all about another place that isn't so easy to be - THE COUNTY JAIL!


Leo - July 22 to August 22
Lazy Leo, this week your horoscope is dominated by the need to take control and accept responsibility for your actions. But luckily, you'll have a lot of time to think about responsibility - BEHIND BARS!


Virgo - August 22 to September 23
One by one, the blocks in your path to self actualisation are being removed - though you may be a little in the dark as to what lies ahead for you. These Sheriff’s Deputies prefer it that way - it allows them to lay down Stinger spike strips in the path of your destructive rampage!

Moments later and the trap is sprung! Virgo speeds straight over the spike strips, popping all four tires! Running on rims only, with sparks flying rom the back of the vehicle like the tail of a comet, you have a moment of clarity, doing the first smart thing you’ve done all day, and surrendering to the police.


Libra - September 23 to October 23
An upsurge of magnetism in your personal and professional relationships will see an old flame return to your life, T-boning a tanker and showering the stolen SUV with pure gasoline! Only moments ago, cops were attempting to bring this renegade to justice - but now they fight to rescue the culprit from the twisted remains the vehicle before it goes up in flames!


Scorpio - October 23 to November 22
Careening the wrong way down this busy freeway, it’s only a matter of time before inspirational Mercury misjudges, and when it does, the results are terrifying - the sedan ricochets off the side of this eighteen-wheeler like a pinball! Just listen to the sound the car makes as it hits the central divider! Incredibly, he’s still conscious, and take off on foot into nearby woodlands. However, the suspect’s courage runs out when K-9 units are bought into hunt him down. This renegade celestial convergence took police on a blistering chase spanning three separate counties, but dedicated officers took the fugitive off the streets - and into a holding cell!


Sagittarius - November 22 to December 21
Things in the workplace will move swiftly, and the time between proposal and action may be refreshingly short - but not as short as THIS Sagittarius' temper when he refuses to accept the ticket and takes a wild swing at Officer Pendlebury!

It started as a twenty dollar fine for a cracked tail light, but because this HOTHEADED culprit couldn't keep his COOL, he's going down for felony assault! He'll have plenty of time to COOL OFF now - IN THE COOLER!


Capricorn - December 21 to January 20
Mars in your emotional house makes you a mess of conflicting wants and desires, spiralling out of control and fishtailing on this dusty, unpaved desert road. Unless you learn to control your impulses, it's only a matter of time before your worst fears become fender-crunching, tire-shredding, rim-rattling reality!


Aquarius - January 20 to Febuary 19
Boxed in by the cruisers, Saturn barrels wildly across the front lawn of your Relationship House, narrowly missing a pedestrian! This horoscope just turned serious. DEADLY serious!


Pisces - Feburary 19 to March 21
Amazingly nobody is killed, and you survive to stand trial.

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You know you're living in 2007 when...
Friday. 3.2.07 5:54 pm
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is thatthey don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see ifanyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of thescreen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have thefirst 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic andyou turn around to go and get it .

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting yourcoffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward thismessage.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 onthis list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

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Surrey Math Test...
Friday. 3.2.07 5:56 pm
Math test for Surrey High schools

NAME: NICK-NAME:

GANG:

1. Sandhar has half a kilo of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Ranjit>for $300 and 90 grams to Avtar for $90 a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Tyrone pimps 3 whores. If the price is $40 a trick, how many tricks>per day must each whore perform to support Tyrone's $500 a day crack habit?

3. Lo Ping wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for $7,000 to make 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Tony got 6 years for murder. He also received $350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends $33,100 per month, how much money will be left when gets out?

(Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Tony get for killing the bitch that spent his money?)

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Kwok steals Hareem's skateboard. As Kwok skates away at a speed of 35 kph, Hareem loads his brother's piece. If it takes Hareem 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Kwok have traveled when he gets whacked?

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