So yeah...it's snowing nicely, not enough to have my night class cancelled though, which makes me a little mad. I'd like to just do nothing now that all my tests are done.
I just bombed my anatomy exam. Seriously, I don't even think I got half the questions right. Recalling words like, olecranon, infraspinous, and goofy things like that are hard for me. Anyways, I just need a C in the class since I'm pass/failing it...
Ummm...what else is new? I've been spending lots of time with my love and it's actually been great. She's a cutie :)
I finally get to go home soon. I haven't been home since the end of December. I miss my mommy terribly.
That's it....byes :)

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listening to: better than ezra, 'our finest year'
mood: frustrated

I wrote this the other day, and even though I don't feel quite this upset or angry now, I really enjoy it and want to share it with you all...

Brief glimpses of perfect moments
Blurred as life passes by
Cheerful smiles hiding bitter tears
Brutal fights disguised as meaningful kisses
Surroundings forgotten in broken words
Laughs lost in echoes of yelling

Yet the pictures remain still
Happy moments caught in between anger
Staring back at me from my wall


I've just woken up and I can already feel the tension of the day. There are quite often times when I would like to crawl into bed for the whole day. Some people think that sounds crazy, that you can't just hide from the world. Apparently, the world carries on and I must as well. I feel that the world would be okay without me for a whole day. I feel that I can just brush it all away until I'm ready to deal with it.
Right now, I'm not really ready to deal with it. Yesterday was great. I had so much fun being out with Christine; but, it seems, as soon as she's back, there absolutely has to be a fight. Clearly, I should have been up and showered and ready to spend my whole day with her. I wasn't. I stayed up late doing my own thing, slept in, so that when she got back I was only just out of the shower. That wasn't good enough.
There's something about taking and giving here...from my last entry. I take a lot of shit and give as good as I can. _{I'm growing frustrated.} Of course, she'll be fine in an hour and I'll just pretend nothing ever happened, mostly because I'll have to apologize for not being awake and ready for her return.
Anyways, I'm going to finish getting ready and not crawl into bed, even if it's the only thing I want to do.

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listening to: matt white 'best days'

mood: sleepy

I love the weekends. It gives me time to get myself together. It also gives me time to procrastinate. For example, I have two huge exams, one on Monday, one Wednesday, and I haven't even begun to study for either of them. I'm content with that, though, because I've been busy doing other things...like having fun.



Here's the thing...the thing that has been on my mind for about a day now. People are sketchy. Relationships are sketchy. It's this whole give and take thing. Some people know how to do it better than others. I was in this relationship a long time ago with someone who was really, really good at taking, but not so great at giving. He would take a lot from me, and although he was good to me, I didn't get much in return. My concern then is that this could happen again, to me or anyone else. How do you know if too many things are being taken and not enough is being given? How much is too much?



Just saying 'I love you' a lot doesn't mean you're giving something. I watched my ex get fired, and dig himself a huge hole. He lived at home with his parents and had no concept of money. He would spend it on the must obsurd things and then not have any. His mother paid his car insurance and he paid her back later. He had no idea what responsibilty was. When I closed my eyes and thought of us together, I would be concerned that he wouldn't be able to buy food for our children because he'd spent it on a snowboard he wouldn't ever use. I couldn't even call him on my way to class at 10am because he might still be asleep during the week. His job let him create his own hours, so he would sleep in and work at night. I felt he was on a completely different level than me and he was already 23. I was concerned that he would never get a 'real' job, or grow up. Things didn't work out with us, and I think he's growing up a bit, but I'll never forget the concern I had when I was with him.



Another problem we had was that he never experienced college like I did. He went to a local school, finished in two years, and didn't look back. Living in the residence halls was foreign to him. He couldn't understand that I went to dinner with ten people and didn't think twice about it. He didn't get that I would walk down the hall without my cell phone, or when he called, my having people in my room always. He didn't understand the need to be up until 3am and then my taking naps during the day. He thought I was uncaring and immature about the whole thing. It wasn't until much after we broke up that I realized we were just in two different worlds on two different schedule. It frustrated me that he couldn't relate to me and got so jealous of my friends.



In the end, we broke up and I learned a lot about myself. I had to find someone who was in the same time and same place as me. We had different goals, and I'm not saying that people who have different goals can't be together, they just need to work extra hard and understand each other. I couldn't understand why he couldn't accept my new life. We should have worked together, but I realized that we weren't ever going to end up together. We weren't on the same path, and our paths never looked like they were going to meet up. He didn't want to grow up and get job and try the adult, responsible life. I was being a college student.



So often, couples forget to work together towards a common goal. I think that if you can't do that, then perhaps you weren't really meant to be together. Relationships are a give and take thing. You can't just take and not understand how to give. 'I love you' is not giving. Actions always speak louder than words. It's important to see where the other person is coming from and know that you're still loved. I've discovered that time apart really does help you to know what you have in front of you.

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