I understand I am very young. But I am tired. I am tired of living the way I used to. I'm sick of trying and resisting what I want to do with my life. I understand that what I want for myself is nothing compared to the greatness God has for me. I get it, I really, really do. But at this age, I guess I am rebelling. I am rebelling in the weirdest of ways. I rebelled and drank my heart out until I puked, or felt like I was living life large "because yolo". I rebelled and stopped being plugged into a church for a good four months. I rebelled and decided that I will trust society's view of me as being ultimate truth. I rebelled and saw every single flaw in other people, and magnified my own flaws to tell myself I am not good enough.

And even as I sit here, realizing how stupid my rebellion is, I can't help but hold on to it.

I can't help it, because I still have to face all of the facts. I face the fact that I am undesirable by anyone I have a slight interest in. I face the fact that society DOES tell me I am a three on the one-to-ten scale. I face the fact that no matter how much I do, I am still not enough for anyone to realize my potential. I am weaker than anyone I know. I put up a front as if I'm fine. As if my relationship with God is genuinely something I am working on. I put up a front that I can handle my alcohol intake (but I obviously can't). And I put up a front as if I can do both without feeling guilty, sorry, or disgusting. But I am a complete and utter mess. I am the biggest mess that no one can fix. No tangible being can fix this. But He can, and He wants to. But He can't fix it until I give him the go. He can't fix it until I let him back in.

Four months, going on five, He has been totally shut out. And even if my heart is heavy and I feel like I can't go on, I am too stubborn to let it all go. Love from a significant other can't fix this (although it would probably help). No friend with the right words or deeds can help me out of this rut; and no mentor can tell me where to go or what to do. It's my choice. It's my choice. It's my choice.

So what is my choice? I can't wait forever, because I don't think I can stand feeling like this. I have to choose. Heck, I know which to choose. But why, why oh why, is it so hard?

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

It's been two years since blogging on here, so a LOT has changed.

#1, I am now ninteen, turning twenty in august. Honestly, i laugh hardcore when i say it out loud. Just ask my room mates, they have heard me laugh about this at least three times.

#2, the guy that all my old blogs were about (they are private, but i'll make the public again. it's just, well, he found this site once xD. But I'm sure he doesn't care) is dating one of my best friends. Yeah, i liked him for six years? She liked him for three before they got together? Life is so unfair. But, I'm good with them being together (at least, I WANT to be so much, that I know I fully will be ok with it sometime). Love just sucks sometimes right?

#3, I am in college now, and i LOVE it. I am also in the nursing program! wassup!! I go to school five hours away from home, which is bitter sweet.

#4, I wish I didn't forget about this blog. Oh man, so many good times on here! And so much community ^__^

#5, i've lost 27 pounds in three months :). Yay for healthy lifestyles! Still losing weight, and will keep losing weight until I am a healthy weight for my size :)

yeah, that's about it. I'll come back tomorrow to blog more :D

and how are all of you?

Comment! (1) | Recommend!