My knees start to shake,
When you're in sight.
My mind is filled with wonder,
My heart with fright.
When will this feeling stop?
When did it start?
How can I listen to my mind,
Without breaking my heart?
I'm so confused.
What should I do?
I can't think of anything,
Except you.
Should I ignore you,
or just give it time?
I can't think straight,
My heart controls my mind.

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I found an entry by "elitest bitch" I liked it alot, so I am sharing it with you. because alot of it is true. It is as follows:

I'm tired of being associated with indie kids. I'm tired of going to shows with them. I'm tired of listening to them whine about the band that sold out, or the band that they liked before everyone else did. I'm enraged by the thinking that unless something is indie its not worthwhile.

I wrote a first draft of this little rant weeks ago, but scrapped it...it
was too gracious. I could tell you cute little annoying stories about my ex-roommate who would make bets about how many unknown songs she could put on a mix tape, or the snobby record store kids who were mortified when I beat them at the band game, but fuck that. I'm way past the stage of mild annoyance, and have happily moved on to pure disgust for the childish quest to be hip.

The indie mentality has become an obsession. People spend their lives hunting for the next thing that will get them indie cred in the backwards little community that is the scene. They deny music that they find enjoyable. They purchase albums that they are supposed to like, or they buy records that they don't even like, and they buy them from the hands of the pretentious bastards who work at independent record stores, who sell you a record with a smile, and turn around to discuss how lame you are for buying The Used. They hate bands that receive any play on MTV. They're at all the right shows, in all the right places, at all the right times. They say they hate "scene kids". They hold true to the belief that they are superior to everyone, in every way.

I was always aware that people like this existed, but I never knew just how prevalent they were until I spent the summer in Chicago. At every corner, there is a scene kid, complete with the messy hairstyle it took 2 hours to create, a shopping bag full of brand new albums just purchased at Reckless Records, and the indie mentality.

I've liked what I consider good music (Elizabeth and John would have to disagree) since the time I was about 13, but I've never concerned myself with liking the right bands or being a part of any scene. I've just always listened to what I considered credible music. Now, I'm not saying that a lot of the bands that I enjoy can be easily heard on the radio or MTV, but some of my favorite musicians are insanely popular. I am not afraid to admit that I like The Used, I think they're fun (And it's okay to like music just for the sake of it being fun). I rock out to Eminem, I have sort of a twisted love for disco, and I've seen N' Sync in concert (Yeah that's right, and they kicked ass too).

I'm tired of the scene kid bullshit; I'm tired of them perpetuating this kind of thinking. I want kids to care about music in general, not
about what's hip. I want to go to a show and see people that actually feel something for the music, not a bunch of kids who wear the same
kitschy t-shirts and have the same fucking hairstyles. I want to see passion and admiration in their eyes, not panic that the kid next to them may not think they are cool enough. I'm sick of the indie mentality. I want to fucking smash it. I want to take these kids and shake the shit out of them, until their little black square glasses fall right off their heads and they admit that they still like Jimmy Eat World.

Until they understand that just because someone receives recognition, it is not automatically crap.

Until they realize that good things come from mainstream sources.

Until the time comes when going to a show is about the music itself,
the integrity and beauty that is the process of making music, and not about clothes, or hair, or social status.

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The inevidable. why do people change and i seem to find them growing farther and farther apart from me? it's like they change into people i just don't like to be around and then our friendship ceases to exist. it seems that happens to me everytime i get close enough to call someone my best friend...and then they go and change and we go our separate ways. i mean it's not like i still can't hang..it's just that the person they've changed into annoys me and that makes me mad cuz it didn't used to be. like the said one thing once...and now are acting the exact way the protested against just it seems yesterday. and i can't stand hpyocytes. they're conformists. i don't but right now it seems that everyone is changing on me...and i'm not catching up. in fact it feels as if i'm staying right here...and that i've stayed right here for my whole life. i mean i know i've changed but i seem so slow in comparison to the people i seem to be losing. maybe it's me who's doing all the changing. what if i'm the one who changes into someone who they can't stand? what if i'm the problem. or maybe no one's the problem cuz that's how they're supposed to be. but it's scary cuz i'm afraid in no time at all i'm going to lose all of my friends...and god if that happened i'd be so sad. cuz i can already see some of them changing...and it's still tolerable and i can still love them and hang and all...but slowly if they going down that path our friendship is going to suffer...cuz it erks me to see the changes cuz what they are shanging into erks me and it makes me not even want to hang out with them, as if to try and preserve what was once them. preserve....that's a scary to use but it's perfect. ergh it sucks to know this. i'm sad about it.

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So I'm currently learning how to play guitar, I always knew a few songs but I just wasn't satisfied so I got a book of chords and and a song book and now my fingers hurt, even typing is painful. I hope I get blisters soon, one of my fingers already started bleeding.... ouch.
Someone tell the people on the front page to stop fighting. Its starting to get out of hand.

So Andrews coming over today... SCORE! wel not really but I love spending time with him.

I was told we were to have points at nutang, but where are they?

I think thats about it, back to the guitar, my favorite chord is G... its just sounds so cool.

Later kids, have fun.

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Whenever I write something about my actual life no one seems to care so I guess I won't write about that, but know that it hurts... right here. <3 oh well.

so now to a story... since thats all you guys'll read.

the other day I was driving home from the bank and I look over at the street on the other side, which is at a stoplight, and this old lady grandma was rocking out, it was by far the greatest thing I have ever seen. I feel complete now. Now go ruin your lives kids.

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So turns out I am falling head over heels for this guy, this guy my friend likes. This guy that is seven years older then me. This guy who is so incredible and nice and uggg...

so were kind of together, but its not official or anything. It can't be until in three years. and in three years I don't know if well still even be friends, alot can happen in three years, look what happened to me from summer to febuary, my life had completely changed. For the better of course, but changed none the less.

and now I have a date with another guy, whats up with this sudden urge of popularity? I'm scared. Normally I'm the loner girl who never has dates or does anything for that matter. I don't know whats up, but whatever it is I like it, maybe its just a summer thing?

so yeah I still don't really know what do to but I just don't want to think to much into it. I always think way to hard, which is the source of my sleeping problems.

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