listening to: james blunt - beautiful

i'm sad, again.
i've realized, anytime i get sad, it relates back to my family somehow. when what happened between me & chris came about, it made me sad, because of my father.

the song perfect - simple plan, made me sad, because of my grandpa. when i'm trying to find a best friend, or when i consider someone to be my best friend, i cry because i think about my sister.
when i get yelled at or get controlled, i love being controlled, & it brings me back to my mom.
going to church, brings back memories of my grandparents.
everytime i get sad, it comes back to my family in some way.

like now, i'm depressed, because it's christmas time & i'm so sad, because my mom moved 5 hours away from me & i miss her so much, i've never spent a holiday without her & it has to be christmas that becomes the first time i don't see her for a holiday? why can't things just go back to being normal, when i lived with my sister & mom & dad? why can't nicole be down here, where she belongs, without her baby & without her boyfriend.
why can't my mom & grandparents be down here, with me, where they belong? why can't my dad be less cold hearted? why can't he care or cherish the holidays with me. he is the only one that can spend the holidays with me & he could care less if i see him or not.

then i have all these great friends, sarah & rachel todd, amber, cheyanne, nikki, ashley, natasha, etc... & i have the world's best girlfriend, yet my every problem revolves around my family & i get so hurt by it. i don't share this with anyone, because they can't help me out. i don't want sympathy. i don't want anyone to care, because everyone does care, but it seems like all i want is my family, i don't even want my friends that have been there for me through everything. i have everything anyone could want & i don't want it. all i want is my mom & my sister & my healthy grandparents.

why is that too much to ask?

Sometimes, life isn't fair.
You gotta roll with the punches and try to remain as positive as possible. All I want is to see my daughter for the first time (she's 21 months old). But that's been delayed for another few months/years. It's all about perspective. If you wanna know what I mean, read my entry, the can/perspective part. Hope it helps.
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