Tomorrow is new year's eve and i want to reflect on 2003 but I'm having a hard time opening this door. It just seems like all I've been through this past year has been unlearning everything I learned about life and God and .. life the past 22 years. I haven't done anything socially, physically or academically productive this past year, in fact I've just totally bummed it for the past 364 days, and yet I feel so different. I see everything in a different light: people especially. I guess that's what they mean about being reborn and walking the narrow path because this year sure felt like spiritual puberty all over again.

I think the hardest part about this year was finally letting go of a lot of baggage i had when I first came to the pHilippines and finally accepting that this is God's will for my life right now. My stay here has gone from a supposed 3 month stay, to 6, to a year, and now a year and a half -- on to two. I still haven't made any GOOD friends here, nor have I met many people I can actually talk to but I suppose that's all right because I'm not ready. I have so many demons to fight at the moment that I hate to screw up friendships that could possibly be lasting. I want to be left alone... for now.

As for school, I guess it's not in the NEAR future but I would like to go back and finish what i've started. I duno.. we'll see how that develops this year. I mean it's not like doors aren't open for me, its just me. I dont have the juice to walk through that door and make that step. Like I said, I guess I'm just not ready for it yet.

This is hard. I'm totally afraid of the new year to come. Before, I at least had an idea as to what to look forward to -- almost like GOALS to achieve, things to want to do and have. And now, I'm just praying that I make it and am able to keep doing God's will in the New year and hopefully finally reach the Light at the end of the tunnel.

But regardless of this feeling of being lost all the time, I must say that GOd has blessed me abundantly. I guess that's what walking in His will reaps... blessings because I have gained so much more than I let people realize. Here is to a new year overflowing with joy and peace and righteousness!!

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