do you think im asking too much when i ask him to open up and talk? Like..actually TALK? i hate when he doesnt...it makes me feel stupid. Let's not hope that will happen this time.

He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

and that my friends, is basically what happened on friday night lol. This time, i hope to not do this same thing...

i feel worthless because of him sometimes. I wonder if i am worth being with...but thats just a girl thing, i think lol.

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ok, so talking to him didnt go out as planned. I ended up being the only one to talk, and he had to talk to my friend to talk to me. I guss it didnt come out the way i wanted it to because it ended up to be...more funny than serious. It felt really weird, and for quite sometime, i couldnt even smile. the day after i told him i just wanted to be friends, i had an urge to just..forget being his friend, and not even try to talk to him you know? But yeah...i know i couldnt do that. And i cried and cried, even up to today. Until i did what God wanted me to do, to message him about talking to him again. This time, just me and him, no friends around, just me and him. So this way, we can both talk about it, we can both be open, both know what to do and say. I havent told him everything i wanted to, and i think...this message that i sent him was blessed by God. After sending the message, i felt revived, right with myself and God. I cried my eyes out for so long, because i felt so crappy trying to talk to him, when he seemed like he didnt want to. Lets just hope...he messages back to me. Hopefully he understands what i say, because it would really hurt if he didnt want to fix this friendship. Well, let me tell you what happened

me and my 2 best friends were there, and we were talking to him about it. All he could do was talk to me through my friend. He also pretty much just said "i understand". But i didnt feel it was serious. I felt that...if he had to talk to me through her, we couldnt be friends. And then she left, and it was silent between my other best friend, me and him. So she decided to tell him her problem with him. (her problem was that she felt like no matter how hard she tried to be his friend, he never wants to be. Shes goes tot he same school, same church, and same christian club, but he seems to not support him). I know i know, we put a lot on him that night. I felt like crap because we put him through so much you know? I hoped he didnt feel bad about himself after that. But what really made me cry was...well...when my friend talked about her problem, he opened up. He really did! And i thought wow...he doesnt want to be my friend. He doesnt want to open up to me, he doesnt even care. Yeah, sure, he hugged me afterwards, but it just didnt seem..complete. He didnt seem to be my friend. He didnt seem like...he was serious. i think it was because... me and him would joke around with our friends through parts of it, so it didnt seem so serious, but when my friend spoke to him, she cried. So yeah, it was kinda my fault it didnt work out the way it did. So i cried my eyes out, i thought about it all, and wanted to not save the friendship. Until today, when i sent the message. I felt free from these tears and hurts and pains, like God worked in me throughout that message. Like all i did was type, and God spoke through me. My inmost feelings are going out to him through a message. Ofcourse, i limited what i said because i still need to talk to him in person about it. So, yeah, i trust God in this. I dont even want to think about what will happen, because im hoping that what God wants is what is going to happen. I wrote this to him, to do God's will.

im sorry, i cant write out the message to you guys, because i dont think he would appreciate it you know? i totally trust all of you reading it, but i want to respect his judgement. If he found out i told everyone on nutang, he would prolly be really...weirded out lol. So yes, just pray for me guys, and i know God's will will be done :]. lets just hope...he will respond...

im free from the tears now, and its in Gods hands :]

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well,if i didnt tell you guys, my math teacher yelled at me last friday, and i really dont think i deserved it. I mean..ME! out of all people?! im not one to talk back to the teacher, or disrespect others you know? I dont like doing that, i feel immature if i do. Well...thank God there was testing today for the sophomores 1-4! But my math teacher marked me absent today! when she knew i was a sophomore. I mean...dont the couselours see that thats the only class i have a bad grade in?! dont they know? I dont know, i just feel like i shouldnt be in her class at all.

and today...i found out i got an F on my test from one of my favorite teachers/classes. It was my fault i didnt study, but i felt like my techer couldnt accept me anymore. I feel like...she was disspointed! And yes, i know she was, but i want her to accept me again! one of the "good students" who gets A's on everything! =[. Today at school was just...horrible >.<.

The CAHSEE was easy. The easiest english test i have ever had! But man....the math will be so hard I suck at fractions, i really do, i should study tonight how to do fractions and stuff. Adding, SUbstracting and turning them into decimals >.<. Yeah, math isnt my best subject lol.

I went to church today, and my friends dont know i was sad, but im glad they kept my mind off of that F =]. But when im silent and alone, it makes me think about it more =/. BUT I WILL BE OK!! cuz i know God accepts me no matter when or how i mess up, as long as i get back up right? So if i get back up in my classes, then they will accept me again! :].

THANKS EVERYONE THAT COMMENTED!!! You're advice has opened my eyes, and it is finally time to tell him. THis friday, im heading to fresno for a fellowship. (we're staying over in dorms for a night! yee! lol ^__^) And im planning to call him to meet me after service before we go to sleep and stuff. Ofcourse, i need a third party because thats the rules lol. So, we will see what happens! Im just gunna talk about the past and stuff i guess...and how i just want to be friends. Yes yes! Thanks guys! now im happy again lol.

ranor , nuttz, randomjunk, elessar257
thanks :]

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i cant seem to get over him 0.o. I told myself a htousand times to not like him, and think of him as a friend. And i do want a friendship, i dont even want to be with him. But even if i just want to be friends and i think i dont like him, i find myself thinking about him all the time. I really dont want to like him, because its already ruined anyways! Its hard to have a friendship with him right now also, because of my past feelings. I find me and him trying to talk as friends, but it just doesnt feel right. I guess its because its pretty much has been like..a year since we were friend friends. But yes, atleast he makes an effort to talk to me you know? I try to, but it feels akward for both of us, because he knewi used to like him, and i know that he knows. We all have the same friends, i mean, we should be atleast a bit better of friends. But its getting there :]. He now knows not to treat me the way he used to, because i guess...friday opened his eyes. See on friday, we all were going around telling eachother either an apology or a "i forgive you" for watever we have been hiding form eachother. Me and his should have spoken to eachother, and i could tell he wanted to talk to me, but i was so scared! I kept leaving him and stuff... Like everytime someone came up to me, he would be walking around me. I guess to apoligize and stuff, and i wanted to too, and tell him that i want to be his friend since it was the right momment. But stupid me, i was to scared, and everytime i was done speaking to someone, i would walk to soemone else. And again, he would wlak around me. And then someone would come up to him to apoligize and stuff, and yes, i missed my chance. That whole night i felt like i didnt do what God wanted me to. I tried calling him with a private number that night at lik...2. He was already asleep. I just wanted to tell him u know? Tell him that i want a friendship. I really should talk to him and stuff. Maybe sometime soon, because i know i should. I feel like calling him! Like, right now! but i dont think i should, it would be kinda akward, comign out of nowhere just being like "well...you know on friday..." and stuff, and yeah. should i? Just tell him about the past, and what i wanted to say all this time? so that maybe we can start this friendship ALL over? So we could forget my old feelings, and really be his friend? I think all i need to forget my feelings are to get to know who he is now, instead of who he was when i used to like him. See, i dont want to see him as "The guy who i kinda like but don't" But instead, "*guys name here*, my good ol' pal" yes yes :].

advice i may ask? please and thank you!

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yes, it is a new year, i deleted all my old entries now lol. i also have a new layout! :]
sorry guys! for not blogging in a while, its pretty much because its break, and i've be hanging out with my friends all week lol. Well lets see whats new with me.

best friends & pictures.
man, me and my three best friends are like..the closest of friends, but we never took pictures together! thats really weird huh? but yes, we shall take pictures once one of my best friends gets back from the phillipines. MAN! i thought she was comign back yesterday, but i did my math wrong, and shes coming back NEXT WEEK. x].

CMYM - - revvin` in `07
REVVING-
1. a revolution (in an engine or the like).
–verb (used with object)
2. to accelerate sharply the speed of (an engine or the like) (often fol. by up).
–verb (used without object)
3. (of an engine) to accelerate; become revved (often fol. by up).
—Verb phrase
4. rev up, to increase in strength or accelerate sharply: The economy is beginning to rev up.

CMYM is revvin` this year! We are starting a revolution for God, and getting teens to know God, not religion :]. So CMYM is gunna start up this new year with a revolution! soemthing different from the usual go to church and go back home the same! Yes yes, cmym is smashin man! xP.

RECHARGE
recharge is coming up again! It's three days long and its pretty cool. Its on February 3 4 and 5 so be there for be a triangle! =] (flyer coming soon)

i've been going through problems of feeling worthless, until yesterday, when Pastor Ben spoke about how everyone bases their lifestyle on what others say about them. And its true, if someone says they dont like our shoes, we start to doubt how nice they really are. If someone calls us fat or ugly, we think that other people feel that same way. Why do we let other peoples opinions bring our whole day down? Why do we let their opinions control our lives? Well, we shouldnt. If you start to change what you do just for other people, what do you think God feels about that? You're changing who God made you into be just because of the world. So, i have lots of confidence in who i am now, and i am glad ^___^. dont let people bring you down just because they are just waisting their time thinking about you!

very random blog, no tags, no real place to put it in lol.

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