Too bad life couldn't be one big video game or something, cuz doing good in life is not one of my talents. Or at least God could've made it more like the board game. I'm not too bad at that. Random things:

1)I found this cool quote on the internet the other day so I tried researching to more about the person behind the quote. Nothing, nada. Just some some chick's personal site but nothing special. I was hoping to get a famous author or something. But 23029034 sites had this quote quoted. And then I find it! Apparently this chick, quoted some author, but credit'd the author as "DC" which coincidently were not only the author's initials, but hers as well. As such a million bajillion sites have improperly quoted this girl. Kinda funny. Makes me want a quote of my own now though.

2)The earth is billions of years old. Humans are what? A few million being generous? So, when all those environment loving hippies roll by saying "save the planet!" what do they really mean? Do they really mean "stop the destruction of this defenseless ball of dirt" or "stop the destruction of the parts of earth that WE need to live on"? I'm sure once humankind has become extinct the Earth will still be fine, assuming we don't nuke it or it doesn't fall into the Sun or something. Even so, I'm sure we won't use up Earth's resources in my lifetime, so why should I give a shit?

3)Regardless of my indifferent and callous attitude towards many human behaviors, I still find myself stopping to pick up garbage, seperating my recyclables, donating money and gifts to homeless shelters, saying grace (thats a new one for me), and countless other incomprehensible actions and rituals. Does this make me a paradox?

4)Yes, I left my writing notebook at home this week and have an OCD complex about writing in anything else, and writing anywhere else in the book except for starting at the last place I left off. And now, random acts of cruelty:

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How many do veritably know unrequited love? True love gone awry. Still pure in its unconditionality, yet tainted with desire. Patient, enduring, meticulous to each and every idiosyncrasy. Eternal.

The afflicted be wary in donning the heart's sorrow as a badge, for what virtue does it claim? Such folly only earns simulated sympathy and secret scorn.

And equally beware those who'd call it a malignant tumor, naming Time the rehabilitative operation under the gentle guidance of His Grace. Such pain is more accurately an irreversible illness, tended with temporary treatments at best.

Alas I cannot find her voice again to draw a wayward smile, much less The Cure from that life-giving estuary. The only end is the end of all, though even that isn't unquestionably an end.

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I thought things like this stopped happening in high school. Apparently I was wrong.

So like, I'm on my way to school from home late last night. I'm with my two younger brothers. Dan's (middle child) is taking me in his truck and decides to stop for gas before we leave town. On the way to our usual station, this Jeep Grand Cherokee is bobbing and weaving in traffic like a whole ass. We made some small comment bout bad drivers but didn't think too much about it. Anyways, we finally get to the gas station, and pull in line for some gas.

Now, you know when gas station lines get long, and like, you're kinda waiting for cars at the pump? So we'rein line with Dan's truck, but not completely straight, just the front end is in line. So then, as we're there, the same Jeep that we saw on the road pulls in a minute later but into the same line with us. But, it's creeping around us trying to take our spot in line. I look into the Jeep and theres a girl driving and she just kinda starts shaking her head at me. So, naturally I laugh and look at Dan saying, "Yo, this girl over here is shaking her head at us like she's gonna beat us in line." In response Dan says, "Whatever, watch this." And instead of waiting in line, he backs out and gets into a space on the opposite side of the pump, letting that girl take our place in line. As an added bonus we managed to get served earlier. However, as Dan's turning the truck around, some really fat guy starts grilling us hardcore from the passenger seat of the Jeep. I'm not one to take offense from looks, but this guy had the meanest face on, like he was trying to burn a hole through my head or something.

Now, lets think about this situation. I have a fat guy and a girl in a Jeep giving me dirty looks while my brother is backing the truck up to give them a space. Naturally I'm a lil annoyed, and not one bit intimidated. I decide to stare the fat guy down while saying to Dan, "Yo bro, some fat guy sittin shotty is grillin us now." To which Dan replied by making fun of this guy's weight somehow. Now, I'm not sure how this dude heard us (especially since we had music in the truck), or whether he read our lips or something, but the next thing I know, this fat dude mouths, "Wut?!" and gets out of his car. WTF??? 1)We gave them the freakin space, 2)You were giving us hard looks, and we didn't even DO anything to you guys.

So, Dan finishes pulling in at the pump, and looks up to see fatman outside of our truck yelling and waving his hands saying f this, f that. Blah blah blah, all talk. Dan rolls down his window and is like, "Do you wanna get tough?", to which fatman is like, "Yeah, f you" this and that. The next second, Dan, Darren, and I are all out the truck in a flash ready to fix this guy's ugly face for him. Did he think just because he was fat we'd find him intimidating? Dan is mouthing off at him, saying that if he really wanted to fight us we could settle it in the back and all, and I was just like, "Bro, you're about to get f'd up right now." I was totally expecting this guy to wanna rumble, but what happened next was totally unexpected.

As soon as I finished my comment, and he saw how heated Dan was, and how there were 3 of us and 1 one him, fatman calms down dramatically and instead of waving his hands and cursing, he says, "Oh hey hey, no wait... I don't have beef with you guys... uh, I just wanted to know why you called me fat." The quickest thing Dan could think of in response was, "Cuz you are! Now know your role!". That alone was enough to make me want to start laughing, but no, it gets better. In response to that, fatman says (with a very blushing red face) "Okay okay, I'll be fat then..." So Dan's like, "Then get the f in your car.", and fatman gets back in his car and both him and his girl don't say a word or look at us. We get back in our car, and all die laughing. Darren decides to guilt trip us all saying, "Great, nice job guys. Now he's gonna go home, and hang himself." Although later he added, "Dan, I would've died laughing if instead of 'know your role' you said 'know your rolls'." Hahhaha.

On one side, I feel terrible that we totally chumped that guy out in front of his girl/sister/cousin whatever, and he looked really embarrassed and defeated as he was saying, "Okay okay, I'll be fat then...". But on the other hand, this guy started the whole thing. We were being curteous and all. I mean, even the gas station attendent who came over was like, "Why did that ahole get out of this car?" I don't know! I do feel like he would've flaunted and acted like a tough guy had we chumped out or tried to be peaceful about it. I mean, it's like standing up to a bully you know? They're all tough when they don't get resistance, but once someone makes a stand and isn't intimidated, suddenly they're not so tough anymore. He probably figured two small asian guys were easy pickings or something (couldn't see Darren in the back cuz of tinted windows).

Ah well, and that as they say, is that!

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Sometimes I just wanna go to place where I can just scream on the top of my lungs and let all my frustration out.

I have ONE day off a week. It happens to be every Sunday. I've been putting in 50+ hour work weeks. Thats 10+ hours overtime. That means I spend my whole day, 6 days a week, at work. It's only justified by my paycheck. In the meantime, my parents are CONSTANTLY ON MY FRICKIN CASE ABOUT DOING EVERYTHING IS THIS FRICKIN HOUSE! Jeeeeeez, isn't anyone else capable besides me? I have two lazy ass brothers around the house who don't work NEARLY as much as I do. Why can't you get them to do things? Sheeeeesh. My one brother was transfering to a different college. He asks me to write his transfer essay. WTF??? YOU'RE GONNA BE A SOPHOMORE IN COLLEGE AND YOU CAN'T WRITE YOUR OWN ESSAYS???? When I refuse due to my work load, Dad of course says, "Yeah we know, you never wanna be bothered with helping your family." LKSJDALKSJDLFAKSJDFKLASJDLFKAJ

Now, they're driving me crazy about signing my contract for my crummy dorm room which I just got two days ago. Definately a mistake to tell them what I was planning to do. They wake up early and say "When are you going? What are doing? Should we come along?" And then of course Dad is always like, "Poor planning blah blah blah. You're so this and that and yada yada." JUST LET ME HANDLE MY FRIGGIN BUSINESS ON MY OWN, I KNOW WTF I'M DOING!!!! WHO CARES IF I SUCK?! WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAFTA BE YOUR WAY???

Arggggh. That feels better. For now. I swear I hafta get outta this house or I'm gonna go crazy. Or wait... maybe I already am!

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Friday while taking a co-worker of mine out to lunch I managed upon this interesting fortune: "Today your luck has been completely changed!" The next day on the way to work, my car gets water in the engine through the intake and nearly dies on me. Some luck, eh? Anyway, onto my musings. When my father was a young teenager (13-15ish), he had a paper route. This route didn't earn him much money ($3 a week roughly), but he saved and saved and bought himself a phonograph (record player). This phonograph which has been sitting around collecting dust in the attic for who knows how long, was finally taken down to my basement (fully finished and livable) and given its lil own spot. Then we sifted through a few records sitting around, and I even managed to find some needles lying arond so we got to play a few records. Despite a bit of crackling and some other noises due to age, the sound was sweet and soothing. If you ask me the crackling made it sound more authentic. Listening to the music of my dad's time felt nostalgic, though I have no real idea what living in his time was like. Somehow though, I could just feel it as if I knew what my dad was thinking. Most of the music was of the romantic type, and I could imagine an old couple strolling through memory lane and having a dance. It also made me think about that booth down at Six Flags where you could get your picture taken in costumes of different time periods, and how cool it would be to have someone special in my life to go do that with ;) More inspired stuff added to my lil book of date ideas!

Unfortunately all that music and jotting and thinking woke up my sleeping fear again. I feel old, and I feel pretty alone :/ I guess the reverse side to being able to watch horror movies without blinking is being constantly afraid of the future. But isn't it logical? Not living comfortably, not being able to travel, living the rest of my life alone, not ACCOMPLISHING ANYTHING IMPORTANT with my life... it's all very possible. In many ways I'd like to repress these fears through the presence of a significant other. At the same time, I want to keep these fears for focus and motivation. Lovely.

I end this entry with a quote by Harold Kelly: "The unavoidable consequence of human social life is a realization of the essentially private and subjective nature of our experience of the world, coupled with a strong wish to break out of that privacy and establish contact with another mind." Where is my contact damnit?! :P

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Two weeks till fall semester starts, and I just got finished with summer classes. Doh!

Saw the Exorcist yesterday. It sucked, I almost fell asleep halfway through. I guess I'm not much for horrors; they dont' really scare me. I guess the way I rationalize it is that, yes the initial loud scary noise blasting over the theater's sound system coupled with a picture of something ugly and deformed can cause shock and surprise. But, it's all about how you handle the shock afterwards. Girls are terrible with it, which is why they're so fun to bring to these types of movies :P Me? Iono, I'm not scared by flashy effects and boogie monsters. Logically there is no immediate danger or anything. It's all mental and I'm not silly enough to let my mind go against me. My brother however... hehehe. He's fun to scare. I found these sites with scary flashes and scared him crapless, even though I was in the room standing next to him. Next to me, no one was brave enough to try these flashes solo, late at night lights off and everything, even after we had watched them together and knew what was coming. I don't understand why he can just figure it out that its all in his head.

Oh wells, heres one of my favorites. Remember, mood is everything so if you're like me and not easily excited, try it at night by yourself with no lighting, volume raised. It still gives me goosebumps ;)

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