After trying to take her advice, I'm feeling really alone and confused. I even got frustrated with her a while ago over something as simple as being removed from her friend's list... and then I realized how completely stupid it was and felt more okay about it. There are so many things I want to talk to her about and so few things that I find myself able to... I was doing a lot better before all of this and, in some respects, I'm doing better after.

I've noticed that I can get frustrated with her now which is a big step (I think so, at least). Before, I'd just keep everything inside and write poetry about how I was feeling but now I think I can tell her when I'm mad. It may seem like sort of a backwards step but I think it's for the better if she can tell when she gets me angry. I can't suppose her having had someone with no visible emotions following her around for about a year was very fun... or interesting.

It's definitely time for me to get more honest with, well, everyone. I'm not sure how long it'll take me but I plan on showing a lot more of my emotions. I can't pretend to be so stoic forever. And I resolve right now, if I'm ostricized for it, I'll restrain myself from beating the living crap out of the people doing it... Of course, "resolutions are meant to be broken" in this country (as evidenced by Bush and his treaty-destroying frenzy) so it's a promise.

I think I'm a really impressionable person, as much as I hate to say it. I mean, when I hear something new or, in some cases, old I tend to believe it. I've found myself the butt of many a joke simply because I'm so willing to accept things. That's one of the reason so many people like me. They think I'm joking around and pretending to be so gullible and they enjoy it and call me a "funny guy". At least I provide enjoyment through my bewilderment sometimes. Then there's the flip side... When people get pissed at how readily believe them. I won't get into that. It's my wont and I'm not willing to break it. There are just some things I'll never change.

To change the subject entirely, have you ever noticed that when people ask you what you favorite song is, you always say what you've been listening to recently? I've found that I just pick the song I listen to the most off of the CD I've been listening to. I guess I'm saying that I, and many other people I know, pick my favorite song "of the moment". I'm sure if I really thought about it, I wouldn't know what to say. I've never really figured out what my favorite song is. I'd doubt anyone really sits down and beats themself up to figure out which one they like best, either. I mean, that just sounds stupid.

It sort of bugs me that all of these bands that I really used to enjoy have sold out and moved towards "New-Age Rock". Third Eye Blind is a good example. I liked their self-titled album from a few years back and I recently bought "Out of the Vein" only to find their sound was almost completely different. Luckily I sort of like the new sound but that's not the case with a lot of the bands that I like. Anyway, I don't know where I was going with that.

I think I'm going to do some sort of voice training. My mom, who used to be a great singer, says I'd be kickass if I got proper training. The only problem I have with that is that if my mom is right, I'd just have another thing to add to the "Things I Excel at" List. It's nice to be at a median right now. I really don't want to be recognized for having spectacular singing ability anyway... It'd just be nice to be able to hit high notes when I'm singing to whatever I'm listening to.

On another tangent, the new Zoloft commerical is really awesome, but sad too. It's cool simply because it's a Zoloft commercial but it adds to that because it has a red blob and he's at a party. The poor little guy is too afraid to interact with the other guests. The horrible part about the commercial is that they actually say, "If you're feeling depressed today, ask your doctor for a prescription..." I was disgusted. Pfitzer is seriously preaching to an ignorant crowd if they're blatantly advertizing an anti-depressant for day-to-day mood swings. What's wrong with the world today?

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