the index card
Location lubbock, TX
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the three things
Tuesday. 12.7.04 8:21 pm
He doesn't have to be cute. Or romantic. Or a genius. None of that. He doesn't have to be a bad boy. Or a jerk. ((<-- definetly not)) Or an outsider. He just has to be...
And so I'm not so in-love w/Will anymore. But I'm in love w/someone who's funny. and sweet. and into music. He's not even that cute, just baby boy cute. He doesn't look like a guy model or anything. He's just... amazing.
If I told, people wouldn't ever want to talk to me again. So I only told Logan. I can trust her cuz she can trust me. And she really doesn't know him that well.
i love will
Sunday. 12.5.04 12:22 am
Have you ever loved someone so much that you just can't get your mind off them, and you'd rather die then have to live w/out them? And you want them to love you, too, but then again you don't, because you know it would ruin your really really good best-friendship. And then you find out that they love you, too, but they don't want to ruin your friendship eather. And so they say they can't do it. They can't love you. They say that you have to be just friends, and no matter how much you want to say, No! No! We can do this! We can be more! We can try it! Our friendships allready screwed now that we're having this conversation, so can't we just get over it and have fun w/it? you just can't. You can't now and you never will be able to. Has that ever happened to you?
CaptanCrunch2010: i p.o.d at u u r in the boys r stupid thro rocks at them club
iluvDRPEPPER101h: haha i made that club
CaptanCrunch2010: u poo face
iluvDRPEPPER101h: cuz we r kinda mad @ a couple of boys right now
iluvDRPEPPER101h: hu wat?
CaptanCrunch2010: we r kinda mad @ a couple of boys right now
iluvDRPEPPER101h: me n wendy r mad @ some guys
CaptanCrunch2010: what guys
iluvDRPEPPER101h: just some guys
iluvDRPEPPER101h: i dunno
CaptanCrunch2010: omfg y
iluvDRPEPPER101h: cuz of somethin
CaptanCrunch2010:: y r u mad at me
iluvDRPEPPER101h: cuz of something about someone
CaptanCrunch2010: WHAT THE HELL
CaptanCrunch2010: o well im gunna go
iluvDRPEPPER101h: i would tell u
iluvDRPEPPER101h: but i cant
iluvDRPEPPER101h: u will think im an idiot and a biatch if i say y
CaptanCrunch2010: no tell me
iluvDRPEPPER101h: no u will think im retarted and a stupid biatch and u will nvr wanna b frendz w/me evr again
CaptanCrunch2010: no tell me
iluvDRPEPPER101h: i promise u dont wanna hear wat i have 2 say
CaptanCrunch2010: well tell me neway
iluvDRPEPPER101h: u will get mad @ me
CaptanCrunch2010: TELL ME
iluvDRPEPPER101h: ok well i dunno me n wendy well we were just talking and stuff and she said it looked like u liked me and stuff and i told her that i like u and then she was just like yea i think he likes u hes just been acting like it and i told u and all and well i told her how like this morning ok u were just like 'lylas' and stuff when u signed off and im not friggin stupid i can take a hint but i mean u could have been nice enuff just 2 tell me! and then like when i told wendy we were just talkin and then we just kinda got mad a lil i guess i dunno its a stupid reason and u think im a bitch now but o well u wanted me 2 tell u so there i told u
CaptanCrunch2010: nice enuff just 2 tell me?? telll u what
iluvDRPEPPER101h: that u dont like me u didnt have 2 just be like lylas cuz that hurts even more will
CaptanCrunch2010: if i like sum 1 i juss dont tell mthem straight out hannah
CaptanCrunch2010: but i dont want our friendship to end
iluvDRPEPPER101h: y did u think i didnt wanna friggin tell u but no i just had 2 tell u right u just had 2 make me tell u and how could u not no that it was u i would have told u ne1 else i trust u more than ne1 u just wanted 2 here me say it didnt u?
iluvDRPEPPER101h: well then y?
CaptanCrunch2010: bcuz i didnt no
iluvDRPEPPER101h: will im sry i luv u more than anyone and ur the best frend ive ever had i just didnt want this 2 happen out of all the things that could happen i didnt want this 2 happen
CaptanCrunch2010: well then lets just stay friends because u r mu best friend and i dont want it to end over a stupid relationship
iluvDRPEPPER101h: im going 2 my room call me if u wanna talk
CaptanCrunch2010: what the hell
iluvDRPEPPER101h: i just dont wanna b in here right now
iluvDRPEPPER101h: i just dont!
iluvDRPEPPER101h: i wanna talk 2 u will but i dont want 2 in the same room as my dad!!!!!!!
iluvDRPEPPER101h: im sry will
CaptanCrunch2010: 4 wat
iluvDRPEPPER101h: 4 just bein so mean lately
CaptanCrunch2010: not ur folt
iluvDRPEPPER101h: im going 2 my room call me if u want
CaptanCrunch2010: i kant
iluvDRPEPPER101h: i hate this
iluvDRPEPPER101h: just... i dunno... everything
iluvDRPEPPER101h: i dunno
CaptanCrunch2010: r u mad aty me
iluvDRPEPPER101h: no i dont think so im just sad
iluvDRPEPPER101h: im just really really sad
CaptanCrunch2010: well i dont wanna ruin our gr8 relationship
iluvDRPEPPER101h: i no
CaptanCrunch2010: do u?
iluvDRPEPPER101h: no but will u dont understand how much i like u how much ive liked u ever sense 4ever how just... i dunno i dont understand eather
CaptanCrunch2010: hey i g2g2 bed
iluvDRPEPPER101h: ok bye
iluvDRPEPPER101h: good night
CaptanCrunch2010: lylas 4 eva and eva
CaptanCrunch2010: * dont b sad pweez*
iluvDRPEPPER101h: ly2 and ill try not its just so hard
CaptanCrunch2010: k cya
CaptanCrunch2010 is away at 12:12:39 AM.
CaptanCrunch2010 signed off at 12:23:15 AM.
And about 30 minutes ago look what Kendra said, and what I said back, while I'm crying outside of the computer, but she will never know that, will she?
PUNKROCK118: i think will blocked me
randomstupidityh: hes signed off
PUNKROCK118: i know but he is like veing real rude to me and i am just like i like him and if he dont want to care and he want to be mean to me because i like him then fuck him he is just a boy
randomstupidityh: yea boys r stupid throw rox @ them, right?
How could he do that to me? He can go out w/anyone that happens to be my best friend, but even if we like eachother, nooooo we can't go out. We'll never go out. Because we're to good of friends. We're just to good of friends.
i should have known
Saturday. 12.4.04 11:00 am
I should have fuckin' known. He hasn't ever liked me. He never will.
You know, I had a dream last night. It was the best friggin dream I will ever have. Ever in my life.
-->I was @ some play ground or something, and I was sitting there, thinking, God, I wanna see Taylor. And then, I here over speakerphone, "Hannah, please come to the elevator." And so I go, and who do I see riding up the elevator? Yea, Taylor. But, but he says, "I don't know you." And goes back down. And then so I call out to him, "Wait, Taylor, wait! It's me! Hannah!" And he comes back up. And he asks me out. And it's one of those good relationships, where we talk, and we hang out, and we have fun. Like, best friends, but better. But then, then he goes back to Oklahoma. And I was sitting on AIM, talking to him, and thinking, Oh, God, what if it didn't happen? What if it was all in my head? What if it was just a dream? And I started to cry. And I said, "Taylor, did it really happen? Were you really here?" And he said, "Yes." And then the dream was over.<--
It was one of those dreams you won't remember, unless you start to think about something or another that was in that dream. And I started thinking about something, and it popped into my head. And I started to cry. When I got to the end I was crying, quietly, but hard, mostly inside.
See, that was the difference between Will and Taylor. I knew that I had a tiny tiny strand of hope w/Taylor. I mean, Lord, he'd told people that he'd liked me. So I knew, until he moved to Oklahoma, I had a chance. I knew that, even though it was a tiny chance and probably wouldn't happen, he had liked me, and it might. But with Will, I didn't have any chance or hope w/him, I merely had a wish, or a dream, or a really good friendship. Nothing more than that. And I blew it, what ever I had, when I told him I liked him last night.
Know how I knew that? When I signed onto AIM today, and then when he signed on, he didn't say anything about that. And when he left, he didn't even do what we always do. Always.
It's always like this:
One of us: well gotta go lysfm ((luv ya so freekin much but we dont put this just so you know wat it is))
The other of us: lym ((luv ya more))
The first: w/e i lytm ((luv ya the most))
The other one: u wish i lym than anyone
You know what he said today?
lylas. Luv ya like a sis. A fuckin sister. Nothin more than that. And I'm not stupid. I can take a friggin hint. God. I shouldn't have told him. But he was so mad when I didn't. Soooo mad.
See, he went to the movies w/Olivia and Ronnie, and Ronnie spent the night @ his house. And then they were online and they were talking and stuff and Ronnie told me that Will and Olivia made out in the movies. And then i could tell I was starting to cry. And so I said, "I gotta go guys bye" cuz I was in a chatroom w/them, and I put up an away message that said call me and I ran into my room and started to cry. And then he called. And he told me it wasn't true. And still, I was trying hard not to cry.
So then, I told him to tell me who he liked, and if he would tell me first then I would tell him. So finaly he said, "Olivia." Well, of course that pissed me off. "Now tell me, Hannah."
"Psh, no," I said. He said it wasn't fair. "To bad, life's not fair."
And I was all pissy to him and stuff and then I got all sad cuz he was mad @ me and stuff and well then he said it wasn't really Olivia he was lieing. I knew it.
He did it again w/Logan. I knew it wasn't her eather. @ least, I wanted to know it wasn't her. He said he was lieing again. So, I got on AIM, and my dad was screaming @ me to get off and go to bed, and, sense I wasn't on the phone anymore, I just said, 'u' and I signed off.
And then what happened this morning happened.
i feel so loved
Thursday. 12.2.04 10:08 pm
I dunno if he's just being my best guy friend that I've ever had [yes, even better than Taylor. *tear tear i still miss that kid sooo much], or if he likes me. But he thinks I'm pretty and he told me so. He saw my Xanga pic and said that I'm pretty. And he's always there for me. And he's my best friend. And he knows my deepest darkest secrets. All except this one. This one. The one that I'm not sure if it's true or not. The one where I kinda almost wish he did like me. The one where if he did, I kinda almost wish he would ask me out. The one where if he did, I would kinda almost say yes. Kinda almost probably.
BRoKEN x WinGs 0: just out of curiousity do yew guyz like eachohter?
wow. Out of no where. But about me and him. Duz she think we do? I kinda almost wish she did.
BRoKEN x WinGs 0: i duno just seems like yew to hav a thing for eachother *i dont mind at all* if yew to go out i think it wuld be cute! but i was jw cuz will is ALWAYS sayin ur pretty and in ur pro and stuff yew talk alot about him
That's Sarah, by the way. Yes, Sarah. My best bud. The one that went out w/him, and introduced me to him, and was so hurt when they broke up. And when he liked her she said yes when he asked her out, just to break his heart. What goes around comes around, I guess.
i have an idea!
Thursday. 12.2.04 4:40 pm
Wow what a surprise, huh? Well, heres my idea. Ok, this is my blog where I say what I really think/feel/like/want blahblahblah all that junk, and my Xanga, I'm just gonna say what happened to me and stuff. Yea, cuz to many of my buds have Xangas, I just had to join, but I can't really say anything private on it. But I can on this. Soooo I have to online journals and this one is my better one, but I just couldn't stay away from an Xanga. =p
i broke up w/scott
Sunday. 11.28.04 9:25 pm
I am very happy, but he's pissed @ me sooo that makes me a lil sad. Oh well. I'M SINGLE!!!!! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I CAN GO OUT W/CODY IF I WANT!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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