well then. i got to talk to a few folks..who read this journal.... n if ur reading this now...thanks. thanks fer talking me through it...thanks fer being there..

just the lasting presence of my friends....and just my potential. i guess i overlooked these things yesterday....*sigh* more sins to put on the list. i'm sorry for doubting you, my awesome friends. and i'm sorry i was drenched in pessimism yesterday....



i'll beat this starting now

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*sigh*..............i guess i've had a couple hours to vent some steam. at mikes it was in a video game. losing as usual. but um..after that in the car i felt i needed to pound the crap outta my knees just listening to the song....PAIN. by jimmy eat world. kinda funny. it takes my pain away.............................*sigh*....after that one song the music in the car was pretty slow....and i calmed down...calmed way down actually...i took off my glasses....and um...and yeah i felt just utterly alone....i mean yeah...mike brett casey and nick were in the car but...i dunno....... ugh. and at the mall. i was so loud and obnoxious...i just didnt give a shit tonight.. i kept my glasses off very aware of how blind i was as i walked through the mall....i was dead inside..or maybe i'm dead inside and i've been in denial.. was i ever living? when was the last time i was truthfully alive? am i so far gone now, that theres no turning back? im so far gone now..i've been runnin on empty. ....*sigh*...i just feel hopeless. i need a sanctuary...but i've tainted every branch of support that i so luckily have/had. blahh...........................i need to sleep for a few trillion hours.

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jesus mother fucking christ. i just want to go out to see a movie. something which i doubt i really do very often these days. AND WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS? my moms interview starts at 3 and she just now gets out at 6:30? my GOD nobody tests my patience more than my mother fucking does. im gonna say fuck every other fucking second because thats just the kind of fucking mood im in. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT:IAEH:OIAETO:IAEHTO. ive never punched the keys on this keyboard this hard. holy fuck. i just wanna FUCK SOMETHING UP SO BAD. i mean wow. i've fucked up every fucking else.....A()+WEHRWQEHTOIQ#H(*@(*@(*@^&PUH%OJ#H^OU:K(*&QW#IY^%(*)#QU%)(@#%)(*@Q#Y^.......


it really sucks when ur the bane to ur own fucking existence.
give me the time of day and i'll turn it into the nightmare of a lifetime.
god, u wont know it at first, but when u do, WOW, will it fucking blow.
i cant begin to IMAGINE the depth of all the emotional scarring i've fucking done. i've seriously just thought HEY KEITH U FUCKING SHOULD DIE. and some people obviously think ... well hey dood, nothing is worth killing urself for. I MEAN FUCK. why the hell not right? this is may seem like an obvious cry for fucking attention, but i dunno, i mean i just never really told anybody. ARE YOU LISTENING? WE WROTE A THOUSAND PAGES, AND THEYRE TORN AND ON THE FLOOR........god.... i mean wow. death. first i thought whats to live for i mean jesus christ. i'm just a liar right? a worthless piece of shit, that has zero point in living. talking with courtney definitely clarified THAT possibility. i'm not trying to attack her, this is just me pouring.....when it rains it fucking pours right? god.........yeah. death. just fucking die keith. why are you such an ASSHOLE.FUCK FUCK FUCK. just writing this blog is probably the epitome of asshole-NESS GOD I CANT EVEN PUT INTO WORDS THE FRUSTRATION IM FEELING. MY DAD, HES A CRACK HEAD, with too many children for his own good. MY MOM, *sigh* i just feel numb about my mom. i know she cares about me...and my dad too for that matter...... ughhh....i know that im just going to regret this shit. cuz i really should be grateful for being alive? wow well thats a fucking idea. i have the chance to do whatever i want RIGHT? well god....i had the chance...and what'd i do with it? FUCKED IT UP. i have the chance....... BUT DO I REALLY? i mean really. WHAT DO YOU THINK? DO YOU THINK i'll EVER BE LOOKED UPON WITH ANY KIND OF TRUST? DO I DESERVE ANY KIND OF TRUST? WHAT DO I THINK? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK. I THINK THAT MY LIFE FUCKING SUCKS. THATS WHAT. I FEEL FUCKING SO SHITTY WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND. AND i feel shitty for feeling shitty because i realize that i feel shitty about girlfriends THAT IVE CHEATED ON. MY GOD. THE WHOLE WORLD WILL KNOW AND I JUST CANT SEEM TO GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE AT THE MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AOITHOWIEHTOIW#H^()O:HW#$)(H)(*H^*)$H^HW$OHWENTMSDNTOIJSDHU.....i have my health. and with that health...im taking it to the movies. take out the th dipthong sound and what do u got?



HELL

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i got a 20 dollar bill....that no ones ever seen you without make up....ur always made up......

man.......i have no clue as to what i want to write about, nor WHY i even started this entry in the first place. i felt like rambling....i really really need something to do...there was a christmas party today at work....free food. had a few hours of work before the lunch tho....hm. made a pig outta myself. i think i was one of like...5 ppl that went up for seconds......*sigh*.......the weekend is here. AND HOLY CRAP I DONT HAFTA WAKE UP EARLY TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOH!!!!!!!!! goodness...the other day..i wanted to make a blog about music. i was feeling kinda flustered. so i sat down with my guitar....n just strummed a few strings.....i play with my guitar...i dont really 'play the guitar'....but just focusing on the music i was making...its pretty relaxing id say.... but um....hm. yeah. i'll have a completely original song put together one day....hell who knows..maybe more than one....but yeah...over the course of many years...i'll put it together....n one day...who knows...maybe i'll post the lyrics on this site!? guess u better stay tuned....

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the song you are currently hearing on my site...is 'twilight' by emberghost. i gotta give all the props to mike fer discovering this band. so yeah....its good stuff...the guitar beat has a large tendency to get stuck in my head....'duna-duna-duna-- dun dun duna- duna - duna - duna na na na nana' but hmph.....what to blog about. school is out....for a month and a week for me. (woohoo)....the ironic thing is...now that i have all the time in the world to put overtime in at work, the shifts are supposed to lighten up tremendously. soooo i wont even be working as much as i did while having school to attend. and it wouldnt surprise me if things picked back up once i started school again. but yeah. with no school, and little work, i'm gonna be hard pressed to find things to do...i'll find something im sure..... but anyway....*shrug*....what to blog about..what to blog about..i havent done this kinda thing in such a long time. this is prolly what i'll do with all that free time. complain via nutang about how bored i am. hahahah.....lets just hope it wont come to that.....*ahem*.. mike met a chica!! whoooooop im kinda spreading gossip but hey, i think its great news fer him. some girl found his profile on 'okcupid' .com er whatever....andddd they started talking! janine i believe is her name. andddd she lives in PA. ha..small world i tells ya. philadelphia is what mike says....but ummm yeah! i'm pretty excited for him i guess. the thing that REALLY blew me away wassss she called him...and they talked for 4 hours. now mike is definitely not a guy who likes to talk on the phone. so this sounded RIDICULOUS when he told me. so yeah. janine? mike? nyeh? hahhaah.....anyway. *shrug*. i'm about to go to the mall...with the possible intention to actually do some shopping......wublamo. i officially declare this blog....done as junk.

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sweet merciful crap. things are different, and will be different. i'm ready for the change. with the support of my friends.....i can get through it. i was deleting all of the entries prior to this one...just cuz i want to get past it all. i want to put it all behind me. when i read the one left.....it reminded me of the pure joy achieved on that day of fun. i just hope its possible for us to get anywhere near that again........i am capable of love. n i wanna love my friends the way they deserve to be loved.

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