after talking to one of my girls the other day, i realized how important time really is. especially in terms of memories and things we remember. i have noticed while being away for so long that my memories and perception of certain people have changed. before who i thought was the shiznit, i now see in a different light. which makes me wonder which is the true person? the one you see right in front of you or the one you recall when you're away from them. i need to smoke some bud maybe i'll understand more clearly. hehehe

Let's take L for example. Now that I have been single and unhindered (HAHAAH) for a year and a half now, I sooooo see him in a different light. it makes me wonder why the hell I even stayed in a relationship that was unhealthy for so long. 4+/5 years to be exact. not that he's a bad guy, but TOTALLY not the one for me. see that's the problem with the media nowadays and society putting all this pressure on younger people to be attached and to have boyfriends when in reality not everyone is called to that purpose. at least not at so young an age. and now that i'm older, i realize how stupid i was thinking that high school is the place to meet someone you're gona spend the rest of your life with. well in my case anyway.

i think tv shows and movies, music --- POP CULTURE --- makes young people covetous about having relationships becuase it portrays it as the.. THING that completes people. and kids, being kids, dont know any better that its just a movie. that it's really not all that its cracked up to be, that relationships take a toll on a person as much as they contribute. and now that i know that, i am going through adolescence again, this time unattached and finding myself the way it shouldda been if i weren't so.. INVOLVED at a crucial time in my life. it's funny how you think you know what you want out of life when you're 16. then you hit your 20's and realize you were a stupid little kid once too. hahaah

shoot,. thank GOd i didn't get married. i'd be in some deep shit if i did.

i love this anonymity and not knowing who my audience is, if i even have one. its so liberating! i can say whatever the hell i want which is how it should be anyway.

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Tomorrow is new year's eve and i want to reflect on 2003 but I'm having a hard time opening this door. It just seems like all I've been through this past year has been unlearning everything I learned about life and God and .. life the past 22 years. I haven't done anything socially, physically or academically productive this past year, in fact I've just totally bummed it for the past 364 days, and yet I feel so different. I see everything in a different light: people especially. I guess that's what they mean about being reborn and walking the narrow path because this year sure felt like spiritual puberty all over again.

I think the hardest part about this year was finally letting go of a lot of baggage i had when I first came to the pHilippines and finally accepting that this is God's will for my life right now. My stay here has gone from a supposed 3 month stay, to 6, to a year, and now a year and a half -- on to two. I still haven't made any GOOD friends here, nor have I met many people I can actually talk to but I suppose that's all right because I'm not ready. I have so many demons to fight at the moment that I hate to screw up friendships that could possibly be lasting. I want to be left alone... for now.

As for school, I guess it's not in the NEAR future but I would like to go back and finish what i've started. I duno.. we'll see how that develops this year. I mean it's not like doors aren't open for me, its just me. I dont have the juice to walk through that door and make that step. Like I said, I guess I'm just not ready for it yet.

This is hard. I'm totally afraid of the new year to come. Before, I at least had an idea as to what to look forward to -- almost like GOALS to achieve, things to want to do and have. And now, I'm just praying that I make it and am able to keep doing God's will in the New year and hopefully finally reach the Light at the end of the tunnel.

But regardless of this feeling of being lost all the time, I must say that GOd has blessed me abundantly. I guess that's what walking in His will reaps... blessings because I have gained so much more than I let people realize. Here is to a new year overflowing with joy and peace and righteousness!!

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i dont freakin get how to use this thing. how do i make my page all pretty???? and too bad i dont have a pic to upload.. i suppose thats all gravy. no one can know who i am. hmm new year's is comin up.. i'm not too excited. another year! man sometimes i wonder what i'm supposed to be doing. i already know the answer though. i'm just supposed to be CHILLIN, takin my time, relaxing == the life, right? it is, it is. sigh.. i just wish familia would straighten up their act and ALLOW me to enjoy this time off i have.

see my opinion on marriage is this: if you dont walk the same path with your partner, you are bound to not have peace in your relationship. if you don't have the same goals, the same foundation, you are bound to fail. "a house divided will not stand." right right? what i dont get is why my mom who is 44 does not understand the concept of not provoking people to anger? that's how you screw up your peace and the harmony in the home. actually not just in the home, in any relationship whether bf/gf or just plain friendship. you just don't provoke people you love. THATS COMMON FREAKIN SENSE

"A godly woman should know the weaknesses in her husband and pray about them. Do not allow them room to affect or even destroy your marriage. Every human being has weaknesses. We should not resent the weaknesses in our partner but rather prayerfully guard against them."

even for people not religious, i really think the bible has some good lessons. like aesop's fables except.. deeper? heh. i duno but i really enjoy studying women of the bible because it gives insight on how to deal with certain things. marriages and relationships were all the more successful back in the days so it's only right to learn from them.

wow i wrote a lot. way better than i do on xanga probably because no one i know knows about this yet. ehh we'll see. that michael jackson pic is really pissing me off but i dont have anythign to replace it. sucka.. oh well. it felt good to get that off my chest. aigggh aiiighh.. laters

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i do NOt look like michael jackson. i'm cuter and i get more boys than he ever will! haheahehaehahehaehaehahehaehaheahehaehae

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