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Hate.
Friday. 3.30.07 5:50 pm
So, I suppose some stuff has happened to me.

I've recently accquired a second job so now my free time is close to nill. I work at HEB as a bagger and at one of the local movie theaters as an usher. The work is alright, it's physical....it's not 'oh my word, I can't do this I need out' .... but it is physical. In fact, I think from all the walking around; lifting of soda boxes, and bringing in of carts, I've actually lost weight. However, I was late twice to my job at HEB . Once, because I had a spider bite that was starting to look unhealthy so i went to the Doctor and secondly, because I hadn't realized the schedule had been released and I didn't know I worked. However, that was enough to get me written up on account of tardiness and now, if i'm late again...I lose my job. Go.Me.

As for my home?
Well, things could be better. One of the main things that's really keeping me going is the fact that I know I leave in 4 weeks. I feel as if I should feel bad about leaving my brother here, but I don't. He's a good strong kid - he'll do fine. Besides, I won't always be there for him, he's gotta learn sooner or later. This whole semester has been stupid. Eh, it hasn't been stupid - I've been stupid. In so many ways it's....well, i'd say ubelievable, but it's probably not to those who know me. I simply hesitated, pondered and was scared for too long. See, one of the things that I didn't mention in my last entry was that my parents didn't know I was going to New Orleans. I stupidly wanted it to be a secret. Well, as what usually happens with me and secrets - the truth came out. My friend Elessar257 had TOLD me to tell my parents. Did I listen? Nope. Why? Cause I'm stupid. So, now my parents are off the charts upset at me. They have every right to be. So, yea. I should have just told 'em I was leaving. I should feel more guilty for what I did - but the only thing I feel bad/guilty about is not telling them. I don't regret going, though I do wish some things had gone better. So, in my parents eyes - I'm skating on thin ice. To cap things off? I realized just right now that I may have lost 2 of my paychecks. I was trying to look for a reciept my parents wanted for their taxes last saturday and in the process of cleaning out my car....I may have thrown them away. Brilliant, aren't I? oh yea. It's a wonder people don't trust me with more reesponsibility. Seriously. When I go into work (@ 6) tonight I have to go ask if they can put a stop payment on the check and if I can somehow recover them. To which, I'm pretty sure I can.

The only thing that makes me feel at all better about myself, is church. I count down days 'till Sunday so that I can go to service. Then I stick around until everyone is gone (even though I know only a handful of people there) simply because I don't want it to end. I'm getting baptised on Sunday. I'm uber excited about it. Through a few conversations and a few lesons I've really begun to understand the concept that God loves me. That God LOVES....me. Which at the same time is humbling, and a real confidence booster. One of the main reasons I was so excited about it was because my parents were going to go. Now, they're not sure they can. My dad's surgery on Monday is early early in the morning, and my baptism is in the evening on Sunday. It's dissappointing sure - but I can't say I blame them. Not to mention, I'm not so sure they want to go. I wouldn't want them to if it was simply a 'because they have to' sort of thing. I don't want to force anyone, ya know? In any case, I'll have a few friends who have decided they're going for sure, and either way, my brother will be there. As long as my brother is there - it's all gravy. I love that kid.

These past two weeks I've had alot to chew over and reasses. I've been on the emotional rollercoaster and I want off. I'm tired of being indecisive, retardedly emotional, and thoughtless (when it counts). I've grown weary of quite a few things and the only one who can change 'em is me. So...here I am. Ready to make change. Changing, in fact. It's hard going and I tend to (obviously) make certain relapses, but the change is occuring. Is it weird to say that I think i'm changing back into the person I used to be? I hadn't realized that I had changed that much from out of High School - but apperently...I had, and that change wasn't good. Who I was in High School? Psh, I was awesome. I was confident, I was graceful, I was a dancer, I was smart, and athletic, I was always surrounded by people who loved me, and I had a (metaphorical) set of balls that rivaled anyone I knew/know. Then, somehow...I grew meek. I've grown quiet, scared, and I doubt myself at every turn. And, I hate it. I've never needed anyone's approval before, why the heck should I need it now? Not to mention, now that God is on my side in all of this? Aint no one in the 'verse that could stop me. No one. I want to be me again.

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*sigh*
Thursday. 3.29.07 10:04 am
It's been awhile since last I've updated.

Alot's happened, and at the exact same time...nothing's happened. There isn't anything grand and marvelous for me to write about. No adventures or dreams, no events of intrest or even events of non-intrest. I've been working. Alot. Between that, chores around the house, my family, and my friends....I haven't had alot of opprotunity for much.

I guess this isn't exactly a good update. I want to do this right and therefore this is my pre-update update. This weekend (probably Sunday) I shall update.

oh! About my Dad...It's a long story, that I still haven't written about, but on Monday (the 2nd) he's going to be going into surgery again so that they can remove the cancerous kidney. He's worried, and a little scared - which are odd emotions on my father. So, prayers would be welcome. Very welcome.

Sunday. A better update on Sunday.

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Spring Break 2007
Sunday. 3.18.07 7:15 pm
"Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrong doing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean"
-Aldous Huxley


(btw: the friend I went on this whole thing with is Elessar257 and you can read his version over on his site)



THE DEPARTURE/THE ARRIVAL
So, a few months ago I made some plans with one of my best friends to go see his best friend in New Orleans. She's a senior at her University, she had a lead part in her play and he had never been to visit her before this. I kind of bullied my way in on the trip (for which I feel bad) but I don't think I was unwanted. We had tried to invite a few people - but people being people - didn't follow through. So, it was going to be just the two of us in New Orleans for a weekend during spring break. He also had some plans going on earlier in the week, mostly just to take his youth group camping. I also invited myself along on that, apparently - that's how I roll. I was looking forward to seeing everyone again and meeting the new youth leaders. I left Laredo around 3 in the afternoon and arrived in Fort Worth late that night. While we were visiting in his room I began to spaz. Why? Because I'm a girl and I have a terrible habit of freaking out about stupid stuff. I was just sitting in his chair under his bed when I began to feel extremely horrible about being up there having fun while my dad is in such bad shape in the hospital. I cried and went stupid for a few minuets however, after talking things through with both him and my brother, I calmed down and apologized for being retarded. We talked for a good while more and then went to sleep.


CAMPING: DAY 1/AND WE'RE OFF!
We woke up early that morning and began packing/loading stuff into my car - we then picked up about 8 kids and all their stuff. Needless to say things were a bit packed. When we finally got to the church we realized we needed more room so Aldo found some tarps that could be used to tie stuff down on top of the cars. Myself and another youth tied down the stuff on Aldo's Jeep (and he let us do our thing) while myself and one of the other leaders (Joseph) tied down the stuff on top of the van. I kept insisting that we use the clamps the way we had done on the jeep - but Joseph wanted nothing to do with them. He insisted that simply tying them down would be enough to hold it in place. I let him do his thing and finally a little later than we would have liked, we were off. About 20 minuets into the trip I notice the tarp on Aldo's jeep is coming a little undone, I asked him to pull over so that I could fix it, which we did. While we were fixing his tarp, we learned that the van's stuff had spilled out onto the highway. In the end we had to stop twice because of the van kept having to stop and pick up fallen items. This made us even more late.
Finally we got to camp and unloaded everything. We then find out that the guy who was in charge of the fire........had forgotten the lighter fluid....yea. Luckily, we were able to borrow some from our camping neighbors. Because of this however, we now had to wait about 3 hours to get the chicken going. We had some sandwiches inside the cabin but waited to serve those until we had all the chicken ready. After the kids had food in their stomachs we (the leaders, or at least Aldo and I) wanted to play an ice breaker of sorts. These kids while they knew each other didn't exactly hang out together. There were very apparent cliques and that was exactly what we didn't want. When we explained the game the kids were clearly less than enthusiastic, the other two leaders weren't exactly helping matters either. At the conclusion of the game we decided to send the kids to bed since the camp has a 10pm quite hour rule. To make sure that girls stayed on their side and boys on theirs, Aldo, Paul (a youth member) and I stayed up 'till about 3 am to guard the middle ground.


CAMPING: DAY 2/THE PERFECT STORM
I woke up late - and apparently - as a butterfly. Since we were out by the lake, it was a bit colder than I had anticipated so during the night I had crawled completely inside my sleeping bag. Aldo woke me up because he needed to get something out of my car....and because it was time to get up. Apparently, he had tried calling my name but that didn't exactly work so he kicked my feet. He said that I emerged from my sleeping bag like he imagined a caterpillar would. "Did you expect to wake up as a butterfly?" he asked as I tried to adjust my eyes to the light and make my brain comprehend what was going on and where I was. I gave him my car keys, took a shower, and had some breakfast. Hanging around for a little bit some of the kids decided they wanted to go hiking, while they were gone a couple of the youth, Aldo and myself made some water balloons and Selena (the other youth leader) made some lunch for the kids. When they got back we had a rousing meal of nachos and hot dogs - of which, I had seconds. Aldo then rounded up the kiddos for a game of kickball, to which I was referee (I had never played kickball before this, so it was odd being ref). During the middle of the game, it begins to drizzle, then rain in a cooling type of way....however about 10 minuets later there were literal sheets of rain pouring down on us, our stuff, the kids, and our firewood.

We got all the kids into one cabin and tried as best we could to keep the electrical stuff dry. I ran to the girls’ cabin to grab a sheet so that we could cover the fridges, but when I got back Aldo pulls me aside and says we have to go home. He had locked his keys inside his jeep. So, we took off. It took us longer than usual since there was so much rain. Once we finally got there he learned that his mom who had been sick when I got there had spent the previous night in the hospital because of some bad food over at McDonalds. He talked to her for a bit, then left to cash my paychecks. On the way back to camp he receives phone call after phone call from Selena asking him what to do. Should we go home? Should we stay? Where are you? How long will you be? Half the kids want to stay, half the kids want to go, what do you want to do? Between the both of us, he decides that it's best to go home. The kids are wet, some have no more clothes, the tents are a disaster and it's going to be even colder tonight because of the rain. When all is said and done, we finally left the camp around 11 o'clock at night. We stopped at a Taco Bell somewhere off of 35 to feed the kids and then made our way to the church. Selena and Joseph dropped off most of the kids while Aldo and I spent the night there with the remaining kids. We played sardines, took pictures, and slept. Sardines was hilarious, I was decent at hiding - but one time Aldo scared me pretty badly when he hid in one of the places I had hidden previously. Creepy kid jumping out from out of nowhere. There was also at one point a time when he was just about to be tagged (again...) when he screamed "NO!" and fell on the floor....it was pretty funny. I slept in the youth room with a majority of the kids while Aldo and a few others slept in the sanctuary.


THE NEXT DAY
After we all woke up we had breakfast and packed the kids up so that we could drop them off. One of the youth didn't want to go right away (Paul) so he stuck around with me while Aldo (after dropping kids off) stayed home with his mom. Paul and I went to Wal-Mart (where I bought 2 shirts that I'm uber happy with) and then went to Aldo's house to pick up the keys to the church so that we could bring the food which was going to rot (hamburger patties) back to his house. When I got there he tells me he's got a plan (which is always a good thing....usually). Instead, the youth who was with us, was going to mow the lawn while he and I picked up the food, brought it back to start a bbq in his backyard. It sounded like a swell plan to me so we put it into effect and took off to the church while Paul started mowing the lawn. Once the burgers were done we ate and hung out with his family. Paul was incredibly impressed at Aldo's composure with the screaming children that are his cousins. I got drafted into a war against mosquitoes by his two smallest cousins - which I played with gusto until I ran out of ammo (we had been using a small water gun to shoot the mosquitoes down). Soon afterwards he and I left to drop off Paul. On the way back we stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up turtle food and he bought the movie Eurotrip which we had wanted to watch before I left for Christmas break, but simply didn't have a chance. When we arrived at his house, I took a shower while he helped out a friend, and then we watched the movie. (which, btw was pretty funny. this isn't where I parked my car....)


A LATE DEPARTURE
I woke up around 10 o'clock the next day, took a shower and packed most if not all of my stuff. Once Aldo woke up he came over to the guest room where I was and we hung out for a bit. Ate breakfast, watched Judge Mathis, (it do what it do) and hung out for a little while. When his mom got home I left to go wash my car since it was pretty nasty from all the rain and mud it had gone through during the storm. In the late afternoon we went to half price books where I bought Angel Season 1 and he bought Angel Season 2 (I was excited). We also went to Pet Smart where he decided to let the turtle (which some of the youth and caught and he had adopted) go at the lake near his house. It was here I was sure I had made a mistake in coming because I could feel that all he wanted to do was push me off a rather steep and lofty cliff. We put in one of the discs he had of Angel and started to watch it - he got so frustrated with me at one point that he left the room. I being a genius and having nowhere else to go (since I left my apartment key in Laredo) stayed in the guest room trying desperately to stay out of his way. Finally, we left to New Orleans around 11 o'clock that night. It was pretty smooth sailing right up until we were supposed to switch from highway 49 to highway 10. I didn't think I had missed it, yet it seemed that we were going in the wrong direction. I being the absolutely amazing person that I am, hadn't brought along a state map....just a print out from yahoo which, while helpful wasn't enough. So, we stopped a few times to ask for directions/buy a map/gas up. Once we got our bearings, I fell asleep. Aldo was awesome and let me sleep most of the way there. We arrived in New Orleans around 9 in the morning and after a rousing game of "can you find a gas station before your car runs out of gas?" we checked into our hotel and slept.


NEW ORLEANS
When we were both awake and showered we took off towards the Loyola campus to meet up with his best friend Monica. As we drove down St. Charles Ave in the Garden District, Aldo was on the phone with Monica who informed us that they were shooting a movie across the street from campus so we should park in a residential area - which we did. We met her by 'touchdown Jesus' and it was one of the warmest greetings I'd ever had the honor to witness. She gave us a tour of the campus, and to top it off - we had crawfish. I hadn't had crawfish before, and so was a little weary...I tried it though, messy as anything - yet good! The potatoes and sausage that they had were *awesome* though. We went up to her dorm for a bit and then decided to go walk around the park across the street. We saw ducks, exchanged stories, sat on top of an outdoor theater, and trespassed a little bit - you know...the usual. Aldo and I were still hungry though so Monica showed us this amazing Greek restaurant which was....*sigh* awesome. Sshe needed to get ready for her performance though, so we walked back to my car and I drove her to her dorm/the theater. Aldo and I drove back to our hotel to drop off some left over food and change really quickly, then raced back to the theater, got our tickets and settled in for a show.
The show was; as far as I was concerned, very well done. I had a lot of fun watching it, and she made the best Morgan LaFey I had ever seen. Afterwards we walked her and her friend Andy back to their dorm where they could change and get ready while we went back to the hotel to eat a little/rest. Once the girls called us we took off back towards the University where we picked them up and took off to a comedy club. The comedy club was fun, some of the comedians were funny, some weren't that funny, and some were...not so funny...But I still had a brilliant time there. Once the club closed the 4 of us headed upstairs where we grabbed a game of Scatagories and played a couple rounds. Once we had had our fill of that (and they wanted to close up shop) we left back to the University where we dropped off Andy. The remaining 3 of us picked up some McDonald's and headed back to our hotel. We chatted it up for quite awhile (assigned Shakespearian monologues to one another and assigned each other into Hogwarts Houses) but finally 'hit the hay' somewhere around 2 in the morning.


THE TRIP BACK UP
We woke up fairly early that morning because Monica had a workshop that morning and a matinee performance of her play as well. Aldo dropped her off, came back and we checked out nearly right away. We then headed on down to the French Quarter to shop around. We parked in a parking garage where you had to go up a winding road and it made you pretty dizzy. We walked down St. Peter's, went inside a few stores, and then walked around Jackson Square a few times. There we decided to get our palms read, when i asked how much it was she said it would be twenty bucks - I simply couldn't afford that so I said 'no, thanks'. She looks over at Aldo and says...."we'll I'll read your palm for 5". *anger eyes* Sometimes that kid gets all the luck. We left soon afterwards. I drove most of the way back, conversation pretty much sucked - but the music was decent so huzzah for that. When we got into Fort Worth we got into a....well, I guess you could call it a fight - I'm not quite sure what it was - but we talked it through before we got to his house. We then said our goodbyes and I left.


THE RIDE HOME OF DOOM
So, before I left his house he had told me that I should feel free to call in case I get sleepy - since I was about to be on the road for another 8 hours, and would arrive in Laredo around 5 am. The drive home was, for the most part - uneventful. Then, I got to Mile Marker 31. 31 miles away from my house (give or take). I apparently closed my eyes because I opened them when my car started making that bumpy noise that happens when you start to drift too far to one side of the road. I flash open my eyes and realize that my front right tire is on the dirt and I'm veering off the road. So, I tap on the break to take my car off cruise control and lean the wheel to the left to get my car back onto the highway (I was on the left lane). My car begins to violently fishtail and before I know it....I'm spinning. I spun around 2 1/2 times only to stop in a ditch on the right side of the highway perpendicular to it, my headlights illuminating the road, tall uncut grass surrounding me on all sides. I didn't hit anything and the closest car to me was about a mile behind me. I sat there in my car for a few moments...then started to cry. I called Aldo and started to be a pansy on the phone.
Are you ok? Yes.
Is the car ok? Yes.
Can you get back on the highway? Yes.
How far are you from Laredo? About 15 min.
I got home and slept. There’s a dent on the right side of my car above my tire and a small scratch on the hood of my car. Need to get that looked at. I also need to get my breaks looked at since it sounds like my car is in incredible pain every time I use 'em. Clearly, Aldo's jeep was a horrible influence on my own means of transportation.


I was going to use this to update about my dad - but I figure this entry is long enough - I'll write about my dad a little later. To make a long story short though: He's out of the hospital - finally. He'll be home on Tuesday.

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CVICU
Tuesday. 3.6.07 5:30 pm
Well, my dad had his surgery yesterday.
My brother and I took off after church (which, my mother was upset that I attened) and arrived in San Antonio around 4.

They checked him into a Cardiovascular level of the hospital to keep a close eye on everything his heart does. He was in quite a bit of pain the whole time and couldn't lay flat for more than a few minuets at a time. He spent the night there and was scheduled to go into surgery at 6 in the morning.

My brother, mom and I went back to my grandma's house (who, FYI is in Veracruz, Mexico for spring break) and got what little shut eye we could. Woke up around 4 o'clock in the morning - got ready - and took off back to the hospital. We waited and waited until finally aorund 7 am they told us they were taking him into surgery. They took him in and we were in the wiating room when the Doctor himself comes to the door and asks to speak to mom. I couldn't hear much of what he was saying besides "I'm sorry". She comes back to my brother and I and informs us that there's too much fluid around his heart - they have to do a far more serious type of surgery. So, up we go back to his room. At 3 o'clock they tell us that the Dr. has arrived and they're taking him back down to surgery. We wait in a holding area type of deal, talk to the doctor for a little bit and they take him into surgery. After about 25 minuets we get word that it's over. We go up into the Cardio Vascular Intensive Care Unit for Post Op Recovery and go into to say 'hi' to my dad. He's lying on his stretcher with some sort of mask literally tied to his face, hoses are coming out of everywhere, and he has a needle sticking out of his neck. When he saw us walk in he reached out his hand to my mom and she started to cry. She leaned down to ask how he was and he said "don't get sick, it sucks". Every a joker - my father.

Well, it turns out that they took enough fluid out of father to fill up a 3 liter soda bottle. His heart had been incredibly erratic before he went in, but as we watched the line do a little dance across the monitor we realized that it was beating much better than what it had. So, this is good. However, they're fairly certain (how certain....not sure) that the fluid was cancer. That means it would have spread from his kidneys. We're not sure though, we're waiting for results.

I just got off the phone with my mom - he's in much better shape than what he was but hes still not good. As soon as he's ready, they'll be removing his left kidney. Aih - my father.....

And I woke up today feeling incredibly crappy. I have a fever and a really bad case of nausea.
Boo to this I say.

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