Went to Waves of Faith today. They had food . I heart food.

However, there was deffinately something....not there today. I realized what it was as some of the people were up on stage talking. I'm trying to find God - and you gotta believe me when I say that I'm honestly searching, but something's holding me back. I hadn't realized it until today. These people that I'm starting to sorta kinda get to know were up there talking about the first time they atteneded the church and about how they felt about it. That they were 'home' or that they cried when they finally realized it. The first time I went to Chi-Alpha I couldn't stop bawling. It was then I realized that I needed God back in my life. I haven't cried at Waves of Faith. I have however been hearing things. I've been making the connections from the sermon to my life, so that's gotta count for something right? Like today, my pamhlet was full of notes (and drawings, what can I say, I like to doodle) about things that were being said, quotes from the pastor, different bible verses, and examples of people in my life that those situations could relate to. So I'm getting the message - but is that enough? Today I saw a woman be re-baptised. The thought ran through my head if I were to be ever able to do that. I'm not sure. I feel like I'm doing this, and that it makes me happy - but that I have to do it in secret from those I love. Mom, Dad, Ed, Mel, varioius other friends - I mean certain ones know and are praying for me about it but these others I cant talk to about it for various reasons. Most wouldn't approve in one way or another - or wouldn't care, I'm not sure which is worse. It's almost as if I feel guilty about being there, as if I'm cheating (which is odd seeing as I have no idea what cheating is like seeing as I've never been in a relationship...). Is that odd? Am I just out of the loop fruity pebbles crazy here? All of this in a sense I guess makes me very shy. When I'm shy - I shut down. I'm assuming it's not a good thing to go all 'hermity' on God right? Maybe that's what it is. I guess all I'm saying is I just haven't had any real thunderbolt moments at WOF, if anything it's been more of a constant drizzle. The thunderbolts I have recieved have been over at XA. I haven't set in stone what it means yet - but I am open to suggestions.

Hung out with a really close friend all of today. It was honestly the most fun I've had in quite a long time. I haven't laughed that much in so long I can't even begin to remember. After church we went back to his house and talked to his mom for a little bit. I was all shades of happy because I basically understood what they were saying to each other (go me!). We took a mini trip down memory lane via music and fought over a song I wanted to listen to (I still think it was because he was sitting in a chair...*frustrated face* lol j/k). However, his jeep had died and I was helping him get a jump. So, since i'm not car-literate and just to make sure we wouldn't fry each others cars, I called dad to make sure that we were doing it right. Dad and I 'talked' for a few min. and he informed me that he wanted to 'speak' to me later on in the evening (never a happy occasion). I said ok and hung up the phone. Then I went all 'boo hooey' because I knew what that conversation was going to be like. The thought of that looming convsation hovered over me the rest of the day like....a bee hive. ( I would have said a rain cloud but I like rain clouds.) In the end we fixed his jeep, grabbed some food and talked about life and all it's intricasies. I started to go a little overboard in the emotional department because my brain started putting pieces together that I dont want to think about at the current moment, and before things could get worse - I bolted. *sigh* Not my proudest moment.

Called home when I got home (huh....look at that). Talked to Mom for a few minuets and then she passed the phone over to....him. We talked for about 15 min. The conversation was basically him telling me what a worthless, lazy, incompetent, unresponsible, reckless, careless, unthankful, ungrateful, horrible, stupid person I am while I responded with nothing but the words 'yes sir' and 'no sir'. Towards the end I think it thew him off more that I wasn't fighting back. He was pretty pissed. He also mentioned that I am by no means staying up here if I don't bring my grades up. I would have NO IDEA how I would do it....none, but I'm not going home. I'd have to work full time and...I don't even know - but there's no way he could stop me. I'm not going back home. He passed the phone back to mom who talked to me about how badly I need to get another job, but how I need to keep balance between that new job and school. I told her about the one over in Fort Worth and she said that that couldn't happen simply because of the wear on my car. She doesn't know I've been attending church down there every sunday for about a month (or going down for random visits either).

I know I wont end up sleeping and freaking out randomly after I see it - but, I have this horrible urge to see The Grudge 2. Of course there are a plethura of movies that I have on my list that I'm yet to see such as Kinky Boots, Finding comedy in the muslim world, Iron Jawed Angels, and The Sience of Sleep. Not to mention I can't wait for Marie Antoinette and Happy Feet to come out. I have high hopes for both these movies (more so for Happy Feet though).

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Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

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I love that song...

Do you ever feel like you're a roadblock? Am I alone in this? That every once in awhile you feel like you're the reason something didn't happen? That somehow, in some way you prevented something that should have happened from happening? And if that's so - then by whose hand did that happen? I mean, is that a question of free will? Did I choose to be this roadblock? Or is it more like I was placed here as a roadblock for some reason? If so, who put me here? Am I a good road block? Like a detour around a particularly bad peice of road? I mean, I've had some pretty good detours in my day (our roads back home and in the country side there aren't exactly up to speed). But then again...could I be a bad roadblock? Like when you really need to get somewhere fast and there's this detour that makes you inescapabely late and you miss whatever it was that you were supposed to get to? On another somewhat silimar note, sometimes I feel like I have a roadblock inside me. Well, I guess you could call it more of a wall. Recently friends have been coming to me with issues. Well, technically friends have ALWAYS come to me with issues - back in the day people I hardly ever talked to would come to me for advice. Why? I dunno - I mean it's not likeI have alot of experience in....well, anything really, but for whatever reason - they did. Anyway, they've been coming to me with issues and I honestly feel like I just can't find what anyone is looking for. Not even a soulution to their problem but a way to help them find it. I think it could be what Aldo said, it's just in a new situation, a new location you find out new stuff about you. I'm trying to figure me out and I don't know how, so since i'm a bit sketchy - everything I think and say is a bit sketchy. Do I even make sense? Why am I even thinking this at 2:30 in the morning?

If you're still reading this - I'm impressed.

In other news, I'm kind of miffed. So during work all this stuff apperently went down. Two very good friends of mine are having issues with 'relationships' and both were talking to me (via text message) about it. One is having lack of love issues, the other is overwhelemed by love coming at her from all sides.

I've said it before and I'll say it again....Pluto.

So after work I went out to Chili's with Amanda. I talked to Pri for a little bit on the drive home and talked her through her issue. I'm pretty sure I busted her bubble in a really big way, but I tend to do that alot with her. She has a HORRIBLE habit of cheating and while her current boyfriend i'm not particularly fond of - he's a good, loyal guy. She's already done wrong by him (in a HUUUUUUGE way) and he forgave and took her back. Now there's like 4 other guys that want to be with her and she's considering all of them. I think she basically just wanted me to tell her that it was 'ok' for her to talk to these guys. I told her it's not fair to them, it's not fair to her and it's beyond unfair to Joe. I'm sorry - that's just wrong. Not the point though. The point here is I went to Chili's with Amanda, she called Julia, we went back to Amanda's apartment and hung out. I love my girls - I really honestly do, but sometimes the stuff we talk about, their ideas and the way they view me kinda makes me a little mad/sad. Speaking of which, I found out today that one of my workers (soon to be ex-coworkers) does the same thing I do!! When she gets mad she cries and then it makes her sad that she's crying which leads to more crying which means WE BOTH HATE CRYING! I dont' think I've met another girl that has that same thing...it's nice to know you're not alone sometimes. Off topic. So yea, I mean they basically think i'm a dumbass. No I mean it literally they take the few things that I do and blow them up times 10 which is what all my friends back home do too. I mean, don't get me wrong - I'm a nerd, I'm clumsy, and sometimes I say things without thinking or in a way that could be misconstrued - I get it. But they turn EVERYTHING I say into something to laugh at or joke about. One day I'd like not to be laughed at so much. *shrug*

So today I told my friend that I'm a virgin. I dont' know why this has become such an issue with me recently. I mean, it's not like it's a NEW issue or anything...lol. I guess just because it's been brought up? I dunno. Anyway, when I told her that I hadn't even kissed a boy she was beyond shocked and was said "well, all we need to do is take you out, get you drunk and then you can just make out with the first guy you see". Yea, cause that sounds a)romantic b)plausable and c)a fun story to tell my kids when they finally ask when my first kiss was. I don't know, I guess I was expecting a different response than that. I don't know. I don't care. I mean, it's not like I have this HUGE issue with never being romantically linked to anyone. Don't get me wrong though, i'd LOVE to be, but I guess it's just since I don't know what i'm missing......I don't miss it. Eh.....What will be will be. Right?

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Today I got my 1 year pin for working at Cinemark.
Today I put in my 2 weeks notice.
*sigh*

It's not that I outright hated my job, or that I didn't like the people - I mean pay wasn't exactly amazing but I was living just fine off it. I just couldn't do it anymore. Not to mention I REALLY need to focus on studies right now. In a hardcore way. So I'm jobless at the current moment. In all honestly I'd like to stay this way for a little bit. I know I can't though. I'll start job hunting next week.

I also have a meeting scheduled with my advisor - Tuesday at 8:30 am. My first class isn't until 11 on that day. On the one hand, that means I deffinately won't be late right? lol.

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