I'm feeling depressed, once more. It seems like much of these days I feel this way. I'm in and out of bad moods and good moods. One minute I am happy and goofin off, the next I flip out for no reason and curl up into a ball and cry..alone...in the dark. God, It seems no matter how many people I surround myself with, I always manage to feel alone. I feel so empty..Do I really have nothing left? Am I actually devoid of any feelings capable of lasting longer than a day? I always manage to piss people off and push them away from me. I'm just that much of a fuck-up. Like my mom tells me everyday, "One day, your gonna wake up and realize your alone, realize no one loves you, no one ever did love you, and no one ever will." My mom makes a point. I try not to believe it when she tells me things like that. But its kinda hard not to,they eat away at me. They are like a cobweb covering all the dark corners of my mind, where all the things she's ever said to me reside. "Your worthless, I don't even know why you were born", "You don't deserve to live", "Why don't you just slit your wrists and get it over with?", "Your a stupid bitch", "Your so fucking dumb, how can you stand yourself?"..........Now, these are simply things I repeat over in my head everyday, as I walk through the halls at school, as I sit in my class taking notes, as I talk to my friends, as I kiss the one who says he loves me, and as I lay in bed everynight...and cry myself to sleep wondering if all these people I know, think the same way.........

day after day
i have dreamed of holding you close. i want nothing more than to see you happy. my own jealousy came b/w us the past few days for that i apologize ::kneels, bows:: please forgive me. i have never left you for a piece of ass, NEVER, i have wanted more than ass from you, hell, i dont even think of you sexually anymore. never do i masterbate with you in mind, it would be a perversion to the love i have for thee(hehehe, old english). i do not trust him, perhaps i will never trust any man but myself with you. you are the only person i have looked back at when i leave, i always turn around and look, i miss you. i confide in you all things, i have never hidden anything from you. never. and i never will. .... . i understand your pain in life, i share it. you are my sister in soul, my friend in life, my love in heart. i knew a girl once who was the daughter of my soul and the mother of my heart, i felt so alive with her. so complete and then one day she told me that i wasnt the one for her, the navy took me away, and it took away my chance at that love and that happiness. i am bitter b/c of it. i have lied to myself in order to try and happiness else where but, the act couldn't endure. i bow to you now, accept me again as brother in soul.....accept me. may the spirits protect and guide thee.
» lostsoul on 2004-05-15 01:41:51

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