If you miss me so much, why aren't you even trying?


It was all your fault. Why can't you admit it?


You're a fucking coward.

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For the longest time ever like months and months and months, I thought you figured me out. But after today i found that you don't know me thaaaaaaaat much. Muahahahahahaha. And boy does it feel good.



It just feels so good.



-cherry

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You're asking me to put on a mask and I just can't do that.
I can't staple a smile to my face,
I can't stuff my eyes with cotton to stop them from crying,
I can't stick a board on my back to make myself stand tall,
...and mean it.

The weather changes, and so do my days. But it doesn't mean I'm sad forever.
Just because on some days I let the rain fall, doesn't mean I'm incapable of keeping dry.
And to think you'd be someone to hold an umbrella over my head one day.

You fell through the holes of my sand sifter, goodbye friend.

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Have you ever listened to a song that made you feel happy and sad at the same time? Today I sat in my bed avoiding homework listening to a song called Easy, Lucky, Free. It made me happy and it made me sad. I really don't know how to explain that feeling its complicated. But I sat there letting the song drain everything I've been holding in for the past couple days. :) It was pretty relaxing. Even though my problems haven't gone away completely, it felt good to let it out just by listening to a song. Usually when I have a problem, I try to make myself not feel anything toward it but sitting down and letting myself feel sad made myself feel happy because I didn't have to be judged letting myself feel.

Music is an easy escape from reality sometimes :)
I love it.

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I like gloomy days. There's something relaxing about it. Today I was stuck in traffic and I wasn't angry or in a rush. I wish more days could be like this.

Moving on...

I remember when I used to write poems. I used to write about love and heartbreak before I even knew what those were about. People used to compliment me on it, telling me I was a good writer. Keep in mind that I was in 7th grade at the time and the only opinions I cared for came from my peers.

Now that I read my old poems that I've kept for goodness knows why, I realized that they're just a bunch of cliche and unoriginal lines. I wonder if people actually meant the compliments they said or they just didn't know any better. Either way, it makes me laugh now.


It's not even embarrassing anymore. It's kind of a memory I actually like.

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I don't really answer my phone because firstly, it's not around me and second, it's most likely on silent so I won't hear it. Then i'll find these missed calls and the one habit that i never really can get over is that i never call people back. That's kinda rude isn't it. But that's just how it is. I never really call people back becuase I'll probably forget or I maybe just don't want to.



Today my work called. Actually it wasn't even my work, it was another branch under the company i work for asking me if i would like to work with them to gain more hours. I do need hours especially since the holidays is just around the corner but i don't know. It's a new place, a new atmosphere to get used to. I just got used to how everything works at my company and how to get around. I didn't call them back today because I needed time to think about it. I even slept too. I guess.....I dunno but i'm going to work tomorrow and if they ask me about it then i'll just say yes. i just couldn't call them back in time to make my decision. ahck



Another thing i don't ever do is call old friends back. Old friends as in old friends from the past who i've kind of lost touch with over the time i've moved. Yeah, there's that once in a while comment on myspace or whatsoever. But it's not at all that big. Now that I've moved back, old friends call like we've been in touch this whole time. We've lost that connection but it's like they're oblivious to that. I've tried hanging out and catching up in the beginning but it's just not the same. 4 years can really do some change. Even when it involves a best friend who DID keep in touch. And i mean change in a bad way: there are more intentions for one night stands, drinking and drugs makes you the coolest person alive, jealousy sprouts out from the people you least expect would be, and all these other things. You lose all this trust that you once had when you see that they're a whole lot different than they were. I tried shrugging that off once, i tried just molding into those differences when it had to do with my ex best friend. but it didn't work. If that didn't work with a best friend then what about with someone who is just a friend and isn't how they used to be



How can you let them back in if they aren't who they used to be? Trust is such a big issue to me.



So that's that I never call old friends back.



Maybe this all means that I just don't like change. That's probably it. I know I can tolerate a bit of change, but not a whole lot of it.



Maybe.

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