its all becoming too alike. what do i do? how do i deal with it? so what if im scared? who gives a damn? he doesnt even realise that it hurts at all... not till i told him anyway. its all happening all over again... why do i feel the same way. the same amount of tears, the same level of stress. why? what did i ever do to deserve this. what am i suppose to do now? i dont want to go through it all again, it was too much for me to handle. i was defenceless, i dont want to be just like a dog. listening to an owners demands, locked in a kennel, being there whenever i need to be and put away when im not needed. this wasnt what i was after.

what wouldve happened if i hadnt started in the first place. where would i be now? would i have taken my friend's job offer and be an idol where ppl just look up at me upon? what would life be like? would i be happier? or worse than now? who would be there to support me?

ive thought about all this. nothing can be perfect. whats chosen has been chosen. whether i was to accept that job or be where i am now, i'd still be under different types of pressure. at least now i have someone there for me ... sometimes.... right?

i made my priorities, i dont now if im doing the right thing, i dont now if i'll feel better this way or if things will get better, but i'll still keep to my words. what will be the result of this? is it just plain stupidity? i dont want to cause anymore hassles and disagreements... do i even have another option?

when one feels a great sense of insecurity, i suppose its an instinct to try find any sort of security just by grasping on to whatever right? im still looking for something to hold on to. i dont know what else i can do. ive done all i can i think. ive made my choices and i've made my sacrifices. im pretty much sure of what i want now i suppose. maybe not completely, but i know what im going to have to do in the future. someone teach me and tell me what else i can do... just simply put up with it till my tolerance reaches its limit and i snap? i dont think i can do that anymore. its so hard to surpress feelings. i dont know how to hide it anymore. its so hard. i feel so dishonest. even now when i dont answer his questions, i feel so dishonest. why do i feel so guilty? hmm, i guess its the fact i expect him to tell me everything too.

why do i feel like im putting pressure on him just because im under so much pressure myself? maybe i am putting him under a lot of pressure too, but he just doesnt tell me? im not blind and emotionless, i know hes tried to do a lot for me. even yesterday. but i just totally ignored his effort at the time because i was so distressed over the weather. im sorry, i know you tried and everything, but it was too hot and i was already feeling shit. it had already accumulated in me for ages. too long. i couldnt stand it anymore.

its almost been 6 months now. i must say, over the time i feel hes more important to me, and over the time, we begin to expect more of eachother. over the time i guess we restricted eachother more, but i havent really tried to wriggle myself free because i didnt feel the need to really. i just hoped that it would all be the same way. i dont want to hold him back from what he wants to do, yet i dont want to be felt like im just a stupid lapdog who just does what im told to do and virtually on a leash being dragged and tied around whereever he wants me to be. he probably didnt even feel anything at all. he didnt even notice what hes done, maybe because boys just never think for others' feelings first or maybe they're just less caring. i dont know what to think anymore. he doesnt know at all, what hes done or how i feel unless i just throw it at his face. but that makes me feel bad. it makes me feel like im always whinging, thats how i feel when i tell him everything. and he has feelings, hes not blank, if i say something, it has an effect on him. there are times i wonder, am i just always whinging or is it because hes constantly making me feel bad? what does he think? i feel like im just an annoying whinging bitch whose just always complaining and whining by his ear. i dont know what he feels, probably the same but not saying it because its inappropriate. but has he ever thought why i do this? is it harder for guys to put himself in others' shoes?

i cant help myself feeling that im absolutely nothing after last night. maybe he doesnt remember what hes said to me last week anymore. maybe i misheard him. i dont know. why is what guys say and what they do always contradicting eachother. he says im the most important, more than anything else, yet he went ahead and made me feel like im some dumbshit who doesnt realise what hes up to. i know he hates me bringing it up. i just hope he never gets to this paragraph. dont need him feeling pissed again. what am i suppose to do though? i have no where to let it out on.

whether its family, friends or boyfriend, how come i always feel im giving out way more than i ever get back. i always try to think for them, and satisfy what they want, i dont mind that i rarely get it back, but when i never get it back at all, i just feel exactly the same way he felt yesterday afternoon. the effort just all went to waste.

i dont know ever how to tell him i feel hurt. ive only ever told him im pissed, well ive shown it even, but i dont know how to tell him im hurt. i hate it, it takes a long long time to recover. hes only really ever done it a few times, its taken weeks - months for me to feel better slightly. how long will it take this time?

does unconditional love exist anymore?

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wow, it was rather tedious for him after all... i never thought there'd be that much for him to adapt to since its not really his first time working at the shop, it was like starting all over again, haha.. the spring cleaning brought about lots of 'surprises' i suppose ... he looked so tired, yet i couldnt do anything for him except give him a brief massage. how will he cope like that in the long run? i hope things get better for him.

as i was going home today, there was a sun shower.. then about 15 mins after, i saw a double bow! i love rainbows. they're so pretty. people say if you make a wish when you see a rainbow, your wish will come true. is it true? i made a wish anyway. =]

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continuously distracting myself kind of works i guess. maybe over time like this, i'll eventually see that it is possible. just keep distracting myself.

skhdfakljdhf ok that didnt quite make much logical sense to anyone reading. hmm, will it be harder for me now that i have uni as well? how will i cope... lets hope all goes well

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all is good for now, but how long will it last?

are things really getting better? i dont want to give myself hope, i dont want to fall again, but i like things the way they are for now.

last night he said, he couldnt imagine how he would survive a day without seeing or speaking to me. was he just tired and sweet talking or did he really mean it? i dont know, but it really made me feel a whole mile more worthy than before.

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sometimes things just dont run as smoothly and kind of just ruin your entire week. it was only tuesday, but it had already felt like friday. i was tired and hungry. hungry to the point i felt like i had lived in a third world country for weeks. things are beginning to get a little better. at least i have access to the online homework i have to complete lol. thats a good start....

im so tired. i feel like im running 24/7. now i know how my parents had felt having to look after us kids and work at the same time. its at this age that you start to realise that money is quite important too. its so hard to save money. no matter how hard i try, my bf just seems to save faster than i do. well, yes he works full time i barely work at all, but thats kind of besides the point haha. i want to buy him something, but i cant because i dont have the money for it -.-" hmm... well, just got to keep saving i guess.

life is rather tedious. i want a rest soon. ive lost rather a lot of weight. its terrible. i cant even control it anymore, sometimes there just isnt time for food or sleep even.

sometimes i just want someone to talk to and undoubtedly, he's the first i approach, but he never seems to have the time or energy to listen to me. he works during the day, serving customers or doing something else. its such a long day he just gets tired by the time he gets home. when i talk to him, i know hes not even listening, not that its intentional, but he falls asleep. who may i ever seek for advice and just say what i want to say at any time of the day?

im tired.

i'll just shut my eyes and hold his hand and hope hes still there going through it all with me.

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its so hard to let go of myself. its so hard to relax. it's always temporarily forgotten, but sometimes when i'm alone or some other source triggers it, i feel kind of shit. or i start to worry it may happen again. sometimes i just wish i could just run away from it.

exams are nearing. the anxiety is kicking in again. i don't know what to do. people expect so much of me. i have such high expectations. why do i even expect so much of myself? is this purely for myself? or to show family and guys that i'm independent and i can achieve better than them? is it for reputation? dont want to be looked down at? i dont know anymore.

so far, this year was much harder than i expected... its far more stressful than i had assumed, i get so little sleep, its the first time ever i have to control my eating habits and try not eat for a number of extra hours just to get the work done. i feel so bad for complaining, cos ts not like he gets to eat either.. as a mater of fact, he skips so many meals, including breakfast... he eats far less than me and he doesnt even complain.... its so unhealthy for him, but i dont know how to help him... im not always there to feed him or to make sure he has something to eat... i just wish he'd look after himself for me, at least it'd be one less thing for me to worry about... i hate it when people dont look after themselves... i dont want him to suffer from more serious problems later on in life just because hes not looking after himself properly, but he just never listens.. well ok, he listens but he doesnt follow what i say -.-" doesnt quite help

sometimes it can seem like life isnt as great as it can be... but life can never be perfect anyway... and there are too many good times i have with him, so i suppose i should be content... maybe its a common girl thing.. we just like to whinge and complain... i know sometimes i cant control it happening

i dont know how to do better, someone out there, teach me to be a better person

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