What have I become? Motherhood brings out dark parts of you that you never knew existed. On the same coin, same book, token, whatever, it also brings out a softer and more beautiful part of you. I have to re-find myself because of motherhood.

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ESO, Planets3, Duelyst, Startrek Timelines. For now. I miss gaming. Dont do much with a needy toddler.

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Now that I've had my son and spent time with him and have a couple potential adoptive families and got my daughter from the wonderful family watching her while I was in the hospital, I have the urge to be a mom. Yes I AM a mother but I feel such a strong urge to take care of my son it's not even funny. I am at peace with my plan for his future, considering how I feel it's the best choice for us as a family, but I am now feeling like I am not doing my job. I know it's natural. I just hope it goes away at least enough to move on.

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mood: happy, sad, retarded?
I hit a good spot. If that's possible! lol but really. I had the baby. A boy, healthy, adorable. Going the adoption route. I'm happy and am at peace now with it. My ex never did get to see him or even know anything until today maybe. It's his fault for running off and not having anything to do with us. I hope my son will have a happy life. I know that I would be overwhelmed taking care of two kids without transportation or family or friends. (Well no one who can/will do much to help) I feel good. I'm taking back my life.

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Man, postpartum depression is VERY dense. *slosh slosh* To anyone experiencing it, seek help. I have a counselor AND a case manager come TO MY HOUSE every week. I don't have a car and transport is iffy. It helps so much to have these people come to me and help me keep my head above the water. I'm so scared of everything. It's a nightmare and I'm alone 90% of the time.

I need some goals every day to help me not fall into a rut further than I already am.

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Being a single mother with no help whatsoever with my baby and being pregnant at the same time is so damn exhausting. I will forever hate him for being able to choose to start over free and easy just because it was too hard. On another note, Happy Thanksgiving. I'm grateful I have a roof over my head and food.

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