so i sit here & just think.
i never really just relax & do nothing but think about one solid idea
& the more i think about it, the more i'm truly confused & i shouldn't be.
i know what's going on but i over think things & try too hard.
i should take it for what it is and accept that & be grateful.
i need something solid at this moment in my life and i really don't have anything like that.

i had a crush. a basic crush. & well, it got out of hand and went further than i wanted.
not in anyways that's ridiculous. just the fact that she wants to date me now & i don't think i want that.
in fact, i know i don't.
my hearts not in it, my souls not in it, my brain is even telling me this isn't right.
she's not what i need. we don't have that connection. she's not the kind of girl i can be sweet, caring & romantic with. i don't have that urge to write her letters or make her pictures or put together posters for her or some elaborate surprise to just see her smile.
i don't want that with her.
or just anyone.
not so soon.
not this moment.
i can't, it's too hard.
maybe some day, but that's not now, i thought i could handle it, but i was wrong.
i thought it would help, but i didn't know.

this journal was actually written so i'd understand it.
so i'm sorry if no one knows what i'm talking about.
but i also didn't see the need to make it private.
so have fun deciphering it.
c:

♥

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i'm waiting for a job.
i'm waiting for school.
i'm waiting for her.
i'm waiting for life to start..
waiting sucks.

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i'm pretty sure everyone hates me.. well, not on here.. but in the real world type thing.. ugh. why can't they just say it to my face?

vid....

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my 21st birthday is in four days.
I'm not too thrilled. In fact, I feel old and, well, alone. I don't have friends here. I have one that seems to be annoyed with me and one that can "never hang out". I'm not sure what I'll be doing for my birthday exactly, but if I work the night before, which I'm sure I will, I'm staying after work and probably getting drunk with in the allotted time. Why? because that's who I am or maybe who I'm becoming.
I got my state return today and I made just enough to get every cent back. So I got a lot more than I expected.
Emily is a cool chick, but we don't really talk that much and I really don't have time for her. I don't really know what's going on there.
Work is OK. I'm getting a second job at the diner down the street because they're in "desperate need" of help and I'm in "desperate need" of money. If they can pay just a little more than what I'm making at Bill Bateman's then I'm quitting that job and working at the diner full time because we get paid every Wednesday and it's not so crazy there.
Things have gotta shape up soon or I may just go insane.

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i'm in a great mood, but i'm sick.. so that puts a damper on things.
i have work in the AM, which i kinda look forward to.. hopefully i'll feel better when i wake up.. then maybe i'll take a walk and take some summery pictures. or read down at the park on top the jungle gym. then maybe some party time with sam. a waitress at work named briana offered to take me out for drinks on my 21st.. which'll be fun... after the family thing.. because i don't think i'll have a "Friends" party. i've never hit the bar scene, so that'll be interesting. i guess i'm off to read and try to sleep, if my head will stop throbbing with pain.
things are going well. a lot better than i really thought.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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