i used to be such a downer, a real pessimist. then i changed, i don't know what my turning point was honestly. but i started to be optimistic. i was a happy person, but tonight i kinda went in between.

because, i was working & i seem to want everyone's attention, that won't give me any attention. like, i'd die if alyssa just, looked at me once even. seriously, i wish she'd actually talk to me sometime. she doesn't know what she does to me, it's not lust because i have the greatest girlfriend but there's something about her, she just makes me happy & i just wish she showed more interest in my emotions.

she used to be good to me, then suddenly, it stopped. that's all i wanted though, was someone like her, to hang out with.

like i said, i don't like alyssa like that, she makes me want to work there. celina & karen make my day so much better. they just roll with their jokes, it comes naturally, it's crazy & i love it.

& alyssa was treating me like we had just met & i hated it, ugh =\

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

tonight wasn't the best, i'm probably just making a big deal about it.

alyssa acted as if she didn't even know me, like tonight was the first time we had met or some shit. i told her something & it hurt to tell her but she started to actually sound like she cared, & she actually volunteered to pick me up for work & shit, she called me, she made me feel like a somebody, my only dream in life is to be a somebody to someone. now suddenly, she just, hmm, a simple text back, would mean the world.

my dad was jumping down my throat & pissed me off..then karen suddenly text'd me back & it made me so happy & i wanted to just tell everyone even though no one would understand why it would make me so happy. i went to tell my dad & he started to jump down my throat again. god, i hate it here, i'm happy the fucker kicked me out, i hate him.
i was so happy she text'd back, if alyssa did that just once, it would make me feel better, i don't even give a shit what it says. just i know that karen read the text & actually put it in her head. i doubt alyssa even reads my texts anymore..ugh, whatever ya know? i want someone to depend on, she could atleast return a 'bye' when i say goodnight. jesus christ. i'm still happy karen text'd me, she text'd me twice, i feel like i'm annoying her but i crave her & alyssa & celina's attention so much.

-stephanie

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

listening to: james blunt - beautiful

i'm sad, again.
i've realized, anytime i get sad, it relates back to my family somehow. when what happened between me & chris came about, it made me sad, because of my father.

the song perfect - simple plan, made me sad, because of my grandpa. when i'm trying to find a best friend, or when i consider someone to be my best friend, i cry because i think about my sister.
when i get yelled at or get controlled, i love being controlled, & it brings me back to my mom.
going to church, brings back memories of my grandparents.
everytime i get sad, it comes back to my family in some way.

like now, i'm depressed, because it's christmas time & i'm so sad, because my mom moved 5 hours away from me & i miss her so much, i've never spent a holiday without her & it has to be christmas that becomes the first time i don't see her for a holiday? why can't things just go back to being normal, when i lived with my sister & mom & dad? why can't nicole be down here, where she belongs, without her baby & without her boyfriend.
why can't my mom & grandparents be down here, with me, where they belong? why can't my dad be less cold hearted? why can't he care or cherish the holidays with me. he is the only one that can spend the holidays with me & he could care less if i see him or not.

then i have all these great friends, sarah & rachel todd, amber, cheyanne, nikki, ashley, natasha, etc... & i have the world's best girlfriend, yet my every problem revolves around my family & i get so hurt by it. i don't share this with anyone, because they can't help me out. i don't want sympathy. i don't want anyone to care, because everyone does care, but it seems like all i want is my family, i don't even want my friends that have been there for me through everything. i have everything anyone could want & i don't want it. all i want is my mom & my sister & my healthy grandparents.

why is that too much to ask?

Comment! (3) | Recommend!