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it's a simple fact.
a new years resolution calms nerves about unnerving things in the upcoming year.
& what scares me is the fact that I've changed who I've become over the past years since moving.
I may have become a better person, but that's not what bothers me.
It's what I'm doing with myself, I'm not where I want to be & I don't know why I don't take the initiative to change that.
So, this year I'll set out on wiggling my way into a working part of society.
I have a list. I always have a list.
What makes this one different?
I just.. I don't know, I feel it.
I kick myself when I'm just sitting & watching TV or when I'm in front of the computer so I try to find something more productive to do.
So, here we go with the new year.
huzzah!



i have new music, by the way.. for people who like my musical taste.

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okay. so it's 5.27am
the clock is basically ticking in my ear.
there is no clock, it's metaphorical.
i'm suppose to get up in 4 hours to go to an open house.
but how can i "get up" if i'm not asleep?
it's hard to sleep lately.
i don't know if it's the insomnia coming back or just the fact that i don't sleep comfortably in my own bed.

i need a job, this is getting ridiculous.
i sit & i'm jumpy.
i sit & i can't stop feeling as if i should be doing something better.
i can't help but think that times moving faster than i truly believe.

it's not a secret anymore after this, but..
i think secretly, that if i get a job i won't see her anymore.
we have the weekends, that's all.
nothing more. sometimes less.
but what to do when all jobs demand weekends from me?
i really need a job that can just understand this and hire me because i'm so amazing that they can't pass me up over a stupid thing like that.

but that's not going to happen.
people who hire employees should take stuff like that into consideration.
because if i have to work weekends, i don't see her.
if i don't see her, our relationship is obviously not going to work out.
& once it "crumbles", then i'd be a mess.
meaning i'd either not show up for work, or i'd have lousy work ethic.

so read this, & understand.


i really hate the way i'm writing this entry, but it's how it's flowing,
so i'll continue on with it.

I'm not going to complain much, because right now, that's the only thing that's bugging me.

+this heat.it's killing me. how can i sleep when i feel like i'm sitting in a sauna.

i don't think i ever really rant about anything that anyone gives two licks about.
but knowing one person reads this, it's worth it.
just so someone can say "i understand"


guess i didn't have much to say, huh?

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She picked me up at midnight on that Saturday morning, better known as Friday night. It was basically as if she never left my side, or I hers. We drove & talked, drove & listened to Gym Class Heroes. We drove in complete silence, complete imperfection. That comforting feeling that radiates from her lets me know she loves whatever we're doing.
Maybe I'm lost in a dream? I'll sing to you just one more time.
It's definitely something told myself over & over, time & time again.
It's definitely worth the good time & even the bad.
Love, no matter how cliche` it seems, has always been one thing i could depend on,
even in the roughest times in life. I've had love from my mother, relatives, my friends. & now her. & I know no matter what happens, I'll always be stuck with her, even if it's completely mental or in solely in her heart. I've had my doubts, but she's worth it is all I kept repeating to myself.

Best friends is really a hard term to really define. It's even more difficult to place someone in that Category. I've come to really realize that it's really very simple. A best friend is someone you can rely on completely, someone that's always there, a person that no matter how much it affects them, their advice will only help to your advantage. I can say that I've found three of them, especially now a days when it's rare to come by considering how society is doing a complete 360. And one person I'll never lose faith in is her, she'll be here by my side whenever I need her. She's part of me, She's the greatest friend I've ever had. She's made her mistakes but has realized them and fixes them, & I help her and stand by her like a good friend would.


Moving on to a touchier subject that I may not really write much about because I get upset far too easily.
Two Thursdays ago my sister-in-law, my brother's wife, my friend, my sister, she fell deathly ill & left us quickly after. It's been hard on me & the rest of my family, especially my brother, of course. But I've really not been able to wrap my mind around it, I just can't believe that it's true. It's been a half a week & it's still slowly sinking in. People have asked to talk to me about it, mainly one lovely girl, but i couldn't answer. I had nothing to say because I can't. It's so hard, I just end up talking to myself about it sometimes because I think I'm the only one out of Stephanie & I that realized we had such the amazing relationship that we had. She wouldn't see this because she's like that with whoever she encounters, trying to be an impact on everyone's life, being the best friend she can be. She was a shoulder for me, She had advice, She talked to me about random things, things I didn't care about, she didn't care, she loved to talk. She took me into her house when I needed a place to stay so that I could keep my job. She shared her steak with me, which she did for no one. She kept my company on nights I stayed in. She even took care of my Nintendog, Maggie. She was a best friend & I'll miss her terribly. She lived her life to the fullest not knowing when she'd run out of time & I'm glad she took advantage of it. She had tons of love for us, & we'll always have it for her. I understand that saying now & I'm getting on it Stephanie Helen (she hated when we called her that).Thank you.


I'm completely confused, & upset, & happy, & content, but ready for change.
After that previous sentence, you'll see why I'm confused.


goodnight kid♥

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:-)
caj♥

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