- Don't eat anything that's served to you from a window
unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili.

Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?


- Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards.


- If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of
your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.


- Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much
men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.


- There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.


- Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the Social Security crisis.


- The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf
grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh,
you're a huge asshole.


- I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.


- Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in
it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're
not spiritual. You're just high.


- Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


- I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry
for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


- If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.



- and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
mint like I just had sex with George Cloony. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want
to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.


- When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


- If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a
job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce
or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
saying" Do you want fries with that?"

Categories: Funny [t], Joke [t], Satire [t]

lmfao
totally awesome
» middaymoon on 2006-11-13 08:27:57

Are golfers athletes?
» Dilated on 2006-11-14 07:34:05

Man.
Where the hell do you hide these ideas of yours? xD

Its no wonder you're in Theatre with those kinds of ideas. :P
» InsaneFishy on 2006-11-14 08:57:57

Isn't this from Bill Mauer, the HBO guy?
» Dilated on 2006-11-15 08:44:39

actually,
the babies are "recorded" in months because pregnancy is measured in weeks, which almost directly go into months. Months-years is a bit harder though. so, they actually have an excuse. The rest, however, is still awesome.
» middaymoon on 2007-02-13 05:59:42

I expected it to contain... critter...
» Zanzibar on 2007-02-15 10:48:47

lol.. how the hell
did you get this?
» lykfe on 2007-02-21 03:46:09

i'm three years late, but this is one of the funniest fuckin' things i've ever read. i don't care where it came from.
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