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January 2020

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An actual entry!
Monday. 6.25.07 12:58 pm
I've been slightly vague in a few of my other entries.

My life. hmmm....where to start...I know!

Once upon a time....
lol, i'd like my life to start like that. In any case, things have been going well. Classes are where they should be for the most part. Linguistics i'm ashamed to say is starting to entice me, but this also means that i'm doing pretty dang well in it. Philosophy is still has my intrest in a death grip, but it's starting to hold on so tightly that i'm losing concioiusness. In other words, the class is starting to give me a headache. It's all very intresting and the points of discussion are incredibly thought provoking, but I'm just not that quick on my feet. I always think up things to say long after the fact, and thusly my participation in that class is usually limited to me frantically scurrying around my brain trying to put emotions into feelings and passionately taking notes. Astronomy is - as always - great. I have my first lab at the observatory tomorrow. I love stars. I always have, but through certain experiences and situations i've grown to really appreciate and love them even more.

Family is doing well. Not much to report there. My mom thought she was going to have to have surgery again (this time on her lower back) the MRI came back and they said it looks like they don't have to. My brother is still working and my dad is nearly fully recovered.

One of my best friends is supposed to be getting married this Saturday. But, I recieved a text message yesterday that said "My wedding is off until further notice". AND, this is the second time. They've only been engaged for a month. I don't know what happened. I don't blame her for growing distant, she's got other things on her mind, and i'm not in the place of importance I once was - it's as it should be. But, i'd at least like to know what's going on in the woman's life! When I told my mom about it she said that if the wedding is cancled, or something like that that I should just stay up here. We can't afford a trip down 'just because' right now. I'll be back probably before the start of Fall though.

Well, that seems to be most if not all of my life at the current moment - besides random facts (i.e. I have to take my car into the shop, I need to go get my contacts) that no one really cares that much about. So....yea.

Do you ever wonder what things would have been like? Or....we're like? For instance: I think in another life I was an explorere. An Adventuer. Someone who had people at their command and who took charge. Do you think dormant feelings are really dormant? Can they burst forth at any given moment? What causes them to be dormant? Is there some point in our life where we choose what feelings will be dominant? How do you know which is right or better? Is there even such a thing? If it's just different...well, then what's the point in wondering any of this? Do you ever wonder who you would have been had you choosen those other feelings? Does anyone else even know what i'm talking about? lol. I wonder where I would be if I hadn't changed. Who I would be and what my life would be like. Do you think there's purpose to it? Like those old RL Stein books that had 1,000 outcomes? One decision after another will affect the whole story. Decisons, situations, circumstances, logic, emotion....what's the point of all that stuff if it doesn't MEAN anything? Then again...nothing can mean nothing. So, it has to mean SOMETHING....but what? Will we ever know? Will I?
meh, this probably doesn't even make any sense. I'm being weird and ramble-y

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When all else fails:
Sunday. 6.24.07 12:19 am
you'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

this ring will me yet as will you knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss

and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

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Wednesday. 6.20.07 2:25 am

It was mine. I owned it.

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Someday We'll Know
Tuesday. 6.19.07 4:51 am
Haven't written in awhile.

I saw Pan's Labyrinth. Due mostly in part to Elessar257's incredible taste in movies and his uncanny understanding of me ('course, it helped that i've been wanting to see this movie with a passion for quite awhile). The movie was awesome. There's so much to that movie if you start to really think about it. I actually watched it twice in two days - well, the second time was the director's commentary. I never see movies with that option on - so...that's gotta say something.
Also, with Elessar's equally incredible knack for design he and I rearranged my apartment living room this weekend. I love it. Though, now it's basically a necessity to buy floor length deep red curtains. Eh, it's been needing to happen for awhile. Speaking of this weekend, there was a big stom in North Texas last night. I drove home through it. It was slightly scary for a tiny part of it - but.....it was more beautiful than anything. I'm not sure if it worries me or not but i'm really starting to see beauty in strange places. Then again, perhaps they aren't as strange as I've previously been lead to believe. It wouldn't be the first time.
I leave back to Laredo on the 28th of this month. One of my best friend is getting married. Of course, it's just a religous ceremony but I figure I ought to be there. My parents are unusually excited about me coming back for a short stay. It's a little weird. I'm not sure how long I'll be staying. I'm starting to debate on when i'm leaving for that matter.

It's late. I need sleep. I leave you with these lyrics:
(in case you'd like to hear it, it's track 2 on my music player)

90 miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later
You're still on my mind
Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Is true love once in a lifetime
Did the captain of the Titanic cry

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis
Or what the wind says when she cries
I'm speeding by the place where I met you
For the 97th time tonight


Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me? Tonight


Someday we'll know
Why sampson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the One for you

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