i should be happy that he reacted that way right? he cares! ok, i guess i was glad he cared and i suppose what i saw today was basically how much he'd really put out for me... even if it meant doing something he really hated... but why was a small part of myself racing at my brain shouting, BE CAREFUL IT MIGHT HAPPEN AGAIN! are there some things i should just forget? how though? i forget things i shouldnt forget ( like due dates for work -.-") and remember things i shouldnt (like bad things that have happened to me that interfered with my normal life)

it triggered the incident from almost two years ago. i did something i felt was wrong, i still havent told the person. i really want to get it off my chest. maybe just letting it out would be good, but no one would really care anymore, but i just want to feel better, i dont want to hide anything. it was horrible. i dont want it to happen again.

Comment! (3) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

i have no reason to not trust, i shouldnt not trust, i have to keep trusting, why is it getting harder instead of easier? is it because we've been together longer so not only him but i also care about the rs more? i think its time i let go a bit, let myself breathe, and trust people around myself more, including believing him that whats happened to me in the past wont happen again.

Comment! (4) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

my boyfriend's birthday today. didnt really expect that he had to work but oh well. we took a few hrs off to try sign up for a phone plan. that didnt go too well really. totally stupid as a matter of fact, 2 hrs wasted as opposed to a 2 min job...

life is so tedious. everything's about money these days. if you dont have money, you can't get what you want. gee does that sound stupidly logical. how am i going to find the time to work anymore. im really tired. its so stressful, theres too much to think about, to worry about, to take responsibility for. there are so many people you have to put up, make happy/keep happy, avoid, or whatever it is. is this what life is all about? i really need a break, or else I'LL be the one breaking i just want to get away from everyone and everything. i need to breathe. i just want to have a short holiday. escape from everything. away from friends, mum, dad, siblings... i want clean air! I HATE THE CITY. WHY DO PEOPLE SMOKE? I DONT UNDERSTAND! IF YOU WANT TO DIE, GO FUCKING JUMP OFF A BUILDING ALREADY! SMOKING IS LITERALLY A SLOW AND PAINFUL WAY OF SUICIDE! ITS RIDICULOUS! I HATE PEOPLE WHO SMOKE! it's the smokers who take up so many beds in hospitals cos they have their lungs FULL OF SHIT, its them with the retarded babies at birth or blood/breathing disorders and infections! its those people who waste the government's money on drugs in finding cures for this cause. its them! its them, who cause death of others by taking up beds in hospitals and the TRULY SICK ONES WHO ACTUALLY STRIVE TO LIVE don't get beds! IT'S UNFAIR! they cause grief for so many others through passive smoking which is more harmful than first hand smoke! i swear man, in the future, if any of those are admitted to hospitals, IM NOT TAKING CARE OF THEM. IF YOU WANNA DIE, GO PISS THE HELL OFF! I DONT WANT TO LOOK AFTER YOU, IM NOT GOING TO STOP YOU KILLING YOURSELF!

and why does it also piss me off so much? is it cos i havent let go of it? every time it happens, why do i always grip the way i gripped my friend that night? i just want a break...

Comment! (4) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

its tiring, theres so much to remember, the limits... im still trying, all i hope for is a good outcome. i dont want all my effort wasted. we both sacrificed a lot, or at least i know i did. its scary, i feel like im in a vicious circle. i only hope it wont happen again. i wont have the courage to confront it again.

Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

maybe i was being too critical... or maybe its indicative of something.

do i really have to pray that they were wrong. damn, that killed confidence.

Comment! (3) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

why does everyone cage me and then tell me its all for my own good? its ridiculous. i always have the feeling that in the end, they'll be the ones complaining that im restricting them just simply because what i cant do, they shouldnt do either. ok, fine, they really do care. but why dont they ever care about my feelings and how i would feel or think towards anything at all? so many things seem so unimportant now... things forgotten, oh i dont even want to care anymore.

my next mission impossible is to regrain trust. someone teach me how to. how do you forget all the disappointments.

Comment! (3) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

i just wished i couldve kept walking on

Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed

why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

why did i have to break my promise... and now hes borken his promise, but hes unaware because he probably doesnt even know about this, this is becoming more and more alike the other one. why are we starting to fight so much now. it seems like hes not understanding me anymore. or maybe its i dont understand him anymore. my tolerance runs low now days. im too stressed. theres too much on my mind and too little (right) time to tell him about it. sometimes i dont even know how to tell him things. i hate this stress. i just want to leave everything. i just want to scream i want to release everything there is inside me. i want to cry and run and scream and hide. i dont to go away forever. i dont want to come back. why DOES IT REALLY SEEM LIKE I WANT TO STAY AT HOME? i fucking want to move out more than he does. why am i constantly having so many problems. all i want is someone there to lend me a shoulder and to listen to everything. is it that hard? am i asking for too much. i have enough stress as it is. i dont need more. i dont want more. im not a fucking idiot. like i dont know he has his own problems and issues to worry about. what does he think i am? a selfish asshole who just thinks about myself? or maybe thats how im acting? i dont fucking know, but clearly if he cant see that i do care and know then theres something wrong. im sick of this. why am i putting up with this shit? whether its at home or my social life or whatever.

i was expecting this year to run a fuck of a lot more smoother than every other yr, but it totally FUCKING SUCKS!

Comment! (3) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]