I'm feeling depressed, once more. It seems like much of these days I feel this way. I'm in and out of bad moods and good moods. One minute I am happy and goofin off, the next I flip out for no reason and curl up into a ball and cry..alone...in the dark. God, It seems no matter how many people I surround myself with, I always manage to feel alone. I feel so empty..Do I really have nothing left? Am I actually devoid of any feelings capable of lasting longer than a day? I always manage to piss people off and push them away from me. I'm just that much of a fuck-up. Like my mom tells me everyday, "One day, your gonna wake up and realize your alone, realize no one loves you, no one ever did love you, and no one ever will." My mom makes a point. I try not to believe it when she tells me things like that. But its kinda hard not to,they eat away at me. They are like a cobweb covering all the dark corners of my mind, where all the things she's ever said to me reside. "Your worthless, I don't even know why you were born", "You don't deserve to live", "Why don't you just slit your wrists and get it over with?", "Your a stupid bitch", "Your so fucking dumb, how can you stand yourself?"..........Now, these are simply things I repeat over in my head everyday, as I walk through the halls at school, as I sit in my class taking notes, as I talk to my friends, as I kiss the one who says he loves me, and as I lay in bed everynight...and cry myself to sleep wondering if all these people I know, think the same way.........

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Today has been a bit better than yesterday. I'm still worried about my friends. I hope they are doing ok. Atleast they are in a place where they cant hurt themselves anymore, but only b/c they pop you so full of sedatives that you dont remember your first name. I feel dpressed. I'm really worried! Now some of my other friends have been acting suicidal and its just chaotic here. I dunno what to do. I wish I could talk to them and comfort them some way. But I really am uncomfortable in that kinda situation. I've been thru that kinda shit and I know about what it feels like, but still. What do I say? Anyone have any advice? I could really use some. Deep Thoughts, Kushiel

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Today has been a trying day. During 2nd period I found out that 2 of my best friends tried to commit suicide. I'm so upset, All my friends have been crying all day. I feel like everythings falling down. Everyone is either at each others throats or they are depressed. I've been crying amongst my friends for most of the afternoon. My face hurts...I hate this. But I hope everyone will be ok. I need to talk to LostSoul. He can help talk to me..I'm just worried. Tears, Kushiel

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Damn, Is it just me or is it kinda hott here in VA? This sucks, ok not really, ok wait..it only sucks when i dont have a pool to swim in all day.. lol...there, see thats what i hate about the human mind. We cant except things for what they are and be happy with them until there gone. Like summer or example, it gets so hott and your wish it was colder, hell you wish it was winter so it could snow, then you think to yourself, if i was as hott as i am now and it was winter instead of summer, i would SOO roll around naked in the snow....But then you think, wait that doesnt make since...and then winter rolls around and you say to yourself DAMN it so friggin freezing here,,,I wish it was summer and I could be all nice and toasty-roasty. lol...then you realize wtf just happened..ok 4 months ago you were wishing it was cold, and now that it IS actually cold you wish is was hott again. And you alternate back and forth until, one day you think about it too much and you BUST YOUR COROTID ARTERY ALL OVER YOUR NOODLES one night at dinner at a nice restaurant... ::gee, I didnt ask for red sauce, i thought i ordered alfredo?" I apologize, in a wierd mood...BLAH BLAH BLAH...SOL's are draining any enteligible thoughts.(did i spell that right?)

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Hello those few who've found me, I may not be on here much this week. I have ALOT of SOL testing. Which sucks chocolate covered donkey balls,(uh..yum) but hey I need the scores to pass. All well. I've figured out what a module is. And I'm busy making a few now. Most will be poems, for now. Ones I have written. Carrying A Weight is the 1st, and my favorite. I don't think they are all that good, but my friends say I should try showing them to people. Whatever. I'm tired. Give me some criticism and advice. Careful, I am sensitive LOL don't burst my lil ray of sunshine, okay??? Kushiel Sorry, I saw this one and had to put it on here, Its true!! Lesbians Rule!

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About to go outside and unload 250 bales of hay that weigh roughly 98 pounds each. If this hasnt been made clear, I live on a large farm. I enjoy it though, Lots of work. Makes me all muscular and stuff, lol. I've been kinda down today, missing some friends, and worried about others. For one a lil bit of both...I'm scared he's letting his gaurd down when it comes to a certain female......and even though he wont admit it, and seems deadset on believing he's over her, I dont think he is. I beleive he is attemping to cling on to whatever last string of hope he claims to her name. This is dangerous. I must find a way to talk to him about it. Without him biting my head off of course. I love him and care about him. ::shakes head:: Maybe one day he will listen to me.....Until then I will just beat some sense into him... lol.. Farewell For Now, Kushiel

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