Helena's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

and while I have some time.

I haven't really written in a very long time. Well, I haven't written on here. I have a little red notebook which has recently become the sanctuary for my thoughts. It's red binding providing a border to keep them in check, the lines blurring into nothing as my thoughts splatter across the pages like paint released violently from a....paint holding thing.

So, in a sense i suppose this has in recent months become somewhat supperficial and not at all what it once was. I have thought about backtracking and putting past entries of my notebook on here but the only person who would ever have need of reading those, has already read them.

Enough has happened to me within those months to cause changes. Drastic changes? Who knows. But they've been enough and they've been everywhere. With my parents, with my friends and with my heart and brain. Some are changes that I am terrified of, and others are long in coming.

Things that I've come to realize however? This is where I'm meant to be. For now. This isn't my destination. This place isn't where I'm going to stay. I don't know what is in me, but whatever it is knows that here is temporary. At the current moment I can't even plan for next month...that's how NOW i must learn to live. Perhaps this is a lesson that is long in coming. Perhaps this is something that I have to master before God allows me to move on. Knowing that both scares me and gives me hope. Just as galaxies make me feel tiny and huge at the same time. We just are what we are and that's all we can hope to be.

I'm sitting in his room and the toad's smoke is traveling up his window and circling the blinds. The sun allows me to see it's journey in a stunning clarity. Every once in awhile a cool breeze will blow through the open window and cause the incense smoke to leave via the window. It makes me wonder if this is similar to what i'm talking about. Perhaps all we are is smoke. Drifting out of a creepy frog (not so creepy...) and trying to stay inside a room. Some of us will reach the drapes and leave our scent embeded in the threads, while at other times a breeze will come and hurl most of the smoke out of the window while the bit that stays inside is blown assunder. Yet, as soon as there's a lull in the breeze it returns it's ever present struggle to the top of the window.

I don't know what it is i'm feeling anymore. It's not what it once was, but what it's changed into i'm not sure. I wish there was more to expand on, but right now that's as far as i'm allowing myself to delve into it. I'm not even sure I want to know where that leads. I wonder what it is i'm doing, and why i'm doing it. I don't know. I'm simply not sure. I stand on a precipice and i'm not only angry but am frightfully scared about it. Yet, I've placed myself here so I guess I shouldn't whine about it either way. Perhaps I expcet too much, or too little. I know that I am too forgiving. Too kind in my judgments. How does one grow when the punshing hit is always accompanied with a pat on the back? Why haven't I pushed anyone to do better? Is it perhaps because I don't believe they CAN do better? no. Is it perhaps because I don't think *I* could do any better? no. It's because i'm scared. Scared of hurting other people or scared of being judged to higher standards. I hate letting people down and I guess I feel like if i started pushing, people would push back. I'm worried I won't be able to stand my ground sufficiently.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being scared. Tired of not being appreciated. Tired of being looked over. Tired. Tired. Tired. I'm Tired of crying and i'm tired of lying. I want to be the person that God wants me to be, but I don't know who that is. I ask and I ask and yet nothing changes. I want and dream of so much but everything seems to be too high to attain or plainly impossible to attain. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to pretend that nothing exists. I want to lie down and rest and not worry about me or anyone else. I want everyone to be ok. I want alot for other people, even things that they themselves don't want for them. Where will that lead me? Striaght to disappointment. I should allow for things to happen. Some of it goes back to control. To free will. How much of it we have and wether or not it actually exists. *shrug* It's a conversation that i've conversation-ed to death. I guess I'm confused and i'm human and it's frustrating. It's neither unexpected or unforseen, but that makes it no less frustrating.

I don't even know what i'm exactly writing about anymore. When I write on a computer i'm able to keep up with my thoughts far better than on pen so i'm much more unfiltered online. Sorta. But, unfortunately, that also means that i'm much more abstract because I think very...abstractly circular. I'd probably write a whole entry trying to convince people that a square is in fact performs the same functions of a circle and therefore could be a circle and then try to tie that into something life~ish and just confuse everybody if I had enough time. Thankfully, I don't. And FYI I just made that up and won't actually try to debate that.

He's out of the shower now.

On an ending note, each of you should see Enchanted. Even if the movie makes me cry every single time I watch it. It's the best movie out there this year (so far). And I highly recommend it.

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