"The Artist In The Ambulance"

late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
red light, can't stop so i spin the wheel
my world goes black before i feel an angel lift me up
and i open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
they flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and i am gone
now i lay here owing my life to a stranger
and i realize that empty words are not enough
i'm left here with the question of just
what have i to show except the promises i never kept?
i lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets
i hope that i will never let you down
i know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound
look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
it gets me down but i'm still gonna try to do what's right, i know that there's
a difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
there's a line drawn in the sand, i'm working up the will to cross it
rhetoric can't raise the dead
i'm sick of always talking when there's no change
i'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow
late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
red light, can't stop so i spin the wheel
my world goes black before i feel an angel steal me from the
greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
they've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance
can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound

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I just woke up. I was having the best dream all night long. I was enjoying it while it was happening anyway....but now I don't. Wesley was in it. We were hanging out at random places. The whole friggin' time we were together, we were holding hands and standing really close and and eh just being in love. I'm an affectionate type of person...and I know that being physically close to Wes won't happen for awhile. I'm not talking about sex. I have my whole life to finally do that. I mean just cuddling and crap like that. I haven't seen him in four months...and I just might see him tomorrow night, but these things take time. You don't just start being physically close the very first day you go out with someone. I feel even more lonely than before I went to bed last night. The dream was nice in a way...I guess it felt good to get that stuff out even if it really wasn't him...just an image in my dream...I love him and I do want to hold his hand and crap like that, but its just not going to happen for awhile. He's so fucking busy right now. I've only talked to him once this week. He told me to call on Tuesday so that he could hear me sing, but of course like the pattern has been lately, he wasn't home. I know he's practicing with his band and things are hectic because they have a big show tomorrow, but still. Why tell me to call if you're not going to be home? I'm not mad at him. I'm just annoyed. Every time I call his mom tells me he's not home. He im'ed me yesterday and said he was sorry for not being home Tuesday when I called. I understand why he wasn't, and I know he's not trying to blow me off....but still...it does get annoying for someone's mom to answer and say he's not home just about every freakin' time you try to call.

I have to finish this later....I have an appointment to get my medicated dressing out....yeas, I am still messing with whole wisdom teeth surgery thing. My foot's falling asleep, and I need to shower before the appt.

*MUCH LOVE*

~BEANS~

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I haven't updated on my life in awhile...not that anyone really reads this anyway....but this is more of a rant than an update....heh

I feel like utter shit.

I missed school today....AGAIN...I missed last Friday because I was in so much pain. I missed today for the same reason....I feel like I'm permanently and terminally stuck with the flu or something...that's what it feels like. I don't want to die, but yet I don't want to be in pain every minute of every day for the rest of my life....that's the way its been for two or three years....ever since I was diagnosed with something, every single fucking day and night I've been in pain. Some days worse than others...but its always been there. The only time I was ever pain-free was when I got my wisdom teeth out...and I was on pain killers....It sucks too because doctors won't normally give out pain killers to patients such as myself....but DAMN I'm so fucking sick of being in pain. I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up, my whole body aches, I get the chills, I literally have migraines all the time, I'm always half awake...I haven't been fully awake since the 8th grade. Everyday I feel drugged and like someone's slowly pushing 10 inch needles into my abdomen or slowly beating me with a rubber hammer...hitting EVERY spot. I hate it. I hate genetic for giving me this disposition, I hate my body for slowly killing itself. Its probably not slowly killing itself...but its sure as hell attacking itself, and making sure I feel every ounce of pain possible. Yeas, this is yet another long entry. I am YET AGAIN home alone, with no one to talk to but myself and God, but I doubt he wants to hear my depressing, self-pitying whining right now. Ouch. I didn't get to see Katrina today. She's such an upliftment. She's going through shit right now, and she's been through more shit than I have...so she's a good listener and helper :} Like I've said before, she's the only reason (okay not the ONLY....) I feel sane and loved. She truly cares about me, in a sisterly way, and I love her for who she is. Although she does get on my nerves, I'm sure I get on HERS...haha....She's probably one of the only reasons I have what little faith left that I do. She inspires me to be a good person...a job that I don't do too well for myself....The other reason I feel sane and loved is my MOM. YEAS> THATS RIGHT> I SAID IT! Without her, Katrina, and Wesley, I'd be flat out fucked. My hand's cramping...and I have to PISS!!!! AHhh okay to relieve myself! Yea alright okay uh huh sure mmmmkay

*MUCH LOVE*

~BEANS~

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I recommend this girl's blog thing... http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=BlackoutSadFilms

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"the most powerful love is from those you don't know. would it be possible to love the one you know least of all...yourself. " Feels like there's 2 billion pounds of pressure on my chest

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pain...ouch...walked just a little too much today....

| i can't wait up for forever ..... how do you expect me to believe everything you say about how you feel towards me .... when you can't even take the fuckin' time to call .... |

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