Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Alright. Its official. I hate love. Love should rot in hell. I HATE SELFISH PEOPLE. They, too, should rot in hell. Some of you that have read my Nutang since I started it, are probably aware of the fact that 75% of my entries have to do with love in some way shape or form. Well, I've had it. I'm sick of depending on someone. I'm sick of having someone determine my moods. I am not a part of that person. I'm independent enough to where I should do things my way, feel the way that I WANT TO FEEL...without getting to the point of being extremely selfish. Maybe its just the fact that I'm cynical, but it seems like everyone around me is getting really obsessed with themselves.... All my best friend can talk about is her daily drama. Do you know how often I get asked how I am? Not very. Hardly, and when I do get asked, its coming from my parents. You know, if I were to treat him the way that he's been treating me, he'd hate me. Probably stop talking to me, or get really pissed and offended/hurt. Fuck that. I care too much about someone's feelings...how they are, how their day was, how their life is...Few return that. I care about everyone. I get really sensitive and try to think of people's feelings first before I react. Blah Blah Blah. I'm sure that right now, I sound like a stupid, selfish, hypocrite...but I promise, this is the only place that I talk about myself...and my problems. I swear that no one ever really knows how I'm feeling...I wayyyyy too introverted...The complete opposite of my friends. I asked him how he was, and he just immediately went off into his day, what happened, how he was.....you know how many times he's returned the question?? Probably three times....three times out of god knows how many months of asking that stupid question. What's the point of that question anyway? HArdly anyone answers it truthfully....and if they do, their self-absorbed most of the time. Its more of a courtesy question...few really honestly care how you are. They're just trying to be polite. So you think I'm happy, huh? Guess again. I WAS happy. I was happy until I waited for you to come online so that I could talk to you. You know, there were days when I wanted nothing more than some time to talk with you. You signed on, and I, AS ALWAYS, IMed you first, you returned the hello, I asked "sup?", you spurred on about everything currently happening, even the state of your voice (which, by the way, I must say that I was rather disgusted by your love for yourself at that point), and went on, and on, I tried talking to you, youre obviously occupied, okay, i can accept that, I mean, after all, its not like you should pay complete attention to me........but you could atleast engage in conversation.....I hate long-distance love. In fact, I'm through with it. Do you know how many nights its fucked with me? Wondering if he smackin on some girl, who was hitting on him this time. What's even worse is that he TELLS me when this happens. For godsake man, I don' want to hear about that. When I ask him why he's telling me this, he gets all pissy. Anytime I ask him any type of threatening question (like the time i was pissed because he had never asked me how i was, and i asked why he hadnt wanted to know if i was even still alive and what not...yes i know, im dramatic sometimes...but anyway...)....he acts like he doesnt want to even know me. He's even said "stay away, be by yourself, fuck you, fuck off, etc etc etc"....hes said that right after ive asked the question. Ive asked him why he does that...he doesnt have a real response......why love someone that right after you ask a valid question, basically says that they dont want to know you anymore? is it just me, or is that a little out of line to act like that. you have no idea how many nights i havent been able to sleep because what you were doing to me hurt so much? i hate being ignored. i hate feeling like im your last resort. everytime you decide to go out with some girl, and they cheat on you, you come running back to me, with really strong feelings. Does REAL love fluctuate like that? i never really thought so...and im not going to make excuses for you. why havent you learned by now that im the last person that would ever intentionally hurt you? i hate the fact that ive kind of become numb towards you. I care about you, but I'm trying my hardest to move on. I know that I can't keep my emotional sanity and still hang onto you. I'm not over you, but I'm so numb towards you that I don't really care anymore if I hurt you. I mean, I don't want to tell you to die and rot in hell you hurtful motherfucker or something like that....but I've kind of toyed around with the thought of making you hate me so I could move on, knowing that I'd never have another chance of being with you. I could actually sleep when you were angry with me. It was easier for me to say "okay who the hell cares now" and think of other things, knowing that I didn't have to wait around for you to call, or even care if you did. Blah. Everythin's coming out at once. Blah. I know that you care, but if you asked me to tell you anything about you that bothered me most, it would be that you don't show it. Instead of showing it, you talk about yourself. Whatever. I know that when people don't know what to say, they talk about things in place of it. Things like, for instance, themselves.......that bothers me. While I may be introverted with how I am, I'm defanitely not introverted about showing how I feel for someone. Maybe that's because I care so much about other people....more than myself. I love the people I'm close to, more than myself. I'd die for those people. To me, they come first....a healthy type of first...lol....not the kind where i completely neglect myself or let others walk all over me.....blah blah blah. i'm hot tired hungry and thirsty. there. i expressed how i feel at the moment...lol *MUCH LOVE* ~Beanz~

Comment! (6) | Recommend!

Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

wow no one really views this anymore....herm...that's probably because I don't write in it enough anymore ...

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

You are Krusty the Clown!! Always cracking clever jokes and insulting others you love being the center of attention. Off the cameras however, you become a cynical, depressed, asshole. I am Krusty the Clown!
Which Simpsons Character are YOU?

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

so lately things have been going better. i told him how i felt, basically told him to hate me, but he doesn't...i'm sure he's not happy with me for acting the way that i did, but i dont think he hates me....i hadn't talked to him for almost...hm....for 4 days. i know it doesn't sound like much, but when you're used to talking to someone almost everyday, it kinda starts to get weird not talking to them. I was afraid something was wrong....he's talked about suicide before too....and holy shit that was not a good feeling to wonder if he had actually done it himself. i don't know if he would or not, but there's always the chance. i wanted to call him last night, but i absolutely could NOT get myself to pick up the phone and dial his number. when i did dial it finally, my fingers would freeze on the last few numbers, and i'd hang up. needless to say i was terrified of calling him...so i went to sleep. lol that seems to be how i handle a lot of stuff - by just going to sleep. although its not always the best way....i had some freaky dreams last night because i went to sleep when i was dealing with "problems"... but i talked to him last night, and immediately felt better knowing he still cared...its weird....i've never kept feelings about anybody for this long. i've had some serious crushes, but they lasted at the longest 1 or 2 months. This on the other hand....its been since April...and that's awhile for me. i guess i'll always care for him the way that i do.

blah blah blah enough love crap i'm not in a sappy mood.

i bought a kurt cobain shirt yesterday. its nothing terrible...none of his shirts are terrible. it just had him standing in front of a sign that said "TEENAGE". It was the only shirt that the whoever makes them hadn't changed. All of them except for that one had a page of his journal on the back. i don't agree with having his journal public, and i'm not going to wear a shirt that has that anywhere on it. that's not what kurt cobain was about - his journal. his journal doesn't make him, and it certainly wasn't meant for the public....just those he cared about finding out the real him by reading it. now that i'm totally off topic, here's what i was going to say - my grandma flipped out when she saw it. she drove around the mall parking lot saying that if i took it back, she'd buy me two shirts in place of it. hell no. i bought it for a reason. "hes about suicide and drugs". IF HE WERE ABOUT SUICIDE, AND THAT WAS ALL HE WAS ABOUT, THEN HE WOULD'VE BEEN DEAD HIS WHOLE LIFE. Suicide just made up about 5 seconds of his life. besides, there's so much more to him than that, and she's convinced that its dark and that people will see me as dark and that it'll start talk and people will think differently of me and think of me as depressed and dark and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. i am depressed, and at times dark, so what's wrong with me showing the me right now? nothing. my grandma just cares way too fucking much about APPEARANCE and how i'll come off to other people. well hello, i don't have but 3 friends anyway, so who the fuck cares what other people think about it. wow alright now i sound..........angry? lol i'm not angry...no, wait yes i am. i'm always angry, and i'm becomming more and more cynical too.......ahhhhhhhhh save me katrina!!!!! lol............ okay i need food, so i will finish this later....maybe later as in when i don't sound so......stupid.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!