I think this may turn into my rant place... and I mean for long, long rants. I must warn you that if you read on, you may be offended, so don't do it if you can't take it. And, if you read all of it, I'm deeply sorry you had to hear it since I'm just ranting about feelings.

I'm really not sure where things are with Emerald... I'm in the middle of mixed signal hell. She said she wasn't mad, but I think there's something there saying otherwise. I may just be really paranoid, but I think she's screening my calls... I'd give anything to find out what she's thinking these days, but I don't think she trusts me enough to tell me anymore... I really don't know what's going on at all.

I'm not sure about this, but I think part of the reason I'm so into her is because of all of these little things I can't figure out. I also have a feeling that doesn't make sense... How would you like it if someone was completely candid with you? I really can't explain it, but it makes her a really interesting person... someone who can captivate my mind and keep me thinking for hours on end... And then there's her open side. She's not afraid to say what she thinks or do what she wants (or at least I haven't known her to be afraid of it) and I admire that. Another interesting twist, I'm sure I don't even know half of what there is to know about her... but I want to know. I mean, nothing she could tell me would change my mind about what I feel and if it isn't love, I must have reached something higher than it.

In my Eagle board of review, I was asked what the rank meant to me. I told the board that I thought Eagle was a stepping stone in my life - something to guide me to greater things. I said it was a hurdle that I'd jumped and it was simply preparing me for the next one. And that next one is Emerald... I'm not sure what I'm trying to find but I do know I want to find it. Sure, I may have tripped over things, broken trust but I think that if I try to rebuild them, let my heart guide my way, that I can slowly start from the ground again.

I know I certainly killed most everything that I had dreamt of by doing what I did to her, but I honestly didn't know she was objecting to it... So I kept on doing it and, when we talked to eachother after that, I realized I had torn everything down. And, although I did want to do it, I wanted to wait until she would let me. I took her lack of speech to mean she didn't want to keep me from it... But, since I said I would let that die - since I promised it - I'll quit talking about it. Just realize that it was bad enough to put me at rock bottom or very, very close.

Yesterday, she said she wasn't mad at me and then, when I asked if we were still friends, she told me she didn't know... There are so many things that I could have reached before. Now it all feels far away. She confuses me so easily sometimes. I really can't see how it would take so long to decide but, then again, she didn't put me into the situation I put her in...

It's odd, though. Emerald told me not to worry about her. I can't. I've placed my worries for her over school, my friends, even family. I can't do anything about it... I don't know why, she's just... important to me. If you were in your own version of love, what would you do? What if the person wasn't worried about what happened to you as much as you were about them? I would. I can't explain anything, not how I can, not why... I just feel the need to protect her, to comfort her. But I can't do any of that if she won't let me... if she says she doesn't want or need it.

Oh sure, people have said that I could find someone better. In fact, I probably could find someone prettier - if I looked hard enough - maybe even someone smarter, but I wouldn't find someone who blended them so well as her. That I am certain of. I'm sure I can find a really nice, intelligent, good-looking girl but I can guarantee I wouldn't be as attracted to her as I am to Emerald. So people are wrong. I know they're thinking that I can do better simply because of my outward appearance. If they were to see me on the inside, they'd tell me to stay right where I am and that I should consider myself lucky. And I do consider myself lucky. Lucky to have known her, to have gotten close to her (sort of anyway), and I'm not going to give all of it up for the mistake I made. I will, no matter what the cost, rebuild everything. I wouldn't consider myself a person if I didn't.

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