You Should Rule Venus

Venus is a mysterious, stormy planet - shrouded in a thick layer of clouds. You are perfect to rule Venus, because you are quite emotional and volatile yourself. Your emotions change as rapidly as the weather on Venus, and both you and the planet are incomprehensible to others. While you are not a logical thinker, you are quite empathetic. You can care for and understand others, but your emotions swirl too quickly to truly understand yourself.

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I'm going to write a swell entry

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I leave today.
I'll be back Sunday.
Home.

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If there was some way to remember that dream in detail I don't know if I would want to. Yet even as I groggily blinked my eyes and reached across my night stand for my glasses I could feel it slipping away; like fine sand pouring through my fingers, and I felt the urge to scream at it's loss.

Keeping a friend company
a pleasant walk through a busy street
children laughing
-a kiss on the cheek?
A new friend added to the mix?
A kitchen table rendezvous
Racing through moonlit streets
A familiar face
-a familiar hug
-a well known broken smile
Laughter apart
-a hug good morning
back where we started

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What is this feeling so sudden and new?
I felt the moment I laid eyes on you

my pulse is rushing
my head is reeling
my face is flushing

What is this feeling fervid as a flame?
Does is have a name?
YES!

loathing.
unadulterated loathing




Could it be that there's a point of hope? Some island in this ocean I've put myself in? A place of refuge from the storm? Is it too much to hope for? Too good to be true? We'll see one way or another.
Some friends from High School are coming into town this weekend. It'll be good to see my apartment filled with people and hopefully laughter. Of all the things in this world that I hate and fear - it's an empty house. Especially if it's my empty house.
I've been going to XA and I plan on going alot more. They seem like such good people, through and through. Of course looks can be decieving - but I'm willing to find out. I've been talking to them about some of my general problems, and Alot of them have been praying for me - it brings me some small measure of comfort. I noticed yesterday though, that I feel small when I'm around them. I'm dwarfed by them in so many ways that I feel completely inadequate. I think that's why I haven't been going as much as I said I would - or as much as I should.

I hate that I don't have anything to say.
I love words and yet they hate me.




"I wouldn't say that you're plain. I think a lot of your problems are rooted in your inexplicable desire to please people when you go out and do something. You don't need to be the smartest person or the most hard working or anything like that. You just need to do what you love to do independent of what anyone else thinks."
HOW?!

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All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain

And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane, It's not sane



So a few nights ago things got a little too much for me to handle. After I realized that everyone I could talk to was either busy or just not answering their phones I gave in and called my mom. I told her alot of what's been going on (not all of it, but enough) and I instantly felt so much better. See, I have this horrible habit of not being able to lie...some would think that's a good thing (and I suppose sometimes it's alright) but it can get annoying. In the end, after I talked to her I felt SO much better.



I just want someone to say to me oh,oh, oh, oh
I'll always be there when you wake yea, yea
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain



I also figured out why things have gotten harder to deal with. I've been lonely. I've never had many friends up here and recently they've all had their own things to do. This leaves me with going to class and simply returning to the solitary confienment of my apartment. It's not horrible, but in the end I believe I just need more human interaction than I thought. This is why I've been moody, bitchy, and a little depressed. To counteract this I've been making it a point to talk to my friends who live out of town on a more consistent basis. I'm also taking a trip down to Austin this weekend for a good friend's birthday. We're going to have dinner out on the lake and it's supposed to quite a to-do. All it'll cost me is my weekend and 50$ for gas there and back.



And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
escape......escape......escape......

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
ya don't like my point of view
ya think I'm insane
Its not sane......it's not sane.



I have my meeting with my advisor at 3 o'clock. I don't know where I'm at academically and everytime I let my mind wander to it my stomach still knots up a little bit. With the help of a really good friend however I'm starting to learn that worrying helps nothing. So I need to figure out where I stand, decide what needs to be done, talk to whomever I need to talk to, and believe that in the end (somehow...) things will be ok. I'm not scared - I'm just concerned for those around me.



I just want someone to say to me oh, oh, oh, oh
I'll always be there when you wake yea, yea
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

(I'll have it made
I'll have it made
You know we're really gonna, really gonna have it made
Gonna have it made
ahhh,ahhh, ahhh, ahhh)

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