so its valentines day. i told him not to get me anything. i mean, not that i need or want anything anyway. and not that he'd know what to get me anyway. typical thing on valentines day would be receiving a rose and maybe a balloon? though its nothing like extroadinarily surprising but when you receive them from the one you love the most and you know loves you the most, its still really sweet and all =]. i later walk into a dark room with a candle lit in the centre of the words 'I �� U' made from flower petals. honey, the thought and effort you had put in was worth more than any gift you could've given me today.

thank you for everything, not just for today. For every other day that you've used your heart to love me. For all the times that i've been late when we've had to go out :p you never told me off or complained if i was late, whether i was 5 mins late, or a whole hour or two late. For being patient with me when im all bitchy and angry and pissy over stupid things.

Thank you for trying to be there all the times even though you cant always be there, because i know at those times, you're still thinking of me and worrying about me.

oh, and you hate reading :p so i thank you for making the effort to read till this very last line haha :p

Comment! (4) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

why do i feel betrayed? ouch

Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

i still dont comprehend. this will take a long time. when wont i feel distant anymore? i cant even figure what i need and want anymore... simply love? or more? reassurance? honesty? trust? security?

im tired.

Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

its so hard to stick to what you want to do now days. there are too many interruptions. nothing ever goes according to plan. i've completely lost my organised/planned lifestyle. it's pretty hard to adapt to such a change. yes no shit its a tad late for new years resolution. but i guess new month is alright? :p achieving one thing each month - not too hard right? less stress and more productive maybe?

well for a start, hes going to have so much pressure working in a new environment where hes basically on his own. he really doesnt need more stress and shit to deal with. and with my current state of emotions, it'd be a bit hard for him i guess... for the next month, no matter how hard it is, the least i can do for him is try to keep a smile, no matter how hard things will get. i'll tolerate anything and everything. never shed a tear again in front of him. im the only one he truly trusts, i have to be there to support him, right? who else will if not me? if there's anything, i suppose i'll just surpress it till hes well settled in then maybe speak about it? i really dont even know how i'll do this, surpress anger, surpress emotions, surpress stress. i know i'll feel as though im lying or keeping something away from him, but i dont know what else to do. its not humane to just let it all out on him when hes shitting himself already.

wish me luck please!

Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

so i got my place into acu as i wanted... was busy all day because of chinese new year... had to help mum, had to do a lot of housework... havent really had a good day

to commence the new year, dad's department is closing down... in other terms, dad might lose his job... now what? the one that shouldve known first doesnt know, the one who doesnt need to know first knows first... is this my fault again?

life is so tedious... where is he when i need him..... i dont want to think anymore.. i guess just let things go the way they are? something will work out eventually... though meanwhile all i can do is sit here and feel shit

Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

what if it never started? would he be happier? would i be happier?
is it my fault that he cant do what he wants anymore? what could he have done if my presence was absent? what could i have done? where would i be? a course interstate? another uni? where would he be? would be have done better or worse? would it have made any difference to what hes doing right now? maybe if i never said 'no matter what decision you make, im still there to support you' then he wouldnt have decided to not go to uni? maybe he'd be in uni right now and not the way he is now? hes unhappy, he doesnt show it, he doesnt tell me. what else isnt he telling me? do i have to keep doing things based on my own assumptions? would he be happier now if i wasnt there to stop him from doing anything? keeping promises? drinking? going out at night? what CAN i do for him? what HAVE i done for him? i made sacrifices but so what? who cares? who knows? clearly its not even noticeable because it was barely anything you did, mel. am i taking him for granted? im not doing enough for him?

i may be more hardworking so it seems like im smarter or something... but do i even deserve him? i ask him what he expects of me... he says nothing, just as long as i love him. is that really enough? if it is, then why does he keep making me feel as though that its my fault that he cant do anything he wants? what DOES he want to do that he cant do? can i do what i want to do anyway? i try so hard to make things i give up not seem like its anything important. i dont want him to feel bad. but then when i think again, why was it so easy for me to do? did it mean those things didnt really mean much to me anyway? as for him, do those things mean more?

im confused. i dont want to go on like this. theres no turning back. what am i supposed to do? teach me.

Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

its already been a week since the incident. i feel terrible. i know im not always there for him. yet im the one who complains the most about him not being there for me. i dont have the right to do so, but i sometimes i just cant help it at the time. i really dont know what to do about anything. i feel completely shit about everything, yet i have to act strong and vibrant and lively in front of him. little does he know how much pressure im under and how unhappy i actually am. as a matter of fact, no one knows, not my parents, not him. no one. i dont want to ask for more. all i want for my birthday this year, is for him to be happy and stop treating me like a lapdog. im not a pet. i dont want to be punished for decisions which are made for me where i have no say in.

all i hope for in that box is the job at crown for him. because i know with that, it'll make him a little more useful, and it'll keep him preoccupied during the day.. and it'll help him solve a lot of problems atm.

Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]

its been 2 months since the last entry.. im still unhappy... sometimes i cant control my tears ... even in front of him... so i tell him im not happy with him and the whole relationship... thats why im always crying so much... he just says i make myself cry and do it for nothing... i dont even know how to talk to him anymore... he doesnt even understand me... will i ever find myself again... how is it possible to escape a locked cage?

Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t]